The Mean Girls' Guide to Glory

I Did NOT Sign Up For This

2009-12-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

Aging and growing older, it's a part of life and something you know will happen whether or not you're ready for it. As I grow older and gain wisdom from life's lessons and experiences, I've come to appreciate the respect you receive because you've lived long enough for your opinion to be valued by others. Who doesn't like to throw life experience around when proving a point to someone? How good does it feel when you know not to make the same mistake twice and can refer back to past life choices when making decisions in your future? In that respect, aging and growing older is friggin awesome and something I continuously enjoy and look forward to! But lets be honest, obviously that is not what this rant is about!

This rant is about the sudden changes and unexpected happenings that simultaneously crept the f*ck up on me to ruin my life. I guess I always expected aging to be this slow and gradual process, or at least that's what it seemed to be when watching my parents and grandparents grow old! At 31 years old, I'm surprised to find myself working so feverishly to battle the signs of aging as well as dealing with the unwelcome changes that this young lady was not warned about and therefore, unprepared for. Behold, my two biggest enemies that make me think WTF happened to me???

#1 - Adult Acne
What. The. Fuck. That is the best way I can describe the feeling one gets, when one goes to sleep one night, (with what they would consider perfect skin) and wakes up with skin that looks like it was exchanged with that of a 13 year old with raging and unbalanced hormones! HOW in the hell does this happen to a 31 year old who NEVER EVER had a problem with acne in their life?!?!

Sure I expect the standard 1-3 pimples that pop up on my chin or forehead when I'm PMS'ing and disappear just as quickly as they appeared, but I can't deal with these other pimples that have set up shop ALL OVER MY FACE! All of a sudden I have craters in places I have NEVER had a breakout before, such as my cheeks and my jawline...and in mass quantities!

I did tons of research on things that could cause acne like this to show up all of a sudden and performed the following actions: disinfected my cell phone, my work phone, began changing my pillow cases every other day, bought all new makeup brushes that I clean regularly, changed my makeup brands, drank ridiculous amounts of water, started taking vitamins, and stayed away from greasy/fried foods and NOTHING was making it any better!

I began getting 1-2 really aggressive (and EXPENSIVE) facials every month and succumbed to purchasing every type of cleanser, exfoliator, and oil free moisturizer that was recommended to me with hopes of getting my old complexion back, but no such luck. I saw a dermatologist who told me to stay out of the sun, prescribed me with different topical antibiotics and retin-a, and told me that maybe in three months, my skin would show improvement and get better.

MAYBE?!?! You would think that in 2010, the technology and science would have developed a simple cure for acne, but noooooooo, that is NOT the case! It's been 3 months since I've been using antibiotics and topical creams and while I notice a bit of an improvement, I'm still seriously depressed that my best face is not what I am putting forward.

In addition to losing self confidence, it sucks that now I have to wear full foundation, concealer, and powder in order for me to look somewhat presentable. I'm now super self conscious about my skin and pretty much refuse to go out au natural these days. Even if my skin eventually clears up, I'm stuck with horrible acne scars from all of the breakouts I've had this year.

I did NOT sign up for this...

#2 - Going Gray
At my age, the only thing I expect to turn gray is the color of water in the hot tub, post-frolicking! Of course I expect to find a gray hair here or there, that's natural, right? I'd say in the past few years I have discovered no more than 3 of those silver strands, which were promptly plucked out upon discovery and forgotten about...until now! What's baffling is how I went from 3 gray hairs to 300 gray hairs, practically overnight! I'm thinking it's possible I had them all along but just never noticed. For the past 5 years, my hair color has been highlighted with different shades of blond, and as soon as the roots began to show, I was back in my colorists chair for more highlights. Is it possible that my grays were camouflaged by blond highlights and therefore I never noticed??

This past May I was feeling emo and needing a change, so I decided to color my hair a very dark shade of brown, which I have been LOVING all year! This summer, when randomly looking in the mirror I noticed the light catching strands of light colored hair on my head...and upon closer inspection, I realized that I have sporadic strands of gray hair ALL OVER my head! Not just an inch of colorless gray root either, we're talking entire strands! From the root-to-ends that are gray!

How is that even possible when I'm getting my hair colored regularly? Does the color just wash off of gray hairs after a few weeks? I just don't understand what is going on here, my parents barely have any gray hairs, I'm without a doubt getting J-O-O'd on the good genes that keep my hair from going gray! Hmmm I wonder if the fact that I have a job and WORK (unlike my parents) has anything to do with it. Could stress be ruining my follicles?

Now I find myself TOTALLY OBSESSING over gray hair all the time! I've stopped plucking them out because it looks ridiculous when they are sticking straight up at 2 inches long and gray on the top of my head! Everytime I use the bathroom at Lilo's house, (she has SUPER BRIGHT lighting) I find myself combing through my hair (fine tooth style as if I'm searching for lice) in search of new gray hairs! When I meet my friends for dinner or drinks, the 1st thing I do is point out my gray hairs and start discussing what I should do next. I don't know why I feel the need to point them out, maybe just so they know that I know they are there and if I make a joke about it first, then it takes the sting out or something.

A few weeks ago, my friend Newman and I went into his bathroom together and pointed out our grays to each other in hopes of feeling better about it, is this really what I'm doing now? Hanging out in bathrooms pointing out my imperfections? It's basically taking over my life and I see no signs of it letting up. In fact, I think they are spreading like wildfire! I just got my hair colored again 2 weeks ago and asked my colorist what I should do, or better yet what SHE could do to make them less noticeable! She said "It's funny how you notice 1-10 of them and get used to knowing they are there, so you continue coloring your hair regularly to cover them. Then one day, all of a sudden, you wake up and see that you have PATCHES of gray hair all over!"

And it's true, one day I woke up and looked at my hair while in Lilo's bathroom under the spotlight, and sure enough I have patches of gray. FML! What can I do?? Well, for one I will thank God for inventing laser hair removal because I would have FREAKED the F*CK out if I ever looked down and saw a gray pube! At least I have THAT under control...for now!

Seriously though, I did NOT sign up for this shit to start happening to me at 31 years old! What else is there to come? Thankfully, I'm still relatively wrinkle-free but I'm stressin at the next change to happen and ruin my looks! Am I overreacting? What do the rest of you do to pause the aging process and not have meltdowns like I am having??

Mr. Industry's Friend Responds

2009-09-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

So Mr. Industry's friend Cory posted a response to "the Rise and Fail of Mr. Industry."

It's actually pretty damn funny and I think Cory correctly captures the absolute mess that Mr. Industy (in his blog as "Gabe") was that day. Also, for your info ShamWow is referred to as "Karen."

The Tale of a Modern Day Love Story

The story of that day begins about 1/4 way down on the page under "This is the tale of a Modern Day Love Story. I hope you enjoy. "

The Rise and FAIL of Mr. Industry

2009-09-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Mr. Industry invited me to an Angels game, just the two of us, and things seemed to go pretty well! So, the following week when he invited me to his birthday at the JW Marriott in Palm Desert, I accepted the offer and was going to roll solo, after all I am a grown up! I found out that Miss Communication was going with her boyfriend, and we could all ride down there together, bonus! Saturday morning consisted of a late start, traffic, gas stop, and a pretty bad hangover from doing vodka shots the night before, but I was still game and down to have some fun!

Mr. Industry and his entourage got there around 11ish, and we arrived at 2:00pm - Mr. Industry had his/our room key waiting for me at the front desk, (nice/thoughtful) So, we went to change and then strolled down to the pool. Holy shit, there was a couple hundred people at this pool!! I almost felt like I was at a party pool in Vegas for a second!

I walked to the edge of the pool to give Mr. Industry a hug and as I bend over he tries to pull me in to the water... not forcefully, but not exactly the warm welcome I had wished for! He was obviously pretty drunk! Immediately I say "I need a drink" actually, I'm not sure if I said that first or looked at Miss Communications boyfriend and said " I need to catch up!" Since it was HSB out, I got in the water right away but made sure not getting the hair wet since I had just blown it out and didn't want to re-do it before going out at night.

The waitress comes and I order a margarita - stat! At this point, Mr. Industry is whispering with his 'shes like a sister' and since she has no name, we will call her DaRat. So DaRat starts asking me in her annoying voice "What did you get to drink?" me: "A margarita" Rat: "like Patron, Don Julio?" me: "Just a regular one" Then I hear DaRat say "She hates me."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Then I have to explain, " I don't hate you, I am hungover, exhausted from a 2 hour drive, and I just need a drink." Then this little DaRat says, "He's like my brother, he can kick your ass or I can kick your ass!" Wait, who is this Rat? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DRINK!!!!

My drink comes, and I'm chillin in a lounge chair, instantly feeling better, gosh I love tequila! So, Mr. Industry and I are chatting while he is in the pool and I asked him something unimportant. He said he couldn't' hear me, so I repeat myself... he still can't hear me... so what does he do? He grabs my lounge chair and pulls it to the edge of the pool almost in the water! WTF, do you know how loud those chairs are when they are scraping on the cement?!? Out of the 200 peeps in the pool, I would say about 50 heard and started looking to see what was going on. Then he lifts my chair up and takes 2 steps back in the water and is holding me hostage on the lounge chair in the water!!!!!! At this point, the 50 peeps that heard, have now tapped their friends, started pointing and laughing - so now I would say at least half of this pool is staring and watching us!!
Me: Put me back now.
Him: What did you say?
Me: put me back NOW
Him: No... what did you say?
Me: Honestly, I'm so embarrassed I can't even remember.
Him: Nope, tell me!
Me: Put me back! You are NOT going to win this one!
Him: Tell me first.
* I'm still held hostage and even more people are looking! I'm DYING of embarrassment! Who am I dealing with??? *
Me: ONE....TWO...

I got to TWO and thought, this is not my 4 year old daughter! This is a 37 year old grown man! If I get to THREE and I'm still being held over the water, am I REALLY gonna give him a TIMEOUT???? At this point he realizes I'm pissed, so he brings me out of the water, and then puts the lounge chair down and shoves it back into place?!?!? AS IF this is all MY FAULT!

The next few hours consisted of him following me around like a puppy dog - but not the cute little dog that you want to take home, but the scroungy mutt that you want to kick. At one point his friend said "Geez, You are acting like a momma bear, and she is your cub!" If I talked to someone, he splashed them, whether they were male or female! He kept saying " I like you alot" finally I said, " I KNOW...but you really need to tone it down." I rarely get embarrassed, but it slowly lead into being pissed. I mean here I was in Palm Springs at this awesome hotel and wishing I never came! Not only was I leaving my daughter, but I was paying someone to work my store! What a WASTE of my time and my money!!!!!!! Thank God, Miss Communication came! She was nice enough to let me stay with her and her boyfriend in their room... I was the third wheel! Um, I'm going to need a Rollaway, please. It's official I'm a hostage in the desert!

As hours went by we got ready to go to the night club, Mr. Industry was "sick" in his room, poor baby - NOT!!! His Boy starts talking to me and trying to make excuses as to why he was the way he was... blah, blah. Tells me that this was a trip that he put together because he just got dumped by his GF. So, NO ONE was there for Mr. Industry's birthday but ME?? Even though his b-day was the next week, this was NOT his party, what a little slime ball! I think it was his way of getting me to go! I was duped!

The beast finally comes down to the hotel bar, and honestly I just didn't want to deal with him...plus there were groups of hot dudes at the hotel for bachelor parties, and here I was dealing with THIS? Then he asks me what happened which I just blow off. But he keeps asking...
Me: What do YOU think happened?
Him: I have no clue, you came, were at the pool for 10 minutes, said I was an asshole and left?
Me: Yeah, I was there for over 3 hours and told you to 'tone it down'
* Now, he pulls up a chair even CLOSER to me and puts his arm around me??
Like, HELLO??? Do you not see that I'm annoyed?
Then he says "Tell me what I need to change"
Me: Nothing.
Him: Well, if it offends you then I need to change it.
Me: You are a grown man, and you should do whatever you want to do and I decide whether or not I want to be around it.

Dude, Bro, Sir, Mr. YOU are a MAN... it's like the annoying stray dog has turned into a giant pussy?? FYI this guy is WELL over 6 feet tall and like 4x my 5"4 size and he's acting like this!

Needless to say, we all went to the club in the hotel where I avoided him until I was over it and literally SNUCK out of the club. I didn't say goodbye, and didn't think he even deserved it.

But forget about what he deserves...what do I deserve?????
And why am I putting myself in situations like this?

Flashback to the 90's - Welcome to the Jungle

2009-08-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start off with saying WHAT A WEEKEND! Friday night was ShamWow's dirty 30th birthday party and it was OFF THE HOOK and we will so totally get to that by way of a blog soon! In addition to her birthday soiree, we managed to score invites to TWO themed parties in one night that we just could not miss...

The 90's Themed 30th Birthday Party at the 90210 Beach House:

Does it get ANYMORE 90's than a party at the 90210 beach house of Donna Martin and Kelly Taylor?? Didn't think so! When my boy G-Money hit me up about this party, I pretty much said 'sign me up' while writing my signature in the air. If only I held onto my cross colours jeans or my babydoll dresses with my Doc Marten's...I would have had the perfect 90's outfit!

My friend G tells me that I might know the girl who's renting the house (who's 30th bday it is) because she went to high school with us and was a grade below, but I had no idea who she was. Of course I was still going to the party because obviously I'm not going to miss out on 90's photoshoots at the beachhouse! So ShamWow, The Gym Nazi, and I show up to the party in 90's gear with a huge bottle of vodka in hand and don't recognize ANYONE. We finally find G-Money and being polite, I ask him who the birthday girl is so we can wish her a happy birthday and thank her for having us at her party...BIG MISTAKE!

We follow G and he introduces us to the birthday girl and I say "Hi Jenny, I'm the Ringleader. Happy 30th Birthday!" and give her a hug that lasted FAR TOO LONG because she WOULD NOT LET GO! She then says to me (in front of everyone) "Oh I know you, you probably don't remember me because I was a really big nerd in high school and you were cool and ran with the cool crowd...but I'm a year younger than you."

What. The. Fuck. What do you say to that? Like I'm sorry you were a nerd? Sorry we didn't have sleepovers and TP the boys houses late at night while giving ourselves pedicures and discussing who would be our date to the vice-versa dance? Who cares!

I say to her "I'm sure you weren't a really big nerd, we probably just had different interests and hung around different people. The important thing is that we're here and it's your birthday! Let's party and have a good time!" --->This is me trying to smooth things over while feeling embarrassed that this broad is calling me out on my status 13 years ago!

She can't leave well enough alone so she follows up with "No, I was a really big nerd...I was in the band. Don't feel weird I mean you ran with the right crowd so it's all good."

Um, awkward PARTY OF ONE! No joke I was shocked, who does that? So G, ShamWow, the Gym Nazi and I sit down and discuss who this chick is and I'm asking G like WTF? Did you get that speech about being part of the cool crowd? He goes "Oh no, she gave you that one?? Yeah I have heard that before..."

How about a warning G? Yo you're not going to remember this girl but say you do and you remember her from the band or she is going to go put you on blast by way of a 15 minute speech of how high school politics and lack of popularity ruined her life! I mean I had a lot of friends but I certainly wouldn't consider myself as popular, I mean I was never the Homecoming/Prom Queen. What the hell?

So we're chillin in the corner and I'm drinking and smoking a joint and here comes the birthday girl. We tell her to sit down and are asking her if she's having a good birthday, you know being really nice and we're having a conversation and this broad just can't quit! She brings it up AGAIN and this time she let's it drop that I was a "MEAN GIRL and obviously you STILL are running with the right crowd because you brought Kelly Taylor (ShamWow) with you." Well of course I can't help but laugh because it's pretty ironic, no? She goes I mean you were the girl that we would say you're so pretty and you would say "Thanks." WTF is she talking about?? I don't ever recall any of this??

At this point I'm getting pissed because I really wasn't mean to nerdy girls in high school. I was mean to the bitchy girls or the girls with whom I was competing for a guy with, but that's it. I think at this point ShamWow notices that I'm about to say something so she jumps to my defense and says "Ya she might have hung around with the cool people but what does that mean? She was getting into trouble....** COUGH COUGH ** WHORE! You didn't really want to hang out with her, did you??"

Thank God she broke it up with the cough, cough, WHORE! When in doubt just cough and blend a WHORE into a conversation because that was actually funny and true! It also seemed to chill me out long enough to laugh at ShamWow who took being called 'Kelly Taylor' as a compliment and didn't see it as a bitchy comment. I mean who didn't want to be Kelly Taylor? But I'll be Goddamned if I'm going to be the Brenda cough cough WHORE of the group! I just can't seem to get over how weird it was to be dressed all 90's, at a party with people I saw regularly in the 90's, and then having to defend myself for being myself to a person who's opinion didn't matter to me! Talk about dejavu or feeling like I was in the twilight zone!

So we decided to sneak the hell out of that party and move onto the jungle savage themed party in Redondo Beach that Suzy Q put together, in hopes of meeting some hot dudes!

After a quick costume change in the car, all of us ladies put on some animal print and met up with the hottness that was Suzy Q who looked WAY more jungle savage theme than we did! Unfortunately, we didn't really meet any interesting hot boys but we did meet some super cool ladies (who happened to be fans of the late night 4th meal) who kept us talking and entertained the rest of the night! At least it wasn't a total loss and we had fun!

I'll be honest, it's getting tough going out so often and trying to meet new people, but what else are we going to do? ShamWow, Gym Nazi, and myself are as single as one gets and we're just not meeting quality randoms at bars or restaurants or anything. We all figure that our only hope is meeting someone through a friend or their friends and it's hard to be social or in the mood to be social all of the time, ya know? Anyways, thank you Suzy Q, we had fun and I can't wait for the next party!

ShamWeezy in 90's gear. Peep the coach backpack/purse, remember when a backpack was a handbag???

Gym Nazi was pretending she was hooking like "Pretty Woman" I think...

And the Jungle/Savage Party pics:

Me and the FAB bucket of tits that is Suzy Q

The Animal Handler

2009-08-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

I will admit, I'm pretty scared of many animals... but recently I've been able to over 'cum' some of my fears. I've dealt with snakes, weasels, dogs, rats, pussys, and of course bi POLAR bears.... But, I've seen something that I have never really seen before..... no, I still haven't seen the Lockness monster, but I have seen, what I will refer to as the Double Headed Dragon... AKA.. "DHD"... you know the type... A guy who is one minute totally into you, talking about grand kids, paying for not only you.. but, your friends to kick it as well. The next minute you think he might have accidentally LOST your number... only to wake up 2 weeks later to realize you are in a full blown "textmance".

This particular textmance involves a boy who I will refer to as "Mr. Industry". Ummm... by "industry" I'm not talking about fabric, I'm talking about the "adult" industry... (back round of course, I'm that trashy, bitches) But now I'm in a TEXTMANCE, WTF???? I know, I get it... I'm almost 30... I have a kid... but, I'm still use to certain things... and when a guy is into me I expect them to do what they need to do... meaning, ask me out, take days of work, re-arrange their schedule, or if distance is an issue they fly me out... not just risk breaking a nail to keep in contact! So, here comes "Mr. Industry"... He's great, a guy I totally get who also gets me despite the fact that he lives about 2 hours away... Mr. Industry constantly has me laughing and wanting more.... Then more comes around and... depending on what day it is... is whether our "textmance" is going on. Day 1... texts all day long. Day 2.. maybe only after 4pm.. Day 3... Only texts before noon?? I feel like I'm Katy Perry and singing... "You're hot than you're cold" And don't even get me started about the POST midnight texts... OH boy!
You ladies get the drift....
One day you get the guy that you will drive hours to see.... the next day, happy you didn't waste your time in the car????

Am I totally wasting my time and/or nail polish texting this Double Headed Dragon?

Do I need to go to Borders and pick up a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You?"
Am I just color-blind and DON'T see the RED flags waving???

Cause to be honest... I'm ready to throw up the WHITE flag!

Fashion Faux FAIL

2009-07-29T13:33:00.000-07:00

I've been going out quite a bit lately (as most of my friends have birthdays that fall during the summertime) and I cannot understand what the hell people are thinking when they look in the mirror and decide to walk out, in that outfit! It's also more than just being a slob and not caring what you look like when you leave the house for a beer run or a quick 4th meal mission. As we all know, I'm guilty of rocking pajama pants to the supermarket at 3pm on a Sunday and Lilo will PROUDLY strut her stuff in boxer shorts and a wife beater w/no bra while carrying my Fendi handbag through the McDonald's drive-thru for a life saving cheeseburger meal. For us, it's pure laziness and the fact that we really don't expect to see anyone on these little outings, and we certainly.

These people I'm referring to actually spend time getting ready/planning these outfits, and proudly strut their stuff as if people are going to ask them "Who are you wearing tonight?" Or maybe they think someone will mistake them for a stylist and ask for their business card, I don't know.

Sequins: Anyone who knows me, knows that I have very strict rules when it comes to wearing sequins. This doesn't apply to a few strategically placed sequins on a dress/top/etc or a tiny little cluster of sequins on something. This applies to fully sequined dresses or outfits where the majority of fabric is covered in sequins. In my book, you are allowed to wear sequins only on 3 occassions:

1. Vegas - Feel free to dress yourself from head to toe in sequins when in Vegas. IF you want to walk around looking like a human disco ball, be my guest. I will even walk around WITH you and will pretend that I know you! Vegas = Sequins, attention, and in general 'look at me' so if you are looking to make that sort of statement then I will support it as long as it is within reason.

2. Your Birthday - If it is YOUR birthday, you are welcome to wear sequins. It is your day and all about you and if you want all eyes on you and find a fab sequin party dress, please feel free to wear it. I will still attend your birthday party and I will even take a picture with you that you can feel free to post on Facebook or wherever else you desire to post it.

3. New Years Eve - If you're going to a fab NYE party or club or whatever, rock the hell out of the sequin party dress! NYE is all about sparkle and over-the-top NOTICE ME so we can make out at midnight dresses! While you're at it go ahead and put on a stupid Happy New Year hat and 2010 glasses. It's acceptable because it's New Years and everyone wants to get dressed up, look their best, and have a good time.

It is NOT acceptable to wear a sequin party dress when going to a club in Hollywood. Unless you're a celebrity walking the red carpet into a private soiree, you need not be wearing disco ball sequined mini dresses in Hollywood. You look like a damn fool walking up sunset in your sequin tube dress and matching sequin evening bag that you borrowed from your mom. STOP IT. Not only do you look ridiculous, but you also run the risk of getting heckled by me when I'm driving down Sunset dressed appropriately. I've been known to roll my windows down and scream "I hope it's your birthday because this ain't Vegas and it sure as hell isn't New Years Eve!"

Last night, Lilo and I were lucky enough to see No Doubt in concert, which was AMAZINGLY FAMOUS! Aside from the show being so grand, the fashions of those in attendance was nothing short of embarrassing. I don't know what it is about Gwen Stefani, but girls seem to think they can put their own outfits together and imitate Gwen or what they think Gwen would be impressed by using their own personal style. People were dressed in the most ridiculous pieces put together with more ridiculous pieces, painted by a MAC makeup artist in training, and slathered in blood red lipstick. It was a HUGE FAIL in the fashion department.

The FAIL Kitty: Wearing a leopard print unitard with black Ugg boots, the most peroxide platinum hair, and wet n wild's reddest white trash lipstick. This leopard print unitard is just straight unacceptable. To make matters worse, it looked a little worn...as if this was her go-to outfit that she went-to far too many times. This broad was beat looking. Not even the Shitty Kitty would hire her. And don't even get me started on the Ugg boots! I HAAAAAATE Ugg boots in general and the ONLY time you will catch me wearing them is in FREEZING temperature when traveling in Europe or the mountains where I don't stand the chance of seeing anyone who would recognize me.

The FAIL Dad: Wearing his sunglasses indoors. His poor little tween daughter forced to deal with his obsessive JUMPING and WAVING at Gwen while rotating his sunglasses from being positioned on his forehead above his eyes/resting on his eyebrows or wearing them over his eyes, indoors, in a dark arena. Did I mention how he was JUMPING around like a friggin idiot and doing his best to call attention to himself? Waving and re-positioning his sunglasses so he could look "cool" - bro was ANYTHING but cool.

Bikini top FAIL: I'm thinking this girl was no older than 14 years old and I'm pretty sure this is NOT how she left the house last night. I turn around and there she is wearing a turquoise string bikini top and jeans, with the pre-requisite black studded belt. Has this ever been OK? To go out and plan to wear a bikini top with jeans? It's one thing to wear a bikini somewhere and maybe slip jeans on afterwards, but usually you put a goddamn shirt on as well?!?! I know Gwen has been known to rock the bikini top over a wife beater or just rock a bikini top but that is because she is a rock star and she is on stage in costume. Last I checked going to a concert was not an invite to a costume party...unless of course you're going to a Goth or Emo concert which is more like a friggin masquerade ball.

Anyone have any thoughts on these? What are you fashion deal breakers? Have you ever sent a friend back to her closet to change when you saw what she was planning on wearing?

Marking Your Territory

2009-07-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

There are so many things girls do that annoy me, but the one that just irritates the hell out of me is how they go about marking their territory. First of all anyone that has to mark their territory, probably isn't that secure about their relationship in the first place, no? It seems to me that the most insecure girls are the ones that feel the need to figuratively pee all over their man so that people know he is in fact, their man.

I've never been a jealous person and never really understood why the hell girls do this. To me, it's like broadcasting to everyone around that you lack game. I am also not one to compete with other broads for a dude, if there are other girls in the picture or other girls trying to get at a dude I'm chillin with, I pretty much bounce. I can't be bothered to be that annoying drama girl trying to hose some guy down in the form of TMI and think that is what's going to hook this guy. Not to mention, why the hell would I want to hook up with some dude that has just been hosed down by some other chick? Maybe that's what they're thinking...

A few years ago, Lilo and I started referring to some boys as fire hydrants and when certain girls came into the picture, we'd know in advance that she would be peeing all over him and laying claim to him, publicly. It used to be just obscene amounts of PDA in public, but nowadays, these games are even worse. These new chicks have to kick it up a notch, it's like they try to one up everyone from the start. How about the broads who just break out with every VOM detail of their sexual relationship...in public? Whether it's little comments or straight telling a blackjack dealer you have anal leakage from an earlier romp in the hotel room, NOTHING IS SECRET. It's like they do it in case you planned on sucking his dick later, a little "By the way, he threw his peen in my ass earlier..."

I mean as if I'm missing out? 90% of the time you have absolutely zero interest in the guy and you just end up feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed that someone is even talking about this while both parties involved and others are there! I don't want to hear about the road dome you just got on the way to the party, and I don't want to know how you cleaned up the mess and please step away from my drink! While we're on the subject...boys, I most definitely do NOT want you to call me while you're getting dome!

Then we have the equivalent of a bathroom stall wall that EVERYONE READS - Facebook. Can people be anymore goddamn annoying on there? Every guy has chicks peeing all over their walls, photos, and anything else with their comments. Do you REALLY have to write such ridiculousness publicly for everyone to see? "I LOVE THIS PIC OF YOUR SOFA! BTW DID YOU FIND MY PANTIES? I THINK I LEFT THEM THERE LAST NIGHT...OR THE NIGHT BEFORE :P" Seriously? What. The. Fuck.

Lately, ther is a lot of action on the garbage man's wall. I don't even have to stalk it or make special trips to view it. There are P.I.'s who inform me. The GM has a new girlfriend of 2 1/2 months, and they are so in love...or at least we know she is! In a matter of about two weeks the garbage man and grim reaper have: entered into a relationship, she's changed her default to a pic of them, she's posted little ♥'s on his wall, and is now replying to comments other people leave on the 'in a relationship' status notifier deal. So, when people ask who is this chick and when/where did she come from...wait for it... She will respond in no less than a full paragraph with where they met, who was there, how in love they are, and how the last 2.5 months have been the best months of her life. Are you kidding me? Dude is a GARBAGE MAN who is MISSING A TOOTH! She lives in HELL (aka Valencia) with her kid and her parents!

Do you know how hard it is NOT to respond and say "He's ALL YOURS! I hope you live happily ever after and drink as much PBR as your little hearts desire." Am I the only one who has had enough of this nonsense? Are there that few guys in the world that you just have to take what you can get and then put out an APB on what you are doing with him 24/7?

STOP. IT.

Sold Bitches

2009-07-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

After work on Friday all I had to do was go to the market, go home and just enjoy my weekend...I was busy @ work so got off an hour later, but I wasn't going to let ANYTHING get in the way of my glorious weekend. I got to the grocery store and yeah I forgot my list.. grrrr... and yeah the lines were a bit long... but, like I said... I wasn't going to let ANYTHING put a damper on my 4th of July weekend!

As I was unloading the groceries @ my parents house I heard this horrible noise.... like a baby screeching... then I kept hearing it... I thought.. "What the fuck is that noise??" It was horrible and something I had never heard before, and it felt like it was directed just for me??

I figured out, it sounded like a dog... either giving birth or dying.. I've never heard either, so I really couldn't tell you exactly which one.....

I know the neighbor (the HOT neighbor who I would totally marry or even settle for a one night stand) has 3 dogs, so I glanced over at his house and there was this pathetic dog looking at me....... no barking, but talking?????? I felt like I was in the movie... "Dr. DooLittle"

It was at that point I realized it was the 4th dog... his girlfriend!!!! She speaks??? The same person who could lose a talking war with a dead person..... and can you guess what came barking out of her mouth..

"We sold the house!!" (We.....I mean unless her hot boyfriend has a mouse in his pocket... it was/is HIS house) So, I put my fake smile and nice voice on and said..... gulp, breathe, sigh.... "Congratulations!!"

That bitch!!!! At least she could have done was to put some Vaseline before she RUBBED it in? The nerve... She was so excited just to break the bad news to me.... I mean she NEVER talks to me... I'm convinced she has a stopwatch and every time she pulls in the driveway she is playing a game of how fast she can get inside the house without making contact with anyone....probably rewarding herself with a dog biscuit!

Friday was this bitches day to bask in the glory, and I'll be honest she won! But, I had my "trump card in my back pocket"... Hot neighbor told me that they were looking into buying a house in the small little town where I have my business, "TERRIFIC"... I do women's retail, but would TOTALLY make a house call for him!

So.... I said, "Oh, did you find a place in L.C.?" She replied no, "I put an offer on a house in Orange County"... So, now I'm confused...... This "ruff ruff" has not only changed the said location of the move.. but SHE has put an offer on a place that is almost 2 hours away by herself?? If he's so into her, why didn't HE put an offer with her?

You Are The Weakest Link...GOODBYE!

2009-06-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

On my vacation to Jamaica I had an AMAZING time and will include some of the pics to PROVE IT!

When I wasn't playing beer pong,

running as fast as I could into the ocean (I think I twisted my ankle),

drinking,

doing cannon balls into the pool while fully clothed,

taking "questionable" pictures,

and going swimming @ 2 am - I was having FUN!!

After all, I paid for MY trip and I was going to be the one responsible for having or not having fun!

~~I ran into~~ I was stalked by "TEXAS" who took my intoxication as a FREE PASS +1 point for Texas. Our FauxMance lasted only a day and a half and in that time, Texas spewed how beautiful I was, while I reciprocated how nice he was. I gave into the constant compliments and his determination but never thought...can a nerd be a player?? +1 point for Texas.

While his continuous invitations to go to the beach, the bar, and Margaritaville were inviting, I had to say "no." He did get a little butt hurt but thank GOD I read the book"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man!" I stuck to my guns, I broke out with this line, and part of my dignity still clings to it "I'm going to be completely honest with you.. (if i ever start a line this way, duck, run, or jump) I might never talk to you again, and in a few months when ALL of my friends are reminiscing about all of the glorious stories of Jamaica, I don't want to hear about them! I want to be apart of them!" I'm not gonna lie, it felt great saying this to him... I had the ball... or BALLS in my court, right??

Apparently I have only seen previews to the movie "OUT OF SIGHT... (out of mind)" So, after I basically said he wasn't a priority, his eyes wandered...along with his mediocre face, bad clothes and horrific velcro sandals!!! Seriously, peep these sandals....WTF??????

So, since the trip consisted of 8 girls who are all assholes, you can bet I got shit from ALL of them for even talking to him! Oh and along with the cute guy next to me while I was playing beer pong who said to the Ringleader "Who's that douche your friend is with?" Besides 8 girls and a random dude, lets throw in the over weight security guard that also chimed in said "I'm not going to say anything, but are you REALLY with that guy??"

Needless to say, the fauxmance didn't last, and now I'm back home and thinking...
Why do I always lower my rate???? (per Miss Communication who advised us what lowering your rate means in the porn industry...)

Why do I keep these guys that I really don't even like, or care for around, and let them keep coming around??

When do I start deleting numbers off my phone???

Deleting "fauxs" from my facebook????

So, as I'm writing this blog I'm thinking about my next step, which is to go to facebook and DELETE...
and for those of you who are friends with me... look for my status....

ShamWOW is deleting ALL of the WEAKEST links.. GOODBYE!!!!

It's official, I'm a Used Ta

2009-06-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I used ta be a friggin model skinny biatch who used ta gallivant around town wearing next to nothing and doing whatever the hell I pleased. I used ta have a sick a$$ body and I'd say that I had about a 12 year run of baring my midriff just about everyday. I for sure used ta think I was hot shit and apparently people used ta agree. Back in the day, it used ta be no problem to get any guy I wanted or just plain get whatever I wanted.

I mean how hard was it for me? When I walked it's like I was listening to Tupac's "I Get Around" in my head. Shoooot, I put my own spin on "Put a lil twist in her hips cause I'm watchin" cause at the time, they ALL used ta be watchin. The term 'shake it don't break it' meant absolutely nothing to me, in my eyes if you didn't break it you surely weren't gonna make it in my book! Well...that book was a book I USED TA write! These days things are so different! I mean, I would never even THINK about baring my midriff these days and lord knows I definitely don't have the same confidence I used ta have back then! Which brings me to my next question:

Is it better to have had your good years when it came to your looks and confidence earlier in life or later?

As much fun as it was, and believe me, I took FULL ADVANTAGE of what I was working with, I feel like all of the perks I used ta have and how easy things used ta be for me has totally jaded my point of view. I guess it's because I know what I am missing and NOT getting compared to what I was used ta. Does that even make sense? It's like flying first class. If you have never laid in a fully flat bed on an international flight, then you don't know what you're missing. You can just carryon flying coach and be uncomfortable but not really know the difference or know what you're missing. But once you cross over to the land of warm nuts, fresh baked cookies, extra room, and free flowing booze, how do you ever sit in coach and not long for the luxury of first class? The worst part about all of that is that no matter how hard I try to get into shape, I just can't get the body back that I used ta have and that totally depresses me.

Not that I would want to be 115 - 125 lbs again, I mean I was skinny and had had amazing abs, but to be honest, I prefer to have some curves. I would prefer NOT to have to wear maternity tops to cover my friggin ~~muffin top~~ popover! WTF happened to my metabolism? It was ROCKIN until I was 23, once I turned 23 my metabolism took a permanent leave of absence! While I have lost a considerable amount of weight in the past 5 months and everyone keeps saying how great I look, I just keep comparing myself to how I used ta be. I used ta LOVE bikini shopping! I mean any bikini I put on used ta look great on me, and now I want to do anything BUT go shopping for a bikini which is kind of a problem considering I leave for Jamaica in EIGHT days and really need to pick up a few more bikini's.

Needless to say, I am going to keep working towards my goal of losing another 20 pounds. I don't know if I will get there, but I just need to work at it while working on accepting the fact that I am officially a used ta...for now.

And just because I love to torture myself, here are some pics of when I used ta be able to wear whatever the hell I wanted to.

Back when I used to make out with soap opera actors and when I used to have no popover belly:

Always rockin the bare midriff

Skinny Biatch (and I don't want to hear it about my awesome Doc Martin's)

Move Bitch, Get Out the Way

2009-05-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

There are just some things that really just plain PISS ME OFF. I could be in the best mood ever, and when these certain things happen? I stop, stare, and say to myself "Really... Really... Are you fucking kidding me???"

In no particular order:

1. Cold fries from McDonald's. If I wanted cold fries, I would have eaten the fries left over in my fridge from the day before! Or, if I actually polished those off, I would have opened the freezer and took a bite out of a frozen one! Make them fresh or use a damn HEAT LAMP!

2. When I get my legs waxed and they leave wax/hair on my leg. Listen ladies, if I wanted a sloppy job, I so could have done that myself! I mean, if that is what you do for a living, be good at it!

3. In the bathroom and the toilet seat is UP. It's just annoying and disgusting all at the same time. Now, not only do I have to get toilet paper to put the seat down, but I get to see the base of the seat which is filled with all sorts of urine drops and the occasional PUBE... put the seat BACK down, and AIM good!

And last but not least #4:
When you see a quality guy/potential husband walking with a DOG! Those little 4 legged things that bark are okay... But, I'm talking about the girl he is with!

I don't want to name anyone specific, but since this is the BAD GIRLS guide to Glory... I'm talking about the BITCH who is dating the hot successful guy next door! He is very good looking, has a great personality, is successful, and definitely marriage material! She is boring, boring, and oh yeah.. Booooooooring! I've meet her probably 6 or 7 times, and I just can't even remember her name for the life of me, because she is nothing to even remember! Then I'm reminded when I'm bitching about the BITCH, that her and I have the same name! That is how boring she is, I can't even remember her name and we have the same name!

So, she's ugly.... and boring. And on a realistic scale, I would probably put her at a 5 (and two of those DON'T make a 10)
I would put him about a solid 8.5 to 9
So where is she making this 3.5 to 4 point difference?

I can only think of one thing... BEDROOM??

Since when do hot guys allow ugly bitches to sleep with them...AND keep them around afterwards?

Does this Dog know some tricks that I don't??

Is the owner just trying to help keep our Earth a green place... he obviously knows he needs to keep the lights off with this "ruff-ruff" in bed.

It's not going to be easy to get rid of this dog... throwing a bone, probably won't work.

I'm open to suggestions ladies....

(And knocking on his door has already been done.... Jogging in the morning has been tried)

The Mean Girls' Next Door??

2009-05-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

ShamWow and myself (the two single Mean Girls) have really been working to expand our social and dating horizons lately. We already have a pretty full and active social calendar and are constantly going out and meeting new people, but we just haven't had any luck meeting any new boys with any real potential. We have a bagillion friends who have a million friends and I swear it seems like we have met EVERYONE connected to everyone, yet all of the guys we already know/have met are in the "friend zone" with no possibility of romance pretty much ever.

So lately, rather than laying out drinking margarita's with our usual clique in the black hole (aka ShamWow's house), we've been taking other friends up on their offers to go out with the hopes of meeting new boys. Last night, two of our girls, Miss Communication and Capt Pants who are over at Whoremotions invited us out to a birthday party at Lola's. It was open bar and it was all dudes, how could we go wrong?? Everyone was really nice and it was definitely fun to meet some new people! There were a ton of guys, and although we just got to know some of these people, there could definitely be some potential in this group, at the very least we made some good contacts and connections!

Oh yeah, and because we went last night...we scored invites to party tomorrow night at none other than, THE PLAYBOY MANSION. Now, I've lived in LA my whole life and have NEVER gotten to go to the Playboy Mansion, so basically I am stoked beyond belief! Well, stoked about everything EXCEPT WTF AM I GOING TO WEAR?? And don't say nothing or you will get virtually punched in the face. It's a jammie jam/lingerie party and I'll be honest, I might have lost about 30 pounds but I am in NO SHAPE to be parading around in a bra and panties! Nor do I have anything that is jammie related that I'm willing to wear out in public so that I can be compared to anorexic playmate's and bunnies. I can see it now, someone photographs the event and the next thing you know my picture is posted on The Dirty with some sort of Shamu caption and a note how Playboy is working hard to save the whales.

I. WOULD. DIE

So what the hell am I going to wear? I'm pretty sure this means I'm going to have to go shopping...

De La WhoreYA

2009-05-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be turning the dirty 30 this year, and it'll be oh so dirty! My past has been that and then some but thank GOD it was not me on the "dirty" side!

After high school, a friend of a friend asked me if I wanted to pass out flyers for a night club and get paid $50.00 for an hour or two of work. After checking my calendar of babysitting, shopping, and drinking 40's, I was available so I said yes...and that is where my "Body Shop Chronicles" began...

I'm about 5'4 and at the time, a size 2/4. It was around 2000, Britney just had her first hit "Hit me baby one more time" and people would always tell me I looked just like her. Let's just say I was no dog paddling for the step... if you catch my drift.

As I went to help my friend pass out flyers, I was befriended by the "Grim Reaper" or "Walking corpse" and also known as "Aboud." Aboud was responsible for all of the hired talent for the famous Strip Club on Sunset Blvd. Unfortunately for him, I actually graduated high school, was currently in college, and had a pretty high self esteem, so his "YOU DANCE FOR ME" just really wasn't a tempting offer for a girl like me. So, after an hour or so of "wood chopping" at the tree that was me, his next question/demand was, "YOU WAITRESS."

And so I did, I "waitressed" and I made BANK! I paraded around wearing all black, charged pervs for waters and sodas and made great money! It really was the jackpot of part-time jobs and I literally thanked the sweet baby Jesus for this hook up, you know because Jesus and strip clubs go hand-in-hand, right?

So, I already mentioned it was the hottest strip club in all of Los Angeles and located in a prime spot on the Sunset Strip. I would regularly serve TONS of CELEBS, and trust me I will get to those stories later on, but for now, I have only ONE fight and the gloves are ON!!!!

This boxer, Oscar de la WHOREYA (who is married and had just won a fight) comes in with his entourage. I hook him and his 6 or 7 peeps up with drinks, and when I say drinks...I mean "special" drinks." I smile, flirt, act like I care...and wait...and wait some more... AND WAIT... and then look at my watch... and stand! At this point, minutes had passed and nothing... NO TIP?? So, I walk away and sit and muster as to what the FUCK just happened???? I looked cute, gave them "stiff" drinks and waited, and nothing! He went and did his thing in the back "area" (aka the champagne room) and left! In my head, I was thinking "PEACE OUT, LOSER!"

So, a week goes by and guess who and his ~~pussy~~ posse comes in? Yup Oscar and the same guys. So, I'm a fighter and I think that last week must have been a fluke. So I smile, flirt, and give some "special" drinks again and get the same response... NADA.. ZIP.. ZILCH.. ZERO.... NO TIP! Last time I checked, I didn't work for free! He does his same routine as always, but this time he takes the dancer to a "special" place (aka owners office) and leaves like a happy camper after a s'mores roast. She walked away like her face had gotten a little too close to the fire, she was all red, and full of glee - classic star fucker face! I might not have noticed but, I was so BUTT hurt after NO tip! I saw EVERYTHING! And he was married... so a cheap pervert???? Does it get any worse?????

Not even a week later, and guess who strolls in again? Oscar de laDOUCHE. Yeah, I'm not a quitter, but I'm not stupid either. It's at this point that I realize he's not tipping me because I'm a "white" girl, so I insisted that the hispanic girl who worked with me try waiting on him, because he would for sure take care of her, right? And I was wrong, he gave her nothing and treated her the same way he did me.

Nude ladies, a "special" drink, and special VIP "room/office" wasn't enough for him, HE'S CHEAP!!!

I'm not sure whether or not he actually got the whores # after his 3rd visit, or if he found someone else, but he did not return again. In 2002, I got free tickets to see Oscar fight Vargas in VEGAS! It was a great reason to go and cheer on someone else, plus it's VEGAS! I sat down next to a FAT, DISGUSTING, mole of a man, who of course was cheering for the Cheap Perv, GREAT! And yes, the WHOReYA won afterall and I was pissed! To this day, I still haven't gotten over it. I don't know why but cheap just stays with me!

I guess it's one thing to deal with a man that is a pervert or scum bag... but when he's CHEAP on top of all of that??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO???????

So I decided to tell you all what a douche this guy is as well as post these really cute pics of him.

The Princess Doesn't Fall Far From The Queen

2009-05-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

All winter long she wore her tan crochet Ugg boots, tan ultra suede purse with fringe and leggings of course! Now that the weather has warmed up, for us in sunny Los Angeles, she's in her Michael Kors jellies and when she's not wearing those she is in her Guiseppe Zanotti inspired t-strap flats with the satin flower in between the toes and her new orange purse with a glitter peace sign! Her style is pretty much the same. If it's not pink, it has sequins. Although she has some great pieces of clothing, she sometimes gets a little too excited and shoots for "Samantha" from Sex in the City, but her mix and matching looks more like Punky Brewster. ( I never have the heart to tell her)

Ladies, we can all say that we are spoiled to some extent...... but sometimes its just way overboard!

While I'm doing loads of laundry, she's soaking in a bubble bath probably thinking how the damn world revolves around her!! When we go out, she tends to get a lot of attention, she's a huge flirt and a great ice-breaker when cute boys are around. So... I deal with her.

Then there are times I have to draw the line. I draw this imaginary line that on one side sits my pride, dignity, and the thought that maybe "part" of the world revolves around me; the other side of the line is HER. She can be bossy, rude, and just plain inconsiderate. She sometimes makes me feel like I'm her personal bitch, not to mention chauffeur, WTF??? When she acts this way, I want to say "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!!!!" It's at this point I realize, I CAN'T! I can't because that would require me to pull over on the side of the road, un-buckle her, carry her out and leave her on the side of the road... and can someone REALLY do that to their 3 1/2 year old kid?? (If so please privately email me the way) I actually haven't researched this, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal!

So, with Richard... or shall we say "DICK" out of the picture, I've got the full responsibility of: taking care of a kid, running my own business, and trying to have a little fun in my life in the meantime. At this point, I guess you could say I'm a "juggler," but with NO BALLS... literally! As hard as it is sometimes to deal with everything, it's just that much more rewarding at other times. I mean... I can't knock my own kid... all winter long I wore my metallic Ugg boots with leggings, and now that it's hot.. I'm wearing my Stuart Weitzman jellies! So, I guess the princess doesn't fall too far from the QUEEN!

Brown is the new blond

2009-04-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

I suck at blogging lately. In fact, all of us suck at it right now. Lilo is slammed at her new job and with homework/school, and aside from that her boyfriend of almost two months is monopolizing all of her free time giving her no time to blog or update. However, she is still alive just too "busy" to hang out with anyone but her boyfriend. ShamWow has been busy busting her ass trying to sell as much stuff as possible at Showcase all month so she has plenty of cash for our Jamaica trip.

I don't know if it is a sign of the economy picking back up, but people seem to be spending more than they have in the past few months and because of that I am literally going insane at work! Seriously, work has never been crazier! I recently was assigned to a new $3 million account and am now handling entertainment and production travel which is a FAR CRY from boring corporate travel. Now I'm dealing with movie studios, actors/talent, directors, their weird quirks and freaky preferences and millions of changes ALL DAY LONG. Seriously, these people change their minds as often as they blink their eyes. I don't even have time to browse the internet or update my Facebook status during the day. I guess in the end it's good because I'm making money and am not worried about losing my job at this time. The only thing getting me through each and every day is knowing that in 43 days my ass will be planted in the sand with one hand holding a spliff, and the other holding a cocktail that may or may not have a festive umbrella in it.

As for my bikini ready bod, let's just say not so much. I have obviously hit a really gnarly plateau in my weight loss and am STUCK at a loss of 27 pounds since mid-January. The past 3 weeks I have lost NO WEIGHT AT ALL! I'm so goddamn frustrated it's not even funny. The worst part of all is that I've seriously stepped up my workouts and have pretty much cut alcohol out of my life except MAYBE once or twice a week (as opposed to drinking everyday like I was). I'm 20 pounds away from reaching my goal weight and I REALLY thought that I would be able to pull that off before Jamaica :( I'm realizing as each day creeps closer to my trip that my goal is going to be pretty much impossible to achieve. It's taking everything I have to not drown myself in a bottle of wine and use a quesadilla as my floatation device.

I've been needing a change for a while and had been toying around with coloring my hair and going dark again, but then worry I'll hate it because it's summertime and want to be blonder. I've been rocking the light brown hair and blond highlights for a while now and I'm just getting tired of it. I made an appointment w/my colorist last Saturday and after my fail weigh in, I decided I was definitely going dark. I don't know what it was but I was super emo after not losing any weight AGAIN and I just figured dark hair and emo would be a good combo. My colorist didn't want to do it, tried talking me out of it, but I did it anyways and I'll admit I'm actually pretty happy with my new darker locks. If I had a decent pic of my new hair I would post it but I haven't really done anything lately and taken any pics.

In other news, I FINALLY had sex again - HALLELUJAH! After almost a 2 month hiatus, I swallowed my pride and actually agreed to meet Jason for drinks followed by sex at my place. I pretty much set it up as a straight up booty call, I mean I need to get some action somehow and he's repeat business so I'm not adding anymore notches to my bed, so what is the harm? I've determined that he is totally wasting my time when trying to make date plans, he's definitely NOT boyfriend material (HELLO he doesn't travel or take vacation and that will NOT work for me) and aside from that he is really flaky and "busy" and I just don't have time for that shit. So we'll see how the straight up booty call situation works with him, no plans just a phone call and a 10 minute drive for him to get to my place. Something tells me he will end up failing at this too.

Lilo & ShamWow

2009-04-23T00:25:00.001-07:00

Are my bitches <3

Vendage and The Red Truck Pinot Noir have not a Goddamn thing to do with it.*

Exactly 6 weeks from today we'll be "Jammin" and I'm so excited that I'm admitting that I'm FTG in advance.

* this was decided after my 1st ~~bottle~~ drink/glass of wine this week.

Thanks for coming out.

The Ringmessleader

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Things That Make Lilo Happy and NOT Fake Smile

2009-04-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

Lilo's arrival into Jamaica was a little bit different from mine, but the end result of her trip to Jamaica was pretty much the same as mine - she loves it! Not only that but she takes it a step further than me; Lilo intends on getting married in JA, when that day comes.

We went to JA in April '07 and since we picked April, we made sure we were there to celebrate 4/20 and it was GLORIOUS. At the time, I was burned out and in need of a comeback, and that is just what a trip to Jamaica is for. Seeing how Lilo rolls the best blunts/joints out of any of my friends, she won the friend lottery and I chose to take her with me on what would be Lilo's first trip out of the country...Of course I knew this would require some pretty serious preparation, like a complete run down of what she needs to know, things she might not need to know but feels more comfortable knowing just in case, as well as just how much Dramamine she should pack, seeing how we hadn't planned on hopping aboard a cruise ship or any other boat for that matter.

When our flight arrived in Montego Bay, I was grinning ear to ear and ready to get my JA on. Lilo had informed me that she tends to swell on flights and when we were landing she seemed to be in some sort of pain that I could not relate to or understand. I kept smiling at her and saying how glor this was going to be, just wait! Then I looked over at her and she was CRYING!! Yes, CRYING BRO! The only words I could muster in my best Tom Hanks voice was "There's NO CRYING in Jamaica!" Apparently her appendages had swollen and she was wearing a ring on her finger that she could not remove which was cutting off circulation. Once she deflated, everything was cool and we were en route to our resort.

When it comes to actual vacationing, Lilo is real simple as far as what she plans to do. Prior to this vacation, her goals were simply to drink, sleep, and work on her tan. As long as those things were accomplished she would be happy. I'd say that within 30 mins of arriving at our resort, Lilo was the happiest I have EVER seen her in my life. Free flowing booze, view of the ocean from anywhere she stood, ganja readily available, and the option to get curly fries or an ice cream cone anytime she wants? One word - SOLD! I saw a side of Lilo I had never seen before, she sounded and reminded me of a giggly schoolgirl always smiling and skipping. At one point I even commented on the fact that I never realized how many teeth she has! I've obviously seen her smile before, but this was a whole different smile... It made me realize that every other time I had seen her smile, she was fake smiling! You can't fake smile in Jamaica, it's like fake smile detecting serum.

By day 2, Lilo had the lay of the land down and without a doubt had made herself at home. She was totally adjusted to island time and was basking in the fact that she had nowhere to be and nothing in particular to do. As Lilo had no real plans in Jamaica, she sort of stuck to an outline of what she likes to call "Things that make me happy." It was basically a rotating list of things she enjoys doing so at any point if she felt bored or felt like doing something she would choose from that list. At one point, it got to be ridiculous hearing Lilo say: This makes me happy, that makes me happy, and you know what REALLY makes me happy? I finally told her to shut it and to only advise me of things that make you sad and nothing made her sad except the fact that they ran out of curly fries for about 20 minutes one day.

When we got back from Jamaica, Lilo's departner sent me an e-mail saying how Lilo needs to go to Jamaica more often, that she was STILL smiling, and just generally delightful to deal with...as opposed to her normal joy that exudes in the form of yelling, pointing, and snapping. She even made all of our friends come over to her apartment and watch a slideshow of our pictures on her tv while she narrated. It was awesome.

A typical day for Lilo in Jamaica:

1. Wake up just before the breakfast buffet is over and poach as many fresh chocolate chip croissants as possible. Bring croissants back to the room and go back to sleep for another hour.

2. Put on bikini, lube up with sunblock, grab a rum punch from the bar and decide what to do.

3. Frolic on the beach, in the pool, or in the ocean in any order she likes and sees fit.

4. Go down the waterslide and then get curly fries or curly fries and then waterslide?

5. Spark up a spliff down by da beach mon.

6. Steal bottles of champagne.

7. Get dressed up and take pictures frolicking and of the sunset.

8. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Some photographic evidence of how she spends her day:

Not fake smiling

Drinking

Frolicking

Skipping:

Stealing Bottles of Champagne:

Curly fries or go down the slide?? Hmmm.

Just because they heart us in Jamaica, they make your fried rice look like this:

If you're interested, here are some more random pics from JA.

Life is Like a Maraton...Keep Running

2009-04-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm tired.... my neck hurts...my back too... and I'm bloated!!! Basically just feeling like total CRAP! Oh yeah, and taxes due, and God forbid I get any money back. I'm pissed, and all I can think about is FML, FML, FML and then more FML, FML, FML! Then of course, to my surprise, a good one, I was sportin' the red ribbon. At this point, I am sort of understanding why I hate my life so much, but I'm too far deep to stop my self-loathing pity party!

As I go to the bathroom to open up the box of Playtex, I notice a little message on the wrapper.... "Life is like a marathon... keep running" I re-read it again, shake my head and say "FUCK YOU" to the wrapper!!! Run??? RUN WHERE?????? What fuckin' girl starts sportin' and thinks.. " I should keep running"??? Let's be honest, the only place I'm running is to the store for more pons, midol, or alcohol... or all of the above. Life is like a marathon.... whose??? Last time I checked, in life they don't block off all the streets so you can just keep running with out any interruptions..... And last time I check MY life... when I get thirsty, nobody is on the sideline running next to me with a glass of red wine? So fuck the marathon!

Later I go to the bathroom, and the next wrapper says "Practice makes perfect"Practice what??? At this point I just start pulling all the pons out of the box to read all the other crap: "Go play. Have fun. Trust your tampon" Trust what? A piece of cotton with a string?? "Focus. Focus. Focus"....On what, how bloated my belly looks?? "Keep your eye on the ball"... That actually made me laugh, because there are NO balls in sight!!

"Practice your victory speech"... Well, since I felt like a bloated, beaten, red-headed, step-child.. I couldn't possibly think of a victory speech... but maybe a little letter to Playtex...

Dear Platex,

Could you please give me the name of the skinny bitch who thought of this idea to put workout slogans on your tampon wrappers. I have a feeling she weighs under 100 pounds, goes to the gym at least twice a day and is so tiny that she only gets her period once... maybe twice a year. If you can't find her at the office, maybe look in the workout room?? If not, maybe in the ladies bathroom voming her lunch?

Enough about her. I had some great ideas for new slogans on the outside of the tampon wrappers...

1. "Please tuck the string in if you plan on getting in a bikini""
2. "Make sure your vibrator has batteries.... It's that time of the month"
3. "After you get wasted tonight, please remember to take me out"
4. "Lucky bitch, you ain't pregnant"

Once You Go, You Know

2009-04-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, I began working at this travel agency as an after school and summer job. One of the jobs I did was stocking brochures to different travel destinations and because of that, I spent a lot of time studying pictures, learning about different countries, and adding destinations to my list of places to visit one day.

For some reason, I always kept going back to one brochure and reading it a million times, it was the brochure for Sandals Negril in Jamaica. For some reason, out of all of the destinations in the world, I was magically drawn to the famous 7 Mile White Sand Beach in Negril. I remember the two phrases that sold me on it, they were:

"Take a stroll on Negril's famous 7 mile white sand beach, where the only footprints in the sand are your own."

"Be as active as you want...or do nothing better than it has ever been done"

Obviously, I don't vacation to be active and the fact that they welcome and encourage you to NOT do a damn thing? Where do I sign up?

When I was 22 years old, the opportunity presented itself and my boyfriend and I set off for Jamaica. At the time, the airport was small and not all that high-tech; they didn't have things like jet ways and well, the airport wasn't enclosed. When your flight landed in Jamaica, you would deplane right on the tarmac and walk into a little room/area for customs and immigration. When I stepped off the plane and down the stairs onto the tarmac, I remember inhaling a deep breath of the island air and just knowing I was somewhere special.

I was filled with emotion from the moment I stepped foot in that country. I had traveled to many tropical islands before this but, there was something different within me, something I noticed with that very first breath of air I took when I landed. Whatever it was, I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt like I was supposed to be there, or maybe that I had been there and I was experiencing a return to something familiar...it was some sort of Lost-like Déjà vu. I never really had much of an opinion about reincarnation, but the closest way to describe how I felt was that this place gave me the feeling that I had lived there before in a past-life.

I literally was beaming my way through customs/immigration and even during the 3 hour drive to the resort, I could not stop smiling. The Jamaican people were so warm and friendly, and have the most amazing personalities, they seemed to just know how I felt. The first native that I spoke to outside of the airport asked me if it was my first time in JA, when I said "Yes." He looked me in the eye, reached out to pound fists with me, and said "Welcome home, mon."

Home. He was right. I was home. The moment I entered the resort, I was handed a cold glass of champagne to enjoy en route to my room. I took my shoes off and took my first steps in the soft powdery sand, it felt like stepping in flour. I looked down and indeed, my footprints were the only ones in the sand. I walked along the Caribbean Sea as the sun began to set, all I heard was the sound of the waves and the beat of Bob Marley. For seven glorious days, every step I took was to the beat of Bob Marley; in my head "Jammin" was on repeat and I walked to that beat everywhere I went. Could it have had something to do with the abundance of fresh ganja, rum, and Red Stripe on tap? Maybe, but I think it was deeper than that.

To put it simply, Jamaica warms my soul, touches my heart, and strengthens my spirit. No other place I have visited manages to break down every wall I have and fill me with sunshine.

I was chatting up a Rasta man and he asked me how my stay was going, to which I replied that I was really enjoying myself and the time in JA. First, he told me that I should have "full joy" because to "enjoy" is not to have "full joy," to enjoy takes away from the full joy one should have, I never thought of it that way. He taught me what it means to be irie, and that was the best definition of how I felt and how I feel when I'm in Jamaica. I never forgot what he said to me, 2 years ago I took Lilo to Jamaica and when I saw him raking the sand, we stopped off to talk to him and I told him how we were both irie and full of joy. He was genuinely happy that I remembered him and that his words meant something to someone.

The reason I'm writing about Jamaica today is because it's all I can think about. I am headed back home in June for my 7th trip to Jamaica. Not only that, but I am mobbing to Jamaica and I'm bringing 8 friends with me. Lilo and her boyfriend, ShamWow and her sister, two of my girls Dia and D, and two of my guy friends. We're spending an entire week in paradise and I'm so excited to be able to share Jamaica with them and go back with Lilo again!

Tomorrow I'm going to dedicate a post to Lilo and how her first trip to Jamaica played a huge part in the evolution of Lilo. It changed her right before my own eyes.

Some pics from my travels to Jamaica:

Call the Plumber/Reach for the Draino, These Pipes Are Clogged!

2009-04-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

So, after 7 years of being on SexCATRAZ my devotion to only one man was ovaaaaaah! Let the fun begin! I knew if I didn't get back in the saddle right away, years would have passed - best way to get over a man is under another one, right? Okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, years wouldn't have passed (hopefully) but I was free, and these ~~legs~~ wings wanted to be spread! Before my re-introduction to the single world, there were a few things that needed to be done. First, I had to lose that extra 10lbs that Richard never wanted me to lose. Second, hair needed to be blonder and I needed that healthy glow, so time for a tan! I was almost ready. Now, time to dust off the shoe boxes with my stilettos and break out with my old "date" tops... which didn't work... so I had to buy new ones. FML.

Since I was on Facebook, I was beginning to "reunite" with old friends, which was nice! Of course every once in awhile I got friended by some annoying ones, uggghhhhhh! Then I discovered you can click a button and not get any of their notifications.... GENIUS! But, I digress.

One day, I got a friend request from Blake, we went to high school together for one year (9th grade). He was cute, tall, quiet, and nerdy... but nice. You see, back then I was hot and dating seniors so him and I just weren't on the same page, but still friends. After his friend request he sent a message that asked "How have you been? I just remember every boy at school had a crush on you." I secretly blushed, looked up at his pics and thought - he's still cute AND grown up, hmmmm??? I responded that the Ringleader and I were going to hang out and he said he's been meaning to meet up with her, so we set up a date at the local bar near his house.

Conversation was fun and eventually we landed back at his place... tipsy. Okay, drunk. He was a gentlemen and offered to sleep on the couch so I could get the bed. Sweet, but I had an agenda on my mind...and body ;)

One thing lead to another, he was an AMAZING kisser and we do the dirty, I'll admit, I was pretty wasted. I definitely enjoyed it but didn't remember EVERY detail! The next morning, we woke up and had morning sex, I mean why not? I enjoyed it even more and I realized probably a little more than him... but honestly I'm a selfish bitch. I wasn't too worried about him plus, I had to go to work and was late again!!!

For date #2, he invited me over to his house and planned to cook me dinner. This was totally new for me, but so sweet that I enjoyed the change. The dinner was mediocre, although of couse I raved about how delicious it was! After dinner, we watched some movie and then one thing led to another and there we go again! Now, I wasn't drunk at this point and in NO rush to go anywhere, plus I wanted to actually enjoy myself and remember all the details! After going at it for awhile, my bizmess was done. But, I'm a team player so I kept going.... and going.... then sweating..... then cramping... Wait, now I'm tired! Let's wrap this up!! How long can this man possibly take?? Did he take something??? Am I going to have a "cock burn" on my Britney?? Wait, am I just that out of shape??? It seemed like we had been going for hours and I hit my breaking point...

Me: "Are you going to cum?"

Blake: "I DON'T!"

WTF? In a split second we went from being on a steamy episode of The Bachelor to being on Love Line... and I was playing Dr. Drew! Okay, forget the fact that we're naked, on the couch, and the movie is on ... can someone stop the music?? I was confused.

Me: "EVER??"

Now Blake is almost 30 years old, and he said he has only cum once?!?!?! So of course I keep going with this...

Me: "So you've only cum ONE time in your whole life???"

Blake replied "Well, with a girl..."

So in my head that means he jacks off all the time, right??? I mean, I assume he doesn't mean he's cum with a dude! Then I ask if he's ever talked to a doctor about this and he kinda laughed like why would he need to? It was at that point that I really felt bad for him, I mean this is a big deal! Well, for me it is. I like to know that a man is being satisfied, wouldn't you???? Then, I can't let it go; I'm disappointed but intrigued all at the same time, and it's kind of like watching a trainwreck! So we talk more about it, and I realize that I think this is a HUGE deal, and he thinks it's not that big of an issue! Ladies, he had the issue, and this newly single bitch didn't have the TISSUE!!!

It was at this point, that I truly CAME to my senses and I knew nothing would never CUM out the way I wanted.

Have you ever known someone with this problem? I mean NEVER being able to bust with a partner?

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

2009-04-06T13:15:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, I was catching up on all the tv shows on my DVR and came across a Steve Harvey appearance on the Tyra Show, he was promoting his book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." I had no idea he was an author and certainly didn't know he was any sort of relationship expert but found myself intrigued by what he had to say and watched the entire episode. He had some great insight on men and women and how we act in relationships and what he had to say just made sense. I forced my Roomie watch the episode the following day and she agreed with everything he was saying and went out and bought his book for us!

I finished reading the book last night, it took me about 2 1/2 hours to read it cover to cover. Once I started reading the book, I couldn't put it down. It was full of really logical information about men, how they think, feel, and love and written in a way that just makes sense. There are SO MANY THINGS us ladies do to make everything about relationships so incredibly complicated! And boy does he break down men and just how simple they are about just about everything! I found it to be a real no nonsense approach to finding out where you stand in a relationship and how to get what you want from your man.

One of the things that shocked me a bit was how Steve Harvey used his love of fishing for his philosophy that men will treat women like one of these two things: a sports fish or a keeper. The definition of Sports Fish really should have a picture of the Ringleader next to it apparently! I was pretty shocked to read this and go WOW this is me...

A Sports Fish:

Doesn't have any rules, requirements, respect for herself (I DO! I SWEAR!), or guidelines, and we men can pick up her scent a mile away. She's the party girl who takes a sip of her Long island Iced Tea or a shot of her Patron, then announces to her suitor that she just "wants to date and see how it goes," and she's the conservatively dressed woman at the office who is a master at networking, but clueless about how to approach men. She has no plans for any ongoing relationships, is not expecting anything in particular from a man, and sets absolutely not nary one condition or restriction on anyone standing before her - she makes it very clear that she's just along for whatever is getting ready to happen. For sure, as soon as she lets a man know through words and action that he can treat her just any old kind of way, he will do just that. Men will stand in line to sign up for that, believe me.

A Keeper:

Never gives in easily, and the standards/requirements start from the moment you open your mouth. See, she understands her power and wields in like a samurai sword. She commands - not demands - respect, just by the way she carries herself. You can walk up to her and give her your best game, and while she may be impressed by what you say, that's no guarantee that she's going to let the conversation go any further, much less give you her phone number and agree to give you some of her valuable time. Men automatically know from the moment she opens her mouth that if they want her, they'll have to get in line with her standards and requirements, or keep it moving because she's done with games and isn't interested in playing.

I am NOT willing to be someone's plaything or content being that girl on a string! I'm definitely going to work on sending the right signals to these boys so they know they're going to have to move onto the next woman for a little more sport fishing! Needless to say I walked away from the book with some new knowledge and I plan on applying it to get rid of the current boy who is wasting my time, as well as the next one who approaches me!

Ladies, I found this book to be so helpful and I really enjoyed reading it. Check it out for yourself!

Browse inside "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

Scaling the Heights of Absurdity

2009-04-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

For years I had a long-term and amazing booty call with the most ridiculous sized package ever... hence the reason I kept him around so long. No matter how long it had been since we last saw each other, once we made the phone call and met in person, it was on! We had this really great chemistry and a mutual attraction we shared with no one else. I definitely considered myself to be a lucky girl, not only was he a reliable booty call, but hot damn he had the tools and knew how to use them.

In the past two years he has been in a committed relationship, so him and I don't really see much each other. It's pretty much impossible for me to be around him and refrain from jumping his bones or being inappropriate, so I try to keep him out of sight when he is off limits. It obviously doesn't stop me from referring to his junk or telling my friends the wondrous stories of my time spent with it, but that is because I knew that the day would come when most of my newer friends would meet him and see the bulge in person. This is something I needed to prepare them for...

Every year I see him at the San Gennaro Italian festival as he is one of the organizers and sponsors of the event. The past two years my friends have had the pleasure of meeting him and it's always really funny when I point it out to them. You see, this guy wears baggy jeans, not super baggy but pretty damn loose fitting and I swear once you notice the bulging junk in his pants it's impossible to take your eyes off of it. IMPOSSIBLE.

So last year we're all hanging out eating some italian food and talking, obviously my eyes go right to the prize and I just can't stop staring. It's mind boggling to me how this thing can even fit in his pants but at the same time I can't understand it because his pants are LOOSE!?!? You can't help but stare and ponder the logistics of working with junk like that, I mean finding pants that even fit you in the midsection must be a son of a bitch!

Of course after I see and stare at it, I have to look over at one of my friends and say "You know what I told you about the junk, right?" and then give them the nod to take a look at the boy. I kid you not, peoples eyes start to bug out of their head and then they are stuck staring at it. It's like watching a trainwreck, or talking to someone with a really gnarly mole on their face, no matter what you do you cannot stop staring at it! It's hugely distracting and as soon as I pointed it out to my friends I watched as all of them saw it and then attempted to NOT look at it. It's actually impossible and I have since been advised to NEVER point it out again to anyone, and especially NOT to one of my friends who's boyfriend is sitting right next to her.

The entire day was filled with commentary about the "mountain of junk" or "the heaping pile of massive junk" along with question after question about HOW you could break out with dome on something that size? Or did it ever manage to rupture my spleen and poke a few kidneys when handling the business? Are there only certain angles you could work with? The questions were endless and I can understand why! I too had these same questions and fears at first, now I'm just used to it and you just know how to work with it. One of my friends was absolutely terrified and worried that her man would catch her scoping it out. I told her then DON'T look but it really was impossible not to when this thing is trying to break out and stare you down from 6 feet away! I almost got punched in the face a few times because of it, but how could I not share and point it out? I mean it's not everyday you get to lay claim to the unicorn of junk, right?

Things like this really make me think I'm like a 13 year old boy trapped in a 30 year old girl's body. I mean, does anyone outside of Beavis and Butthead discuss this sort of thing and point it out to their friends?

Recession or Mancession?

2009-03-31T17:02:00.000-07:00

In the glorious days of the past, things just worked and with hardly any effort, if any was required. Back then, the important decisions I had to make in order for my world to keep turning were things like:

"Should I go tanning before or after I get my nails done??"

"Do I really need to wash my hair?"

"What should I drink tonight???"

That was pretty much all my pretty little head had to ponder in order for me to keep operating at skinny, pretty, and fabulous. I didn't waste time worrying about where I was going, who I was going with, and who was going to pay. I mean lets be honest, those things just worked themselves out...as they tend to do for young, hot, blondes! What can I say? We're always in demand and never go out of style.

When I was 19, I met Frankie, an Italian boy from NYC. Frankie was part owner in a modeling agency and his father owned a successful suit store back home. We would talk on the phone a few times a week and we would make plans to meet up. I would fly out to visit him in the city and he would either fly to LA and set us up in a suite at the Mondrian or we would just meet in Vegas for the weekend. He always took care of everything! If I invited friends out with us, Frankie paid for them too, like any man with the cash to spend should. It was all in good fun, no one had to put out... except me, and I was happy to do so! The truth was that I liked him! I liked the way he handled things, I liked going out and spending time with him, and most of all I enjoyed being treated like a ~~lady~~ princess! On my 21st birthday he sent me 21 DOZEN roses! It was crazy thoughtful and of course it made me feel special, but I'm starting to realize I was a little bit spoiled...

Back then, when I dated a guy, it was just known that he was going to pay. I NEVER offered a dime and no one ever asked or expected me to and come to think of it, my friends operated the same way. Now, I'm not some trashy, gold digging, bitch who uses men; sometimes I wish I could but the truth is that I pulled my own weight. I would always make it up to the person I was dating/who was taking me out in another way... and NOT the dirty way you broads are thinking! I would pay close attention to what they liked or wanted, and make mental notes of these things, yes ladies, that meant I actually LISTENED to them and wanted to make them feel special. So, if that meant calling every Nike store for the impossible to find/sold out neon yellow Air Maxx's in a size 12, that is what I did and you can be damn sure I was going to get it for them.

This year I am entering into the "dirty 30's" and yes, I might be 10 years older and about 10 lbs heavier, but WHAT THE FUCK has happened??? As some of you may know, The Ringleader and I have been dedicating one night per week for cock hunting, we have been going with out a purpose (other than to get wasted and reminisce about the glory days) and that purpose is strictly looking for men! CH season started at the beginning of March, so it's been about a month and we've definitely met some interesting characters...

The first guy was Harry, he was short, a bit on the grungy side and Harry all over his face... so not quite my type. The conversation was okay, he told me how he went to this great Mexican restaurant over near my work and I told him next time he's over there to check out this other Mexican place. Friendly advice, right?

Well, instead of an "I'd love to take you there" or "Thanks for the great suggestion " this dude's response was "When are you going to be taking me there?" AS IF! Obviously I said "I'm NOT." I mean WTF? How is it that this guy who I'm only talking to because he was sharing a community table/sitting right next to us and there were no better options at the time, has the balls to say THIS shit??? WHO ARE THESE IDIOTS? I mean, in his defense... maybe he was on drugs, he definitely looked like the type to be in a band and take drugs.

Cut to last weekend, I was out with The Ringleader for a birthday party Downtown. Sipping a cocktail while looking pretty and waiting for anything to happen... Actually ANYTHING BUT the woodchopper that appeared! After a few attempts at pawning him off on someone else (Sorry Ringleader) I almost admired his persistence to stick around and keep on chopping. Hence the name, woodchopper; that is the fucking guy who doesn't take no for an answer and thinks it only a matter of time before you realize how fucking awesome he is...or get drunk enough not to care. He just keeps chopping at that tree until it comes down! So, after his "I wanna see who you are texting" followed by "Please give me your number." I laid it down "No, you don't need to see what I'm doing on MY phone and besides, why should I give you MY number?" He responded, and this my friends is a real gem " You can take ME out."

Okay so, let's recap shall we? Now I've got 2 guys who I have absoFUCKINGlutely NO interest in! I don't even think I would waste a night out on either of them, and they are asking ME if I'm going to take them out????

Are times really that tough for some of these dudes??? Are they hurting for cash??? Or just cheap??? Have the times just REALLY changed THAT MUCH???

I would throw in the SHAMMY, but I ain't no quitter...

Oh well, at least the tales of the FAIL are entertaining, no?

The Grilled Cheese Party

2009-03-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I make a MEAN grilled cheese sandwich. It's so delicious and wonderful that I have decided to enter it into the Los Angeles Grilled Cheese Invitational competition. I tried to enter the competition last year, but the event turned out to be a HUGE deal in LA and it literally sold out for admission as well as competitors. This year I got on their mailing list and come Thursday April 2, my winning sandwich and myself will be entered as official competitors.

Because I make so many variations of this bomb ass sandwich, I needed a little help determining which sandwich of mine to enter into the competition. Obviously if I'm going to enter any competition, I'm only really entering to win. I don't attempt anything unless I know I'm going to be the best at it, that's just how it is. I hate losing and I hate being wrong and more than that I HATE admitting defeat.

This past Saturday, we had a mini grilled cheese invitational at my girl ShamWow's house which is also known as "the black hole..." because it's one of those places that you just get sucked into and can never leave. We had about 20 people come to sample 3 of my most popular grilled cheese sandwiches that qualified under the "Spoons" category (the category I am entering) of the Grilled Cheese Invitational. Basically that category is any type of cheese, any type of bread, and any type of spread you like.

Little did we know that said mini grilled cheese invitational would carry on into Sunday afternoon. You see, we sampled everything on Saturday and decided what I would enter, then on Sunday we decided to make modifications and start adding everything including the kitchen sink to the sandwiches. This got to be a disgusting, gluttonous, and glorious affair that is STILL giving my stomach problems the following day. We did things like add slow roasted pulled pork, green chili's, ranch flavored cream cheese, ranch dressing, etc. Pretty much anything and everything we had in the house got added to the sandwiches. I must have gained at least 8 pounds over the course of 2 days and it willbe worth it when I win the competition!

The 8.5 pounds of assorted cheese I bought for the party. Wish I had a pic of the who knows how many pounds of salted butter I bought for said sandwiches - it's pretty disgusting...

Four of my famous grilled cheese sandwiches and their secret ingredient which I cannot divulge until after the competition is over.

And this would be me holding up a most glorious sandwich that I won't be entering into the competition but I will clue you in on what's in it: a mexican blend of cheese, provolone and cheddar cheese, ShamWow's moms famous potato salad, slow roasted pulled pork, and my secret ingredient. It was delicious!

Now that I have my sandwich all ready to be entered and I have my team name which is The Mean Girls (DUH)! We're even ordering custom made aprons that say "The Mean Girls" and "If you like it...put a ring on it!" Aside from that, and I really need to read the rules on this one, but if we're allowed to grill these suckers up while wearing just bikini's and our apron, then that will for sure be FTW. If not we'll wear some cute booty shorts and tank tops and probably still get a bunch of attention! All that is left to do is name my sandwich. I looked at sandwich names from past winners and my favorite one so far was "Cheesus Christ" - whomever thought of that name is simply awesome!

At this point I am naming the sandwich "Put a ring on it." Because once any guy eats this sandwich...he is going to want to put a ring on it! Not to mention, when I win this contest and get my trophy, what guy is NOT going to want to put a ring on it?? I mean seriously, boys would you not marry a girl who won a grilled cheese competition??

Does The Mean Girl Stiletto Fit ShamWOW??

2009-03-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

After a 7 year relationship with Richard aka "DICK," who I evaluated and he turned out to be an un-diagnosed bi-polar. I decided to end things because aside from that, he was a fucking loser type of guy. Although that relationship ended in July, I keep wondering... WHY ME??

There was a day when I would devote every minute of the day to myself, where I was going, who I was going with, and what I was going to wear. It was during this time that I still managed to only land LOSERS?

Young, hot, skinny.... and still only dated all the losers/drug dealers/douche bags???

Over the years, I've determined that there is something WAY worse than dating a loser:
Seeing these LOSERS years later on TV!! Wait... These losers actually made something of themselves? And I'm nowhere in sight???? Here are my top 3 "losers..." that apparently aren't losers anymore.

1. John-Robert Bellande:

Aka Bobby DoucheBAG, he was my 30-year-old virgin and I was about 20 at the time. Bobby DB was tall, handsome, and owned 'Sky Sushi' in Hollywood. One night, we end up at his apartment, we put our suits on, head up to the roof, and hop in a hot, steamy jacuzzi while looking up at the stars... for a minute. Obviously we're making out. After probably an hour of this, he reveals that he is a virgin and is waiting till marriage???? WTF? You might think that is sweet or even cute. I thought.... Booooooorrrrrriiiiingggggg.......

Now he is a professional poker player and since my brother is a poker WHORE, I see him all the time!! It was bad enough that it was a waste of a night in my 20's but now I gotta see him on TV, playing for millions of dollars?????? As if THAT wasn't bad enough, virgin boy goes on Survivor!I mean true losers can't always win, so thank GOD he lost... But this virgin doesn't go down without a fight! Right now, he's pitching a show that is called "How to be broke, but live like a millionaire" Of course, why wouldn't I want to see this pansy on ANOTHER fucking TV show??

2. DJAM aka DJ FatBoy: "Hey Mr. DJ put a record on... " Okay, I met this FAT DJ at a club, he was all over my shit. We would talk for hours, IM all day long and I was getting regular offers from him like "I want you to come live with me." Now, I am a girl that doesn't discriminate: skinny/fat/old/young... AS LONG AS IT WORKS!!! We would hang out at his apartment and FYI the family room wall looked like a wall of shoes at Footlocker. So, the night we finally "do it"... I would go into detail, but there was not much to talk about. OUCH, actually... not ouch! Cut to a couple of weeks later and he gets the fat surgery and I still visit him...but apparently I'm not the only one!

Not even a couple months after our "little" incident and he moves into a million plus dollar house, he's dating Nicole Bitchie, and I have to see his skinny ass on all the fucking mags? I mean, huh?? Wait, then next it's Mandy Whore! I think it was during that time that I saved money weekly because I would refuse to buy a maggy if his mug was on it! Okay, then he got in the plane crash with Travis Barker and almost died and had major burns all over his body, yeah I felt a little bad, but lets be honest.. he probably had some extra skin after losing the 100 pounds plus from the fat surgery??? And yes, I know I'm an asshole and maybe even a bitter Betty but WTF? You wouldn't be??

3. I wasn't even 21 and trying to get into a bar in Santa Monica with my girlfriend, there was some private party and it was list ONLY! So, we see these 2 guys, one from New York who was tall, cute, and kinda dorky. His name was Vince. He decided we are going to sneak into the service elevator and we play the part that he is some "director/producer" schmoozing with all these other movie people. I really didn't care, I mean it was open bar and we could get bombed for free.?? Tell whatever stories you want Vinny! Next thing you know, we're on a "double-date" with our new friends and head back to their place. We get there and it's a ONE bedroom! Two dudes, ONE bedroom?!? I was drunk so I still made out with him. When I woke up in the morning, I couldn't leave fast enough, WHAT LOSERS!!!!! So, I get home and I realized I left my cell phone at his SHITHOLE. I had to call and set up a date/location/time to get my shit back. I picked it up, and that was it...

NOW I'm watching a TV show and one of those ANNOYING infomercials comes on, and there he is... He is Mr. SHAMWOW/Vince Offer. Mr I'll sell my mom's pussy for $9.99 if you call now... I laughed and kept this little secret for a few months, but had to share the glory with my friends and family. As of the last few months he is selling the "Slap Chop" and " I squeeze" so now I see this douche on TV... ALL THE TIME!!

And in case you hadn't already guessed, that would be how I earned the nickname ShamWow...

So ladies, when you think "what a loser!" Just know that it could be worse... you could see that "loser" make something of himself and have it thrown in front of your face through all media outlets!!!

So bitches, it's official... THE STILETTO DOES FIT..... and this BITCH is ready to walk into BIGGER and BETTER things!!

Making Time for Everyone

2009-03-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

There used to be a time when I ~~could~~ would say yes to every party, invitation, or get together. If it meant I had to drive 60 miles round trip to a birthday dinner at a place I had no interest in eating at AND drop $75 on dinner, I did it. The truth is, I didn't want to miss out on anything and I wanted to be there for my friends for whatever special occasion it was. These days, I'm just unable to continue schlepping around LA to every function, it's just not possible! One thing I have managed to do, is to find ways to make time for everyone...OUTSIDE of Facebook, e-mail, and IM.

I'm really lucky, I have TONS of really amazing friends who would go out of their way for me and be there whenever I need them. Since I realize that amazing friends are so hard to come by, I really try my best to make the rounds and make time for everyone but it is NO easy task to literally schedule everyone in! Especially considering the fact that I have exactly TWO days off on the weekend. Two days that I need to not only make appearances at birthdays or get togethers but also to do things like laundry, service my car, grocery shopping, etc. It's difficult but you need to make an effort in order to preserve and nurture the relationships that are important to you. You just find a way to work through yours and your friends busy schedules and set a date to hang out, even if that date is a month or more away, you just work with it if you really want to spend time with them.

Which brings me to my next point, if you really want to do something or make something happen, you will find a way to make it work. This is probably the most difficult thing but just like when a boy wants to see you...he WILL find a way to see you! The same thing goes for your friends. If every time you invite a friend somewhere and they come back with the same excuses why they cannot be there time and time again, then you're really just not worth their time and effort, plain and simple. Obviously, if they are willing to reschedule or try to make plans another time to see you then you can assume they want to see you but legitimately cannot be there.

So what do you do when you finally realize that you're the one making most of the effort? What if you are the one who is constantly making yourself available to meet them on their terms, in their neighborhood, or at something they choose? Do you say something to them because maybe they just never realized that's how it is? That's where it seems to get tricky...I can think of a number of people who only really invite me to things that either they want to do and have no one else to go with or things that just seem to work for them. The problem is that most of the time I end up being the one to meet them and do what it is they want to do, because I enjoy hanging out with them and because I'm always down for a good time. Lately, I'm starting to realize that some of my friends are just being incredibly selfish and self-absorbed.

Without a doubt I realize that money is tight for everyone. I also realize that everyone has priorities when it comes to their hard earned money! Personally, I would rather spend my money going to lunch/dinner catching up with my friends than I would blowing my paycheck on new shoes or out drinking on a random night with Lilo (who I see all the time), but that is just me. It's hard to believe you're a priority when you see and hear about your friends doing all these things which no doubt cost them money, when they can't spare $10 and one hour to meet for lunch.

For example, friends like my girl Cassie are ALWAYS willing to meet me for a hike in Runyon Canyon and a $8 lunch catching up at California Chicken Cafe.I think out of all of my friends, Cassie and Posh Wife are the two that REALLY try the hardest to get everyone together and always consider the fact that not everyone has the money to spend out on the town, so they come up with simple things like for us to spend an evening at home together watching Gossip Girl. We ALL have busy schedules and we are ALL guilty of losing track of how long it has been since we sat down and hung out face to face. In fact, Cassie informed me that it had been well over a month since we last hung out. I didn't even realize it but when she pointed it out I made it a point to schedule time with her the last two Thursdays and this week as well. The last thing I want to do is neglect my friends.

I know that I am guilty of flaking out on my friends every now and again when a better option comes up, but it rarely happens. I am guilty of losing track of time and even being caught up in myself, my woes about boys, new friends, and my weekend plans. Sometimes I don't realize it, but I always make it a point to check-in with everyone and make the effort to get some face time in with my peeps. I mean who knows how long my schedule is going to be so impossible for? And if that happens, who is really going to want to make the effort to see me when I have absolutely nothing going on?

How do you all manage to make time for everyone?

Go On Brush Your Shoulders Off

2009-03-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have written about The Bazaar before. Pretty much every major publication in the US has been writing about The Bazaar and the GLORIOUS food created by the hottest chef of the moment Chef José Andrés . The LA Times gave The Bazaar the first FOUR STAR review it has given ANY restaurant since 2005, the night the LA Times writes about in their review was the very first time I went to the Bazaar and blogged about Flo-Rida and P. Diddy, etc being there. Last night was my 4th time dining there and without a doubt one of the most unforgettable visits.

I am that girl that knows where you should eat, what to order, where to be seated, who should serve you, and the girl that can get reservations at the most impossible and impressive restaurants. I pride myself on this. Food is what I do, it's what I know, it's what I love. Making a name for yourself in a town full of people who think they are important is not an easy task and I FINALLY have crossed the threshold into V.I.P. territory at The Bazaar. After 3 visits that were amazing and wonderful, yet lacking the VIP amenities such as the offer of the famous "Dragon's Breath" - they now know my name and know that I mean business.

As soon as the Manager saw me last night, he said "Welcome back Ringleader, we're so happy to have one of our regulars back for dinner this evening." I replied "I'm SO HAPPY you finally KNOW ME over here! I mean I'm here every week.." I kid you not, the manager then HIGH FIVED ME! I request a specific dining room EACH TIME I dine there and so far they have NEVER honored my request but NOT last night! Last night they took my party to the famous Rojo Room and our table was the first table right in front of the open air kitchen. In my opinion, the best seat in the house, which also happened to be sitting next to Bobby Flay and right in front of famous Top Chef contestants at work in the kitchen. I also fell in love with Chef Ruben Garcia who I plan to stalk myself into a relationship with...

We drank and dined like the champion eaters we are. My favorite server even came by the table to chat with us and thank me for sending a group of people to dine with her on Wednesday night, said server also knew me by name and knows that I am referring business her way. The night was going famously, I even managed to snap a picture with the head chef and told him how much I am in love with The Bazaar. Things couldn't have been going any better!

At this point, we found out that Fox 11 news was going to film a live segment about the restaurant, we also saw them pulling out the cart and supplies needed to make the Dragon's Breath special menu item which is reserved for celebs, VIP's, and news stories. I just KNEW I had to make the move and get us some Dragon's Breath, after all that is the only thing left to conquer at the Bazaar and this was my night.

I called my new husband Ruben over to our table and proceeded to ask him if he is the one that makes the Dragon's Breath, because I NEED to have it. Oh and because he's hot and I wanted to introduce myself. He straight up looked me in the eye and said "You want the Dragon's Breath? I will make it for you." He then looked around the table and said "All of you want to try it?" And that was that, WE WERE GETTING IT! We have officially arrived bitches!! He then tells us he has to go film the segment for the news and will make it for us when they are done shooting. I basically creme in my panties and text/email/facebook everyone I know to let them know that I have in fact, won. Now all that is left for me to do is go to the moon and I can die happy.

They tape the segment and when Chef Andres gets to the Dragon's Breath, he tells the stupid Anchorwoman broad Jane Yamamoto how to eat it. "Chew, chew, SWALLOW" and watch the smoke come out of your nose. Well this stupid idiot managed to friggin choke and the chef was NOT pleased. After the camera's stopped rolling he said "That was THE LAST TIME I'm going to make the Dragon's breath, I'm DONE!"

WTF? He must be kidding. I know the dragon's breath is a spectacle and he must hate that EVERYONE asks for it once they see someone else having it. But, I mean, I got promised the dragon's breath! I hope my hot husband Ruben will still make it??? So we wait around for about 10 more minutes and the Maitre D comes to our table and says:

"I apologize, I know Ruben said he would make the dragon's breath for you, and he really wants to make it but the Chef was not happy with what happened on camera. He said he is never making it again. I know you really wanted it but it's just not going to happen tonight, he won't even let Ruben make it. I know you are regulars here and please ask for me by name. Next time you come I will beg Chef Andres to please make it for you. I'm so sorry."

Needless to say my hopes and dreams came crashing down and the bottom of my soul hurt just a tad. I was so excited to FINALLY try it and now, I'm not. Oh well, I got over it and before we left, ShamWow and I stopped off at the kitchen to say goodbye to Chef Ruben Hottness, he came out and apologized again and told us to come back and see him, he said maybe next time he can do it and I just know there is NO WAY in hell he is going to forget us!

Below is the video from Fox 11 News that they shot last night. At the 2:37 mark the camera is all over our table. We're the 4 girls and one bald guy at the right side of table, I'm wearing a black dress and texting away on my Blackberry, like always. This restaurant is the SHIT! Tell me that you don't get hungry looking at all that glorious food??

View the video direct from Fox News Website.

Me and Chef José Andrés FTW

Someone Is About to Change Their Facebook Status

2009-03-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

To...In a relationship!!! And it's NOT me or Stiletto's my friends, it would be our very own Lilo! The same Lilo who has never technically been 'in a relationship' where you do things like go out in public, you know around and in front of other people and refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. I know what you're thinking, "WTF? Since when is Lilo even dating anybody?" Followed by "I just hope it's NOT the Random!" Well good news kiddies, it is NOT the Random!

Currently, there is a strictly enforced gag order on Lilo...and not in a choke me, spank me, pull my hair sort of way! Lilo has been gagged by her new boyfriend (ha! BOYFRIEND!) from blogging about him whatsoever. You see, new boyfriend has done his research on Lilo and that research included reading the entire blog. And while he found the blog to be incredibly entertaining and hilarious, he does not wish to become a character that we mock and talk about on the internets and Lilo is respecting his wishes.

Good thing I haven't been gagged! Ha ha! No but really, I'm going to refrain from blogging about him as well, except for today and that will be in the most general of ways. I mean otherwise people would just assume Lilo gave up sex and dome altogether, and now you know that is NOT the case! She is just going to refrain from discussing it, since someone has made an honest woman out of her and that is what LADIES do, they don't discuss these sort of things publicly. So with that, she is kissing her street cred goodbye and waving hello to legitimate human being status.

With that I would like to point out that this kid might be some sort of saint. Not only is he a really nice guy that a number of people would vouch for, but he's totally willing to put up with Lilo and he doesn't even consider it 'putting up with Lilo'. He's seen her in all her drunk, belligerent, pointing and snapping GLORY and has yet to even flinch like he's embarrassed or ashamed! In fact, he somehow totally gets her moods and is there to rub her shoulders and talk her down off of the ledge when she finds herself there. He also happens to LISTEN to things she says and generally has taken an interest in her life, and he REMEMBERS the things she tells him, which is really great because then she doesn't have to repeat herself again and again. She really hates repeating herself. He has woken up next to her and experienced her morning death glare first hand and he did not spontaneously combust. He also knows that her hair needs to "settle down" on it's own in the morning, and lets her know that he knows that when she wakes up looking a hot mess.

The last thing that probably sealed the deal for Lilo was this: He stocked the fridge with a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi. He also didn't even MENTION that he stocked the fridge with Diet Pepsi. What had happened was, I went to get a beer from the fridge and saw said 12 pack and of course mentioned it's existence to everyone. Neither him nor anyone else in his house even drink diet soda, he bought it so that Lilo would stay over and generally be tolerable in the morning. As you know Diet Pepsi is essential for Lilo's survival, as well as your being able to survive HER.

It looks like I have lost a soldier in my weekly cockhunting missions, but I couldn't be more happy to know that someone is making Lilo so totally "for the gays" and that she is not fake smiling! He like totally really likes her likes her.

When Trying to Decode Boys Leads to Disaster

2009-03-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

After my date with Jason a few weeks ago, things have been anything but clear as to WTF is going on. We had a really great time, he made plans to hang out with me just two days after we went out, and then I never heard from him. I was seriously racking my brain, my friends brains, and anyone who would listen and possibly offer me some advice on the situation. I decided that if I did not hear from him by last Wednesday (5 days after our date and 3 days after we didn't hang out and I didn't hear from him) that I was going to call him.

Being the great listener that I am, I remembered he was having minor surgery on Thursday and I thought it would be nice to call and wish him luck, as well as try to feel him out on our situation. I also figured I would ask him whether he was going to Slap Chop's birthday (ShamWow's brother) on Saturday night, since I could potentially see him there and didn't want to be surprised.

I called him on my lunch break and surprisingly he answered the phone. He mentioned that he has been really busy working 13 and 14 hour days, but that he was really glad I called him. We talked about his surgery, he was surprised that I remembered and thought that was really sweet. +1 for me, right? He told me that aside from work in the morning, he was not busy at all on Saturday and said to tell ShamWow and Slap Chop that he would definitely be there for the birthday. He said he probably wouldn't do dinner but would most def join us back at the house for drinks and jacuzzi time. I told him I had to go back into the office and he said "I'll call you tomorrow after my surgery, if I'm feeling OK; otherwise I will FOR SURE call you on Friday and see you Saturday."

Thursday came and went. No phone call, e-mail, or FB contact made by him. Same story on Friday. Obviously on Saturday, I get the feeling he is going to flake and I run this by Lilo to let her know that sloppy joe will be joining us on Saturday night if he does in fact, flake. It's very important that Lilo knows these things in advance as she needs to prepare to deal with me and deal with others on dealing with me when my wheels come off. It's no easy task and I know Lilo speaks drunk better than anybody I know.

Saturday night we went to dinner where I drank two bottles of sake and some beer. I followed that up with a mystery drink at TGIFridays before heading over to the black hole, Slap Chop and ShamWow's house. At the black hole, I consumed who knows how many glasses of trashcan punch (which is basically a super strength Vodka Greyhound) and chilled out in the jacuzzi while answering questions about Jason's whereabouts. Slap Chop is a glorious AH just like Lilo and I and likes to push buttons when it comes to boys and things that absolutely embarrass us. So it was much appreciated when he asked 50 times "If I heard from Jason" as well as suggesting "I think we should call him. Have you called him yet? Let's call him."

Because calling Jason when I'm wasted in the jacuzzi is a great idea, no? Well thankfully I had half a brain and instead talked ShamWow into calling him, which she did and was sent to voicemail where she did not leave a message. Then, because I obviously wasn't satisfied with not hearing from Jason, Slap Chop talked me into letting him use my phone to call Jason himself, and that call went to voicemail as well, although Slap Chop left him a message wondering where he is and if he's coming over to partake in the mess that was this party.

Blah blah blah, drink bitch drink, the Ringleader runs to the bathroom and voms, repeatedly. Then lays out on the living room floor and waves the white flag while professing her hatred for Lilo (or so I hear). Lilo sees white flag but realizes that said waving of white flag is a trap of epic proportions and knows that the abuse will begin shortly. She inflated the airbed in the dining room next to the side door, throws some sheets, pillows and blankets on there and directs me lay there all while I am cursing obscenities at her, and she is most likely agreeing with me because she speaks drunk. She brings me a glass of water, I take a sip, lie down, only to get up walk out the side door and vom some more. Eventually I pass out but not before telling myself to remember that I hate Lilo and this is all her fault.

I woke up the next morning and had no idea where I was (the dining room area is not familiar to me) but then I looked over and saw Uncle Skid asleep on the couch in the other room and realized that I was still in the black hole, it sucks you in what can I say? I also remember that I hate Lilo and she is to blame, but don't know why?? Needless to say, I was a wasted drunken disaster and heard from a number of people that they have never seen me get that drunk before. The truth is, I really try to keep the wheels on somewhat and try not to subject people to my tirades other than Lilo, who understands and subjects me to the similiar ones.

As the rest of the weekend went on, we found out that one of Jason's friends committed suicide on Sunday and he was really upset about it. Well, I don't mean to be a dick BUT is that any excuse for NOT calling or showing up on Saturday? Also, it's not like HE called or told me what had happened, ShamWow found out from his sister who had also flaked on Saturday night and did not call us. Pattern here?? Maybe. Either way I had not heard from him at all. Aside from all of that, I also know that he is having some personal/family problems because my friends have clued me in, not because he has told me. So I technically have excuses for him but not FROM him which I can't even mention or say I understand he has a lot going on, because he hasn't told me that he has ANYTHING going on. Confusing to say the least.

Last night at 9:30pm I get a FB message from Jason that says: "Hay whats up sorry I didn't make it sat I had a terrible weekend but lets get together soon..."

Ignoring the fact that he writes HAY (as in for horses) and his lack of punctuation; Where in this message is any reason or explaination of WHY he didn't make it? Why would I assume that he has been doing anything other than blowing me off? Because technically or as far as he knows, I don't know about any of these things that have been going on with him and the reasons he had a terrible weekend, aside from the fact that he didn't see me, of course.

So I'm asking you guys for your help. Do I shake him off because he's obviously just not that into me? Or should I respond to his FB message and hope he offers some sort of explaination? If so, how long should I wait to reply to him? Or should I not respond and wait to see if he initiates contact again?

Friday Night Date - Repeat Business

2009-03-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

Friday night was my date night with Jason, the tall boy I had mentioned last week in my blog about trying to date when you're a giant like myself. I figured I would wait until after our date to decide whether or not he was worth mentioning and before getting into detail about who he is/was, because who knows how things would go? As you may have guessed, Jason is a boy from my past, hence the title Repeat Business.

Long story short: My girl ShamWOW went to high school with Jason and introduced us when I was around 16/17. We "dated" which back then consisted of paging each other, talking on the phone, making out and meeting up at house parties to drink Cisco and a variety of premium 40oz malt liquor on the weekends. We had a lot of fun and eventually I gave it up, he was my first. Soon after, I started hanging with a different crowd of peeps I worked with and we lost touch. When I was around 19-20 we hooked up again for a series of late night booty calls and rendezvous in his jacuzzi aka the 'Tiki Tub' but nothing ever really evolved from it. We were both super busy with our lives, friends, and work and eventually we lost touch and I didn't hear from him or see him until we bumped into each other this year at ShamWOW's Superbowl party. It had been 10+ years since we last saw each other, we did some catching up at the party and before he left he got my number so we could go out soon and continue catching up.

We made the plan for Friday night and after much distress over what to wear I decided on this little number. A black low cut Rachel Pally dress and f*ck me boots. I looked like a bucket of tits you would want to motorboat and NOT just because I'm down 24 pounds on my diet but can I get a hells yeah for being down 24 pounds in 7 weeks?

He was in touch with me during the day and picked me up right on time. We went to a dive bar in the valley and he would not even let me pull out my wallet to pay for a single drink nor would he let me go to the bar when I needed a refill! It was a bonus since each time he got up to get me a refill, I was able to BBM all my friends and let them know the date was going really great. We spent 4 hours drinking and cuddled together in a booth talking about everything and anything that had been going on in the past 10 years. There was never a break in the conversation and NOT just because I don't ever shut the fuck up, he was actually doing most of the talking which was definitely different from the shy guy I knew before. It was awesome! To be honest, I didn't expect much from him and our date out, I thought it would be fun but I didn't think I would have as much fun as I did and I found myself getting kind of excited because of it.

The more we talked, the more we had in common. Everything from favorite foods, what morning radio show we listen to, the top 2 destinations we want to travel to most, to the type of dog he just got which happens to be my OMG FAVE dog aside from Spidey! We were both even in the same long term/living together relationships with significant others who didn't really have any friends, and not only that we both ended said relationships at the same time and jetted off to Vegas with our closest friends within weeks of the breakup. It was really easy to relate to one another about a number of things and I was really comfortable telling him things about my family and some of the more unfortunate things that happened which caused them to move to Colorado and it felt good to share.

As for the attraction and chemistry between us, it was definitely there, that hadn't changed. He was holding my hand or rubbing my leg while we were chatting and even kissed me a few times, it was really nice. Like I said, I didn't expect much from him and he really surprised me. It started getting late so we decided to head back to my place. On our walk to his car, he grabbed my hand and even walked me to the passenger side of the car and opened the door for me! I kept thinking WHO is this guy? I don't ever really remember him being this much of a gentleman, it was crazy but really refreshing and who am I kidding? I'm a girl and I loved it, seriously I was turning into a giant puddle of googly eyes and there wasn't much I could do to stop it.

Back at my place he got to meet the Gym Nazi who was waiting up for me to get home to reconvene about all details of the date. She totally loved him. He was really polite and chatted with her for a good 15 minutes before I started giving her looks that said 'time to go to bed Roomie!'

Obviously Jason and I got into a pretty gnarly makeout session and eventually that lead into the bedroom...and as much as I REALLY tried to NOT be a whore and have sex with him on the 1st date, I really didn't stand a chance at holding out! I mean the last time I had sex was in NOVEMBER with the Frenchie and besides, this was repeat business so I wasn't increasing my numbers, so why not? Although we have had sex before, it had been TEN YEARS since the last time and let me tell you something, in ten years we both had certainly learned a thing or two in the bedroom! It was REALLY GOOD, like way fucking better than I could have imagined! Familiar yet totally different and completely surprising. Immediately afterwards, he was asking what I was doing the remainder of the weekend and making plans to do something with me on Sunday!

He was also getting pretty comfortable in the tempurpedic, and since I can't verify that he is not accident prone, I basically said he couldn't stay. Well that and because I like the entire california king to myself, and he was housesitting/petsitting for a friend who's dog he needed to let out so he had to leave. Now this is where it gets TOTALLY corny and where I had to question multiple people to be sure he does NOT know about this blog or has heard anything about my previous posts. I walked him to the door, we kissed goodnight, and while we were hugging (which btw my head was totally buried in his chest because he is TALLER!) I said "You are so tall, God I love it!" And I shit you not he responded "Aight shawty, bye."

I was like WHAT? NO WAY!!! Remember last week when I said I wouldn't mind if someone referred to me as shawty but that has yet to happen??? How fucking coincidental is that?!?!

So basically, this kid gassed up my float for the hopes and dreams parade and in case you didn't know I'm the grand marshall this year.

Oh yeah, and I haven't heard from him since then. Sunday came and went and NO contact was initiated by him. I'm not making excuses for boys these days, I don't know what happened to him but I guess we'll see...

At least I got my mojo back and I am not all bummed out or anything, a bit disappointed but that is to be expected. I'm also actively going out with my single ladies each week trying to meet new boys and I just know my confidence level just keeps increasing with my weightloss and each new conquest!

Fee Fi Fo Fum - Dating When You're A Giant

2009-02-24T15:11:00.000-08:00

As if dating and finding a normal boy isn't hard enough, I am blessed/cursed with being taller than most boys which greatly limits my options. Now, I'm no amazonian beast by any means, I'm about 5"8 when I'm barefoot, but how often am I walking around barefoot? It's not like I wear sky high heels all the time either, a lot of the time I'm walking around in flip flops but I still manage to be at the same height or taller than most boys. Does this add to boys being intimidated by me? Possibly, but sometimes I think they would just rather date someone a little more petite, which sucks for me. One thing I will NEVER be considered is petite. Even when I was 110 pounds and could literally be snapped in two pieces, I'm at least 6 inches too tall to be considered petite.

Most of my life I have dated guys that were the same height and even a little bit shorter than I am, which hasn't really been an issue. I mean obviously when we hit the sheets, height doesn't matter, well except you know in one particular area, but that is a whole different subject! I just can't help but think how nice it would be to not tower over the guy I am dating! Or even how fab it would be to rock some stiletto's and STILL be shorter than someone! I would like to take a picture with a boy and not have to squat down or take my heels off so we don't look ridiculous in the photo. Most of my friends don't have this problem, they can go out and rock whatever shoes they want and still be an average height. In fact, they can rock stiletto's and guys will still holla at them with a line like "What's up shawty?" They can actually be somebody's shawty, shoot I wouldn't mind if someone referred to me as a shawty but, that has yet to happen.

Aside from being a more aesthetically pleasing couple when your man is taller than you, it's the little things that I feel like I miss out on by dating people my same height. Hugs for example, when a man embraces you, is there anything better than being able to bury yourself in his chest? How about when you slow dance with your man and are able to rest your head on his chest so you can hear and feel his heart beat? That sort of shit don't happen when you're the same size! Instead you go to hug your man and basically both of your armpits are at his shoulders while you're wrapping your arms around his neck. Sure you can look him right in the eye or be nose-to-nose when you do it, but what are you really holding onto? The alternative is to wrap your arms under his arms and around his back and then the both of you are resting your chin on each others shoulders. I dunno, it's just not nearly as sexy and you don't really feel as close as you do when you can bury yourself in his chest. Now that I think about it, guys would probably prefer to be shorter than a girl just so he can bury his head in her chest, but you don't really see it all that often.

I guess this is just another example of wanting what you can't/don't have. I think it's just so cute when I see a shawty on her tippee toes trying to give her man a kiss or when you see a boy giving his girl a nuggie or messing up her hair just cause she's shorter than him. As cute as it is, I usually end up thinking WTF! Why the hell are these super tall boys dating freakin midgets? I mean what is it with that? You see some 6"5 guy holding hands with his girlfriend who barely clears the 5 foot mark and I want to say to him/her FIND SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE! There are plenty of short boys to go around but I swear the tall ones are hard to come by! Yet, time and time again, the shortest girls I know manage to pull guys the size I dream of! I feel like whenever I meet a tall guy, I start thinking of how he's an immediate option for me and how we could breed basketball players and supermodels. Then right before I start considering what type of fine china to register for, some shawty in heels who is eye-level with his junk waltzes up and snatches him from beneath me! I mean what's wrong with getting on your knees for some dome? Now guys want girls to stand straight up to do it? I swear I wish there was affirmative action in place for dating!

In bonus news, I have a date on Friday! Well, I don't know if it's a date or what technical term we're dealing with...but I have plans to have drinks and hang out with a boy and it's just the two of us, so call it whatever you want. I'm actually pretty stoked, we have somewhat of a history with each other and he's TALL! I don't know how tall, but he is definitely past the 6 foot mark and I know that I don't own a pair of heels that will make me anywhere close to being his height! So on Friday, I'm going to rock 4 inch stilettos and I am going to look UP at him. Wish me luck!

What Are The Odds of This Happening?

2009-02-23T12:17:00.000-08:00

Last week, my Roomie/the Gym Nazi had to travel to Orlando to train a VIP client while he was away on business. When I refer to her as the hardest working trainer in LA, I mean it and now I can officially say she is bi-coastal and working on the title for the hardest working trainer in America. So last week off she went to Orlando, a place she had never been before where she knew NO ONE! Seeing how she has traveled with me before and knows how to work it, the Gym Nazi knew she needed to make friends with the concierge, gym staff, and anyone who would possibly want to go out with her in Orlando while she was there. Sure enough, everyone was way cool and the hotel concierge took her to Downtown Disney and the Magic Kingdom so she didn't have to roll solo.

Obviously the staff at the hotel gym knew her, it's hard not to. She spends 84,589 hours per week working out and let's just say my Roomie likes to talk. She is the type of broad that gets peoples first and last names, the names of their significant other, as well as a few stories about their upbringing and then relays the following info to me because she is in the know. Friday was her last day in Orlando and she obviously spent the day in the gym working out and chatting up the ladies who work there. From their talks, she found out that two of the girls are bloggers and spend a lot of time reading blogs when they are bored at work (kind of like me) so of course she says how her Roomie and 2 friends have a blog and it's really funny (she's easily impressed) and gives them this website...AND THEY FOLLOW THIS BLOG! I mean WHAT are the chances that ANYONE reads this blog, and what are the chances that my Roomie flies across the country, stays at a random hotel, makes friends with people that work at the gym, and those people blog and regularly comment on this blog??? And they even KNEW who the Gym Nazi was once she broke out with the blog! How totally random is that??

I obviously get a phone call Friday afternoon from my Roomie telling me that people read the blog in Orlando and she is sitting with Little Woman right now. She then asks if I know her and I was so confused with what she was saying but was like yes I know who that blogger is and yes she does comment on our posts, but I really couldn't even grasp how the blog world and the real world collide!

Such a SMALL WORLD!

Sometimes You Just Have to Do It

2009-02-18T11:52:00.000-08:00

Ever since my bridesmaid duties ended in July, I have been on a destructive eating mission. I don't know what happened, but since I no longer needed to worry about fitting into a bridesmaid dress (that was ordered nine months prior) I decided to straight up let myself go. It wasn't even a gradual thing either, in fact the best way to describe what I was doing would be sport or competitive eating. However, I wasn't competing with anyone. You know how Nathan's Hot Dogs on Coney Island has their annual hot dog eating contest? That's basically what I was doing except I didn't limit myself to just hot dogs. The past 7 or so months were spend demolishing everything and anything in my path or even out of the way, because I felt it necessary to make special trips to places 25 miles away for things like cheese bread and a philly cheese steak sandwich from that one place. It seemed like everyday I was on a quest to be uncomfortably full, because if I wasn't in a food coma then I hadn't eaten enough.

I think I knew in my head that I just didn't want to exercise or diet at the time. I also knew that I was packing on the pounds but really didn't care to do anything about it. My friends would make suggestions about going to eat a healthy dinner and even going hiking or doing some form of exercise and it was NOT anything I was interested in. It wasn't until my clothing options were so severely limited that I decided to make a change rather than go out and buy new clothes and accept this new size as my size.

Five weeks ago, I went to a weight loss center and met with a bariatric doctor. I hadn't been on a scale in probably over a year, and let me tell you that first step on the scale in a year was enough for me to wire my mouth shut and STOP eating. Even with all I was eating, I NEVER thought there was a possibility that I could weigh what I weighed. I was considered clinically obese and over the maximum weight for my height by about 35 pounds. It was awful and it was reason enough for me to get back on track with a new FitMess™ program. The new program is obviously a low calorie diet, moderate exercise, and I've been getting B12 shots and lipotropic shots in the ass once a week. I HATE needles but the shots give me energy and generally make me feel better than I have felt in quite some time.

I was depressed for the first week or so of the new program. Each day was spent mourning the loss of my constant companions, FOOD and ALCOHOL. I couldn't have been more miserable considering the fact that I have no vacations planned to look forward to, no love interest, and I can't regularly enjoy the TWO things I enjoy most FOOD and ALCOHOL. Oh ya and I needed to limit my 420 intake because that leads to munchies and the need to put away chips and guacamole in unlimited quantities. The degree of self loathing was at an all time high and I put myself there so who could I really complain to? I think the phrases I repeated most to myself over the first week were: "I hate myself" and "fuck me/fuck my life." Needless to say, the past 5 weeks have been INCREDIBLY difficult for me. Most of the time I don't feel like myself and I find myself suppressing my general excitement about ~~food~~ life. The worst part is that I can't even really turn to booze when I'm pissed off, because now I'm worried about the calorie content. Seriously, somebody fucking punch me for saying that. Fuck me and fuck my somewhat booze less life because it's so pointless sans food and alcohol!

Anyways, I'm back in the gym and working out and I've been really serious about sticking to my diet with the exception of a few cheat days for things like the Superbowl and a few fabulous dinners. In total, I have lost 18 pounds in 5 weeks, which is pretty goddamn amazing and exactly the sort of results I needed to see in order to stay motivated ! I'm even starting to fit into some of my jeans that I couldn't even button up a few months ago. I guess part of me is starting to appreciate food, wine, and fabulous dinners even more than before when I would eat them regularly. The other part of me hates myself for saying something the Hardest Working Trainer in LA/My Roomie would say.

As thrilled as I am with the weight loss success I have had so far, I still have so much farther to go. My goal right now is to lose 51 pounds by July. While that is A LOT of weight, it would really only mean that I would be returning to the weight I was at 3 years ago, and honestly I wasn't happy at that weight either but at least it was a healthy weight. I am pretty impressed that in only 5 weeks I am almost half-way to my goal, I'm doing far better than I had anticipated and I feel like my goal weight is more of a possibility than it has been in years. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the plateaus and the weeks where I don't lose any weight because it's bound to happen, but hopefully I won't lose sight of my goals.

In the end it's all about a lifestyle change and while I'm trying to do that, I just wonder if it's possible to do so without getting bored. I wish I could ENJOY working out and eating healthy but I just don't know that I ever will. I'm so much an all or nothing kind of girl which can be a detriment to my progress.

The Hottest Restaurant in LA

2009-02-09T11:14:00.000-08:00

The past two weeks have been a disgusting blur of restaurants and dinners. It was Dine LA and there were amazing restaurants participating in the Dine LA program (special prix fixe menus and pricing) so we figured lets try a bunch of new places and re-visit some old favorites. One of the top places on our list was to try José Andrés new restaurant The Bazaar in the newly remodeled SLS Hotel (For those who watch "The Hills" Sam Nazarian/Brent Bolthouse new hotel). The Bazaar opened in December and has been all the rage. It's the whole small plates/tapas concept and I have to say it was one of the best meals of my life!

Friday night we had reservations at 9:30pm, it was Lilo, My Roomie/Gym Nazi, Skipper, and myself. We got there early to check out the scene and have some drinks at their Bar Centro. It was quite a scene! Tons of good looking people that think they are uber important, girls teetering around trying to walk in 6 inch YSL tribute shoes, and a valet line filled with Bentleys and Rolls Royce. So basically we totally fit in drinking our passion fruit martini's and carrying our famous handbags...

After a few drinks, we decide to make our way over to the restaurant because we are ready to be seated. As we're standing at the podium I see a flash of white fur and blond hair enter the door and think to myself "That has to be Paris..." I've run into Paris Hilton quite a bit in LA and there is just something about her that catches your eye when she enters a room. I don't know if it's her glowing dewey complexion or her bright blond hair but whatever it is, no one else has it and you just know when she's in your presence. Sure enough it was Paris, Nicky, and David Katzenberg, so I make eyes at my Roomie and Lilo so they realize it's Paris who has decided to stand at the podium, right in front of us, and whip out her compact and start applying more lipgloss. Soon, Paris & Co are whisked away to their table in the blanco room and as they walk away someone says "Wow, someone is REALLY trying hard to look just like Paris Hilton." To that I respond with "That was Paris Hilton. When you see her in person she looks like a cartoon character of herself, you just don't believe that it is really her, but it definitely is."

We are then escorted to our table in the Rojo room which is the more happening of the 2 rooms. We sit down and see an entire entourage of what looks like rappers sitting right next to us. As we're trying to determine who it is, a groupie train of girls makes their way over to the table proclaiming their love for Flo Rida. Turns out it was Flo Rida, Rick Ross, Yung Joc, and some other dudes we don't know. They were having a blast and getting all sorts of attention, at one point Chef José Andrés comes over and makes them a special dessert called "Dragon's Breath" right at the table and it was SO COOL. It was mini caramel popcorn cubes cooked in liquid nitrogen and as you chew the popcorn, smoke comes out your nose and mouth. It was the funniest thing to see all these thugs throwing down popcorn cubes while blowing O's with the smoke. At one point I swore it was a blunt being passed around but that was not the case. About 30 minutes later P. Diddy and his whole entourage rolled up to the SLS and they were escorted to a more private area to dine where the curtains could be pulled around their table and no one could see in. ** Newsflash Diddy ** there are celebs EVERYWHERE in LA and when they don't want to be seen THEY DON'T GO OUT.

We ordered a pitcher of freshly made sangria and I thought it was to die for! Our food came out in different rounds, I don't know how they decided what to bring out with what but each dish was increasingly more glorious than the one before it. The best I can explain it was that I was on a culinary journey and experiencing the best things that Spain has to offer. It was inspiring and the tastes were so different than anything I had ever experienced with the same ingredients. The crazy thing is how I think I am such a foodie and have tried so many great foods and then a restaurant like this comes along and shows me that I know nothing and have barely scraped the surface when it comes to food. The food was SO GOOD that Lilo, Skipper, and I tried to make reservations yesterday for a table at 6pm (right when they opened) so that we could try everything again since we just can't believe it was THAT GOOD! Unfortunately, there was a private party/Grammy afterparty and although we weren't able to get in last night, we will definitely be going back this weekend for round 2 of The Bazaar.

Below are some of the foods we LOVED and pics of them.

The most delicious Philly cheesesteak ever invented: barely seared kobe beef steak on a puffed bread stuffed with cheese. This little puff of glory was so good I got goosebumps and once the Skipper took a bite he started laughing hysterically. We wondered what was so funny and he told us that it was so good he was sure that his tastebuds were joking around with him. I couldn't agree more - I could easily sit down and throw about 10 of these down and still want more.

Jamón Ibérico de bellota: This is the finest cured free range ham in the world. When I was asking the sommelier what he thought was the best jamón on the menu, he first asked me if I liked proscuitto. I don't just like proscuitto, I LOVE proscuitto! He told me that I will never want to eat proscuitto again after I try their jamón ibérico de bellota. He was totally right...this jamon came sliced think like proscuitto and had this glorious velvety texture. It was simply amazing. Served with some crusty bread topped with tomatoes and olive oil. I am in love.

King crab with raspberry vinegar: I don't even know what to make of this. The crab was so ridiculously fresh and meaty and I couldn't even taste the raspberry. Apparently the raspberry vinegar brings out the flavor and taste of the crab and for reals, that is all I tasted. It was so perfect I wanted to build a white picket fence around it and call it home. Look ma! I am living the American Dream!

"Croquetas" chicken and béchamel fritters: I actually bypassed these croquetas on the menu, didn't think twice about ordering them. Thankfully, Skipper is smarter than I am and ordered them. The best way I could describe these things would be to call them nugs of glory. They were so lightly fried and when you attempted to cut one open with your fork, it sort of popped open to reveal a cheesy, saucey, chickeny inside. The flavors were so intense and so different from anything I have tried before. I'm definitely going to order at least 6 of these next time I go back.

Mozzarella-tomato pipettes & Shrimp Cocktail: Apparently the chef Jose Andres likes using these pipette things to hold cocktail sauce and liquid mozzarella. The shrimp cocktail in pipette was ingenious. The tip of the injector was used to skewer the shrimp. You put the shrimp in your mouth, squeeze, and cocktail sauce shoots in. So even for those like myself who prefer not to swallow, this was fun! The sauce basically busts in your mouth and I found it to be a really fun novelty.

When Your Past Life Stalks You

2009-01-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

The beginning of my adult life was pretty crazy, mostly because I was still a teenager and acting like an idiot rather than acting like an adult. I was working for a big name discount airfare company where 90% of the employees were under 30 years old, uneducated, and making TOO MUCH MONEY for people qualified to do nothing other than work at a tanning salon. The best description of my time there would best be described as what 13th grade would be like if there was such a thing. It was a cross between 90210 and The Office with all the added drama of Melrose Place.

I began working part-time/after school at Cheap Flights when I was 16 years old. It was the easiest job ever and I was getting paid $10/hr under the table for showing up on weekdays to tackle mindless office duties. I had it made considering all of my friends were working weekends and shitty hours at Baskin Robbins or working retail in the mall for minimum wage at $4.25/hr. The added bonus to the pay was the fact that there were tons of cute boys working there who made more money than they knew what to do with. I would flirt with all the boys and hear stories about their glorious parties but was never invited out or a part of their crew because I was still jail bait in the eyes of the law.

When I turned 18 in the summer of '96, everything changed. I started working full-time and the boys were quick to holler and invite me and my friends out to their house parties. These guys were all renting homes with swimming pools and old enough to buy booze legally. Needless to say, every single night was a party and I became a permanent fixture at their parties. I started hooking up with one of the guys (who happened to be the group weed dealer) and by default we became boyfriend/girlfriend. He was a cool guy to hang out with and I liked him, but looking back, I realized that what I really liked was being a part of the group. I didn't know it at the time but, I was using him.

About a year into our relationship I knew that this was not going to work out as he was not the guy for me. Our priorities were far too different. At 18 years old, all I really wanted to do was take my earnings and get fucked up, shop, and go out. Well, my 23 year old boyfriend had obviously already done that and was content sitting at home, getting high, and watching the X-Files. I tried to break up with him a number of times and it didn't work. Who knew that someone could elect to NOT ACCEPT your reasons for breaking up with them? Any reason I had for wanting to go out and be single was countered with changes he would make to allow it. He didn't care if I went out every night with my friends, in fact he gave me his car to use. He didn't care what I did as long as he could still be with me. He threatened suicide if we broke up and I was not really equipped to deal with that, so I started leading a double life.

I started lying about everything and anything. Made up stories where I was going, what I was doing, and who I was doing it with. I dated different guys and even two of his best friends and everyone knew about it, it was crazy and I don't know how I kept everything straight. He found out that I was with one of his friends and even though I admitted it, he still wouldn't let me go. It was a total joke.

Three years into our relationship, he FINALLY gave up after it was revealed that I had been in another relationship with his best friend (who worked with us) for the past 10 months of our "relationship." This was revealed on-board a yacht at sea during our company holiday party. In the end, I ruined his life and changed jobs and I haven't seen him since. He was never the same after that. He gave up on life, lost his job, moved home with his mom, and focused on making music and producing beats for wannabe hip hop artists. About 6 years ago he completed an album and devoted a whole track to me. I never got my hands on it but my sister heard it and said it was the biggest dis she had ever heard and she really couldn't believe it was about me.

It's not a period of my life that I'm proud of, I'm actually pretty embarrassed about it. I'm a completely different person these days and don't really think much about him or that period I was with him. I feel bad about the way I treated him but it's all in the past and I'm not going to dwell on it. But, I have to have a reason for bringing all of this up, right?

After my workout last night, I walked into Trader Joe's to do a little grocery shopping for the week. I take my basket down the 1st aisle and start loading up on fruits and veggies, I reach for some sliced turkey breast and this girl walks in front of me, grabs something, and moves on. As I pick up the lunch meat I realize that the girl is my ex boyfriends little sister. When I turn around I see her standing with his/her mom talking and realize I've been recognized. So, I freak out and decide to pretend that I didn't notice them and continue shopping, because what do I really have to say to them? "Hey, sorry I ruined your son/brother's life and by the way how is he?" I don't care how he is and I look like hell and am in no mood for small talk.

Next thing you know they take out their CELL PHONES and start SNAPPING PICS of me shopping in the grocery store! Following me around the produce section and taking pictures! Now, I'm really starting to panic, why? I have no idea, I hadn't even thought through what I would say should I ever run into them and more so what I would say after I noticed them taking pics of me on their cell phones. So I decide that I need to leave and bolted the opposite way, to the frozen food section, at the other end of the store. I figured I could pick up a few items I needed and be in the check-out line before they made it past the other 6 aisles. Wrong! As I'm picking up some asparagus spears, lo and behold, his sister shows up in the frozen foods aisle, a whole SIX aisles away from where I just ran into them! I really had no idea what to do, I've never really been stalked in a grocery store, so I just played dumb and kept trying to find things that I was looking for before just giving up and making my way to the check stand.

Like an asshole I immediately reach for my ~~crutch~~ cell phone and start making calls to my roomie, friends, ANYONE who will talk to me so that I can carry on pretending to be acting normal. I finally made it out of the store and think I'm in the clear while I load up the car with my purchases, but then of course there they are just sitting in their car watching and staring. I got the hell out of there without having to make small talk, but left totally stressed out by the situation. It was so weird and completely bizarre and now every time I go to Trader Joe's I'm going to be looking over my shoulder. I hate it when my local spots are compromised by people you don't want to run into.

Hi, Nice To Meet You

2009-01-21T11:36:00.000-08:00

* This is a guest post from the wondrous Tux who visited us last weekend. Lilo and I are still working on our post to cover the events of the 3 day weekend and as soon as we recover and get our thoughts together, we will post it!

This past weekend I flew down to LA for my umpth interview to meet with yet again, a company that I have been talking/interviewing with for the past three months. After hearing that I will have to come back in a couple of weeks for ANOTHER meeting, I needed some good friends and cocktails. Enter Guido’s 32nd birthday extravaganza.

The 3 day shenanigans began at Los Toros, an outstanding restaurant where coincidentally I met Guido about 3 years ago. Being that I haven’t lived in LA for the past couple of years, I didn’t know many of the 20+ people there, so I slowly but surely began my quest to meet, greet, and be merry.

Of course everyone that Guido et al, is friends with, happen to be collectively the best group of people EVER. Let me repeat, EVER. I may even get BFF necklaces and buddy bracelets for all.

So here’s a little diddy, I’d like to tell, about a group of people I’ve come to know so well:

Our journey began at the Toros that is Los,
with a party that was the bombest of the bomb,
So good in fact, too many margs were drank
and my new friend Mami vom’d

I met Mr. Glor and the Z Clan, oh my
a family that was ever so witty
Armed with one dollar bills the party continued
at a Kitty that was ever so Shitty

Skid seemed to always be front and center
encouraging all to get lit
Shots upon shots, beers upon beers
we managed to build a bridge, and just get over it

There were football squares, with cash to be won
with McBride managing the dough
Yet he took it on the run babe, cause that’s the way he wants it babe
and made out like R.E.O.

I finally met the famous TJ
and a new friend I did get
Yet the deal was sealed in a karaoke song
when he serenaded just like Keith Sweat

I learned that the Ringleader and Lilo
touch themselves over and over again
They even name names, which was great entertainment
Especially amongst the men

So I’d like to thank Guido, and everyone else involved
for one of the best weekends ever
And I’ll go ahead and give a shout out to myself
for making a post that’s so clever

xoxo,

Tux

Two Things Pushing Me Over The Edge Today

2009-01-13T16:12:00.000-08:00

Today is DRAGGING. I'm trying REALLY hard to stick to my new meal plans and eating healthy and I think that is part of the reason my level of irritation is so high today. Usually when I am bored, I find something to snack on but I am trying to wait it out until dinner tonight.

What pushed me over the edge was a telephone call I just took from one of my colleagues clients who is in Asia and trying to change a really complicated itinerary. This lady would not accept what I was telling her regarding the rules of the ticket she has purchased. Normally, I try not to go into detail regarding fares because it's like trying to explain physics to a child and because airline rules and fares DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE. I didn't make the rules, I just interpret them! Well, this lady did not want to accept the rules and she broke out with one of my LEAST FAVORITE phrases EVER:

"In other words..."

I HATE IT. I hate it when people say "So, in other words..." and then completely rearrange your words to suit their liking. They just twist the words, as if by twisting them around they open a loophole which let's them have their way. I don't know what it is or if people think that saying "In other words..." is some sort of renegotiating term or something. It's fucking irritating and responding to their statement that follows it hard to follow without wanting to punch them in the face. I find it hard to NOT be rude, all I want to say is "What the fuck is wrong with the words I just said?" I mean accept the fact that the answer is NO and there is NO WAY around it. Instead I say things like "You're obviously not listening to what I said" or "You are completely misinterpreting it." How about you focus on MY words and not these other words you are so keen on using? I went around and around in circles for about 30 minutes with this lady before she finally understood that what she was looking for did not exist and gave up.

After the phone call I was SO IRRITATED that I really just wanted a cigarette. Don't know if I just wanted to get up from my desk and go outside or because I wanted to do something aside from eat but I really needed to smoke. Of course the smoker in my office is on vacation and I have no one to bum a cig from, so I go and buy a pack from the cafe in my building, because I need a smoke THAT BAD...

I step outside and am enjoying my cigarette when some random nutjob lady walks up to me and says:

Nut Job: "Why are you hurting yourself like this? Your poor lungs, do you know what your insides are going through right now? Don't you care about yourself?"

Me: She has got to be fucking kidding me. "I'm really irritated and having a rough day. I don't usually smoke but today I went and bought some." (why am I explaining myself to her?)

NJ: "You are ruining your life and killing yourself! Are your problems and irritations that bad? Why would you damage yourself like this? Won't this make everything even worse? I wish you could just FLUFF the irritations off, just let them roll off."

Me: "Yes, I know it's bad for you and right now I really don't care about anything other than smoking this cigarette." Please walk the FUCK away lady or I'm going to LOSE IT!

NJ: "I mean you are so young and beautiful and you are wearing my favorite color. Please stop doing this to yourself! I love you and want you to live." WTF her favorite color has to do with saving me, I will never know.

And then she starts raising her hand towards the sky as if she is praying for me.

NJ: "I'm praying for you."

Me: "Jesus Christ gimme a break"

This day needs to END.

I Never Thought I'd Be One

2009-01-09T16:10:00.000-08:00

My Roomie, the hardest working trainer in LA, is dating a new boy. And by "boy" I REALLY mean BOY! He's 23 years old, FRESH out of college where he played college football and recently was recruited to play arena football here in Los Angeles...before the league collapsed. So he basically moved out to LA for a job that he got and now he has no job and is living in LA, with his parents.

My Roomie and the kid had their 1st date on Monday night while me and my friend M were chillin/watching some tv at my place. After their date, my Roomie brought the kid back to our place to meet the Roomie/Me, you know because we secretly think the other can spot a lying scumbag. Maybe practice makes perfect, I'll let you know if it happens...

So this 6"5 beast of a football player comes in and you could tell M is completely baffled by the post date-date with "friends" where this kid has to get the seal of approval from 16 people.*

Anyways, this kid is GLORIOUS! So funny and entertaining, to say the least. For someone who's life experience is limited to college/keg stands/beer pong tournaments and playing college football, the kid really has a good head on his shoulders. Knowing my Roomie and her penchant for guys that look like this, I totally expected a complete meathead to walk through the door. The 4 of us stayed up on a school night well past midnight and even M stayed, he NEVER stays past 10pm! Needless to say we're all big fans of the kid and while we don't know where this is going, we're down for the cause, the cause for my Roomie to get some action...

That is, except for me. Tonight, Roomie and the kid have a date to watch a movie at our place. All week I have had plans to go to this bar for a birthday but all of a sudden I don't feel like going. Part of me just wants to hang out at home and make this a "Roomie date". I don't know if it's just me being lazy and getting over being sick all week, or if secretly I just want to hang out and hear some interesting stories of this kid's first strip club visit while hanging out on Beale Street the week of a bowl game...

Can you say COCK BLOCK?

Maybe I need to start trolling the quads of nearby college campuses for boys. I can't believe I'm contemplating being a cock block. WHO AM I???

*That may be because M is one of those boys that likes to keep his business on the DL and by that I mean he doesn't like anyone to meet the girl he's dating...assuming he dates.

Realistic Resolutions for me in '09

2009-01-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

I am the first person to say that I almost NEVER stick to any resolutions made for the New Year. For this first week of 2009, I've been thinking about what goals to set for myself this year and how to actually achieve them. You know, as opposed to just coming up with ridiculous ideas about running a marathon (I lack the ability and dedication) or losing 30 pounds by eating nothing enjoyable or flavorful along with exercising 6 days a week and having no life (Roomie, I don't know how you do it!). I also know I can't have a resolution to be just skinny and pretty because I don't have the powers Evie did to gleep myself into looking like a supermodel. I need an actual way to get from point A to point B with my resolutions.

With that in mind, I've come up with a sort of theme for this year, this year will be about me taking some risks. By risks I don't mean I'm going to start doing ignorant things like putting myself in danger by jumping out of airplanes or off of cliffs into canyons, but more about getting myself out of my comfort zone and not being afraid to try things differently or mixing it up a bit. I've always been the person who craves security in everything, staying in my comfort zone is my crutch since I win this way, which is why I keep doing the same things. We all know that there are certain things we succeed at, clutch/go-to outfits for each occassion, vacations we crave, and restaurants that always dazzle but I wonder if I am limiting myself by sticking with these tried and true things? I feel like now is the perfect time to mix it up. I'm 30 years old, no kids/husband/pets, and virtually no responsibilities except making a few payments and surviving. Also with having no spouse I really don't have anyone to consider in the decision making process except for myself. As Mandy posted it the other day, I'm deciding to unapologetically embrace myself. Thanks Mandy for the inspiration!

Here are a few things I plan to do and yes I know these things are lame but at least I know I will PROBABLY actually accomplish some of these things :)

1. My hair. I have great hair, seriously. It's practically down to my ass and when I take the time to do it, it's famously unstoppable and looks straight out of a commercial for volume and body. The problem is that I don't really stray from keeping it long, layered, and golden brown with blond highlights. I mean I know it looks great like that but I am thinking I need to take a risk and make some changes! I contemplate going dark with my hair but then worry I'm going to just take it right back up to light and gold. One thing that I keep talking about is bangs, I want bangs and long hair. Bangs and hair like Rachel Bilson's here:

Am I going to regret getting bangs and having them in my face? I don't know but why don't I try it out? Maybe it would look really sexy and sassy on me? Maybe it won't be bangs afterall but I am making the resolution to take some risks with my hair and re-invent myself by trying something new.

One thing I have already done is tried out a few new hair styles. Thanks to the fab Maegan, I am expanding upon my usual ponytail hairstyle on day 2 of not washing my hair. Lately I have been rocking the low messy side bun which I achieved by checking out her techniques/Hair to's.

2. Fashion. I need to start mixing things up and trying new styles on. I've been surprising myself and actually liking some styles I never really thought I would lately and I think this is a good way of mixing things up this year. I think I have lacked the confidence I feel it takes to pull certain styles/outfits off and because of that I just sort of stick to variations of the same thing. Obviously my body hasn't remained the same in the past few years and I think that could be a reason I haven't been shopping much, because I'm no longer happy with the way things are looking on me. This year I definitely want to take some more fashion risks and experiment with some new styles and hell even throwing some COLOR into my wardrobe would be a bonus!

3. Travel. As much as I love my tried and true destinations of pleasure, I need to get out there and continue searching, exploring, and learning about the world and where it is that I belong. Where is it that I want to be? Sometimes it's not only about timing, sometimes your surroundings create the perfect timing and setting for your dreams to come true! I read this quote in my horoscope for January and it really inspired me and echoes so true to my way of thinking: "Travel is only one manifestation of a larger goal that the universe has for you: to enlarge your perspective. By the time this year is done, you will look back and say that you used to think in terms that were too narrow, and that now you have started to see the world in bigger terms and vivid colors."

Last night I was inspired by Anthony Bourdain and a past trip to Peru. Somehow watching him discover things out there inspired me, I've always wanted to go to Peru but I feel like now may be the time to go. I definitely want to do something crazy like visit a Shaman and participate in a shamanic ceremony by consuming some Ayahuasca and see how I can connect my material world with a more spiritual side.

4. Health and FitMess™. I need to find a program I can commit to that I will enjoy doing or at least LEARN to enjoy. Perhaps I need to mix up my routine (current lack of routine) with a few things and incorporate activities as opposed to sweating away in a stinky gym. At this point I'm looking at alternate methods of achieving my FitMess™ goals, maybe some random award system for myself to stay involved and keep moving forward.

5. School. I need to figure it out and make some decisions as to what I want to do so I can proceed in that direction. Am I going to go back to school? Do I want to stay within my current industry and pursue something like travel journalism? I definitely have my own way of traveling and visiting new places, would it interest people aside from myself? Maybe someone wants to hire me for a new version of Wild On? Or would I rather learn more about cooking techniques and find a way into becoming a food and beverage manager somewhere fab? How about hosting my own cooking show catered to people who have the munchies...I've been known to MacGyver a gourmet meal out of random ingredients and make the stoners swoon ;)

These are a few of the things I am thinking of for now. Little random risks and changes I can make just to get outside of my normal life. Don't get me wrong, I do love my life and am so blessed to have the luxuries I have and to see the places I have seen! But I wonder, is it enough for me to be content in life but not challenged or confident but never really daring to be different?

I'm thinking along the lines of YOUR TIME IS NOW, SOLDIER! 2009 is in full swing and I'm ready to do this.

Waking Up is Hard to Do

2008-12-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

I go out FAR TOO MUCH. I'm like busy ALL OF THE TIME. Both of these things make me think I am the most tired person ever. Obviously being tired from doing things makes me not want to wake up in the morning because I want to sleep. Unfortunately, I have to wake up in the morning and it just sucks to start everyday with the most difficult task of getting out of bed. The past few days I have had NO CHOICE but to get up and get going with all sorts of things to do and I'm so tired and as soon as my holiday vacation begins I intend of sleeping for 5 days straight and God help the person that bothers me or tries to get me to do something.

Lilo and I had the day off on Friday to prepare for the XXX Mess party which was nothing less than historical and a monumental occasion to be shared by all! More on that later as I promised Lilo I would not blog about the party. Anyways, Friday morning we had to wake up uber early and go to the mall, 2 grocery stores, and her parents house. We spent the entire day decorating, cooking, bacon wrapping, and moving boxes of food and booze. We literally did not rest all day. Later that night I eventually passed out in Lilo's bed with Stiletto's on the air mattress on the floor next to me. Since I didn't sleep at home and since I was up late drinking/partying I obviously slept like shit. I was pleased to wake up to a giant mess the size of the party the night before and no way to actually cook anything for breakfast or to cure my gnarly hangover.

Yesterday I woke up around 12:30pm (FINALLY getting to sleep in!) and I realize that Lilo's place is probably still a giant mess and that we have AT LEAST 3/4 of the keg leftover as well as about a ton of food. Rather than go out and drop more $$ on food, I tell Lilo to meet me at her place and we'll clean and then kill the keg and eat. So we spend the entire day cleaning, drinking beer, reheating bacon wrapped treats and honey baked ham while watching some dvd's that I am not at liberty to admit to watching. Eventually I got wasted again and had to go home only to wake up again this morning and go to work.

Normally I need to leave my house at 8:30am to make it to work on time...today I woke up at 8:37am still feeling the effects of my weekend aka hungover and tired. I realize it's raining and due to rain I can get away with looking like shit and not fixing my hair. So, I put my hair in a side ponytail and then wear a newsboy hat on top of that. I put on a black long sleeve thermal shirt underneath a navy blue short sleeve sweater dress and wore charcoal gray patterned tights and matching scarf because it's cold. I looked in the mirror and knew this was a fail but just went to work anyways cause really, who cares and who am I impressing?

I really need to work on my waking up skills because what I am doing is not working. I also just realized my tights on are inside out and that the pattern of the tights is now indented on my legs. One should be embarrassed of this sort of behavior. I should really think about some new year's resolutions.

Online Dating FAIL

2008-12-18T16:32:00.000-08:00

Ok so some of my friends joined an online dating site a little while ago. One of them went out on a bunch of dates and actually had some luck so I figured why not? I'd give it a shot.

So of course I don't tell ANYONE about it because after all it's okay to look, right? For the most part, I wasn't really getting the response that I was hoping for. The guys that I found to be interesting and attractive obviously weren't really that into me. I haven't taken it too personally because, afterall there is A LOT of competition in online dating! So many beautiful single girls that appear to have a lot going for them and a lot to offer, it's TOUGH!

Over the course of a month I have really learned what my "market value" is and it's quite eye opening and depressing. I mean at this point I figure I'm probably like a 6 on the 1-10 dating scale. I NOW understand why online dating didn't work for my Roomie when she tried it YEARS ago! There is just too much competition and the hot guys have FAR TOO MANY options to choose from! In the end, why would they choose me when they can choose Barbie who is perfectly fake, lives in Beverly Hills, and makes $250k per year?

Over the course of the past few weeks I have been corresponding with this guy who seems pretty normal. He's one of the few people that messaged me that I decided to even talk to. Most of the dudes that hit me up were not my type or lived too far away. So me and this dude only message via the website and had never really exchanged personal e-mail addresses, until now. See the guys paid subscription ends on 12/24 and he is "really interested" in getting to know me better, so he gave me his phone # and email address to continue getting to know me.

I then remembered something our dear friend Valley Girl used to do when she dabbled in the online dating scene, she used to Google the first part of the guys e-mail address to check him out. So I google this guys e-mail address and it leads me to this website. Has anyone even heard of DontDateHimGirl.com?

Well this is what it said about Ted, the guy I was talking to:
This guy is a scam artist. He will act like he's madly in love with you to get in your pants and then you never hear from him again. He's fat and thinks he's hot. Sucks in bed. He's a loser. He is on every online dating site imaginable. He's full of himself and has no personality. Don't date him girl!!

Do we think this is some girl just hating on him? Or do we think this is a valid claim?

Either way, I'm pretty sure I'm not planning on calling him or getting to know him any better!

Should I alert him to the fact that he has an online reputation???

It's hard out there for us single girls!!!

Travel Disasters: Unplanned Layover in Philly

2008-12-17T13:20:00.000-08:00

As you all know, I am a travel agent. You would think that being a travel agent would guarantee superior service and seamless travel both en route to a destination and at your destination, but alas that is NOT the case! In fact, out of all of my friends and clients, people would agree that I have had the WORST luck when traveling! For a few years, NO ONE wanted to be in the same hemisphere as me when I went on a trip as disasters and crazy things kept happening, it was awful but looking back some of the shit was so f-ing funny.

With that I will begin with my very first trip to Europe in May of 2002. I spent 5 days in Amsterdam with my boyfriend at the time, The Skipper. While Skipper is the greatest guy ever and we're still really great friends these days, he used to be a total asshole and would completely come un-glued at times. This is one of those times. This post is a novel and I would probably only read it if I was bored like I am now @ work.

After 5 days in Europe and being completely jet lagged and irritated with my less than stellar options of food choices in the Dam, Skip and I were ready to come home. The day our flight was to depart we were being good and responsible travelers who happened to be travel agents, we called the airline 6 hours before our flight to reconfirm that it was still taking off and that it was on-time. We were told yes, on time - so we made our way to the airport. Upon arriving at the airport and checking-in with the ticket counter we were handed a piece of paper in English letting us know that our flight from Amsterdam to Philly was delayed for 4 hours. How could this be? We just called and it was on time, oh well these things happen. With that we waited around 4 hours and tried to get the airline to re-protect us on the next later flight from Philly to LAX since the delay would cause us to miss our connection, we did not succeed and the Dutch were no help.

I should mention that this airline is by far THE WORST AIRLINE IN THE WORLD, I am qualified to say this because I am forced to deal with them in my line of work and know from experience. I should also mention that the only reason I was flying with them was because I won 2 free first class tickets to Europe and well any idiot wouldn't let those go to waste.

Once we are in flight and speaking with English speaking flight attendants we found out the airline lied to us and that the crew KNEW the flight had not even departed the US when we called to reconfirm. They felt bad that we spent 7 hours in the airport waiting for our flight and called ahead to Philly to make sure we were re booked on the next Philly to LAX flight. They told us how once we cleared customs UsAir agents would be waiting for passengers to help them make their connections. Lies, all lies. Once we got out of customs there was a congregation of all 300+ people from that flight all crowded around ONE agent at the service counter. We were fucked. Eventually we realized we were not going to make any flight back to LA that night so we were reaccomodated on a flight the following morning, given a voucher for a hotel room, and provided transportation to said hotel room.

We found out that the Clarion Hotel UsAir was putting us up in was not even in Philly, or in the state of Pennsylvania for that matter. We were being driven FORTY MINUTES AWAY from the Philadelphia airport to Cherry Hill, NEW JERSEY.

WTF? What a piece of shit airline that can't even bother to put us up in the same state as the airport! We were obviously pissed but what could we do? We certainly weren't going to pay to stay somewhere else when UsAir screwed us and made us miss our flight, plus we spent WAY TOO MUCH in Amsterdam. Whatever, we went to the stupid Clarion and roughed it, it was just ONE NIGHT. When the driver drops us off he tells us to call his company and tell them what time our flight is the next morning and they will pick us up and take us back to Philly. So we called them, set up a pickup time and crashed out for the night. Being in 2 different time zones waiting around is SO EXHAUSTING.

The next morning we checked out of the hotel and went downstairs to wait for our ride to the airport. We waited around for about 30 minutes and called the limo company to find out WHERE the hell our driver was because we were worried about missing ANOTHER flight and not getting home. They told us the driver left hours ago and should be there shortly. We called a cab in the meantime and were ready to go with whomever got there first. 15 minutes later (45 minutes later than our scheduled pickup time) an old beat up limousine pulls up and the guy jumps out to take our bags. I notice this young Asian man looks as though he has not slept in about 3 days, I then make the determination that he has definitely been up smoking meth for the past week. We get in the car and the Skipper starts in on the guy.

Skipper: Um do you know what time it is? Do you own a watch? I mean what happened, you were supposed to be here almost an hour ago?

Driver: You're lucky I even picked you guys up, I just found out about this job and besides we're billing the airline so I'm not even going to get paid for this ride for at least a month.

The driver then proceeds to make a U-turn on a MAJOR highway during rush hour traffic and pulls into a GAS STATION and proceeds to hop out and start pumping gas.

Me... thinking: Holy motherfuck Skip is going to lose his shit right now.

Skip: ARE YOU F-ING SERIOUS BRO? YOU REALLY JUST SHOWED UP 45 MINUTES LATE TO PICK US UP AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY GAS? WTF KIND OF OPERATION IS THIS? FOLLOWED BY A SLEW OF OBSCENITIES...

Driver gets in the car and IGNORES us and just gets on the freeway headed towards the airport. He then tells Skip and I that we will get there in time and not to hassle him.

Skip did not take too kindly to these remarks from our tweeked out driver. He grabs my cell phone, asks for the # to his supervisor and starts screaming at the supervisor re: everything that is not to his liking. The supervisor was an asshole and eventually starts making crackling noises and saying he can't hear him and it must be a poor connection before just HANGING UP. ON. SKIP.

I don't know that I had ever seen Skip so mad. He literally leapt from the back of the limo, through the window to the driver and grabbed his limo radio, turned it on, and started screaming "ATTENTION: STEPHANIE. THE SO-CALLED SUPERVISOR WHO JUST HUNG UP ON ME. YOU WILL BE PAYING OUR CHANGE FEES WHEN WE DO NOT MAKE THIS FLIGHT. This is the biggest piece of shit company I have ever had experience with! While your cracked out/tweeked out drivers are up all night trying to solve Rubik's Cube we are about to have to spend an extra day in this God forsaken town and you could really care less about it. What are YOU going to do for US?"

Supervisor: Screams back "Attention Driver, you do not have to continue to take this abuse. Terminate the ride."

The driver then pulled over on the side of the 76 freeway (or the 295, not sure) where there wasn't even a shoulder and tells us to GET OUT. I look at him and say fuck no I will NOT be getting out of this limo and he has lost his DAMN mind, I don't even know WHERE I AM!

Driver opens the trunk and proceeds to THROW my luggage on the side of the highway saying that "Fine, then my luggage will be on the side of the road."

So of course I jumped out of the limo as I am NOT about to leave my handbags on the side of the freeway. I am more mad than ever and pretty sure that I am going to kill Skip first and then break up with him. He knew I was fucking pissed, he grabbed our bags and was wheeling them WAY ahead of me as I was busy crying woe is me and how do these things happen to me?? What are we going to do? Call a cab and tell them we are SOMEWHERE on this freeway wheeling luggage, WE THINK?

So I broke out the camera and decided to take some pics:

Skipper, dragging my luggage.

Eventually the freeway services company pulls up to rescue us. He assumes our car broke down and is really shocked when he finds out we were thrown out of a limo. He tells us that he's not allowed to exit the freeway but will drop us off at the next exit so we can go and call a taxi to pick us up.

We roll off the freeway off ramp and start on up the street looking for a street sign and an address where we could tell the taxi to pick us up. As we are rolling down the street, people are opening up their front doors and just staring at us. Finally, some lady rushes up to us and asks us where our car broke down, we told her we were thrown out of a limo (she laughed) and then she said "Do you have any idea where you are right now?" Uhhhh no... She informs us that we are in Camden, NJ and that it is NOT SAFE for us to be there and that we should try to get out of there asap. After about 30 minutes and being surrounded and gawked at by local crackheads, the taxi cab picks us up and tells us we are "Lucky to be alive." He then shows us the front page of the newpaper claiming that Camden was the 3rd most dangerous city in the nation for things like Murder/Death/Kill/Rape, etc.

Needless to say, we missed our flight and they wouldn't even check our luggage because the next flight was 9 hours later and too far in advance to check us in for. We ended up having to rent a hotel room in the airport for the day and the flight we were put on only had 1 seat available in first class, yours truly took that seat while Skipper had to cool off in coach. If only we had paid for the airport hotel in the first place, none of this would have happened...

Getting in the XXX-Mess Spirit Thanks to the Anchor

2008-12-16T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big holiday person. When I was a kid and had 8500 gifts to open along with 2 weeks off from school I absolutely loved the holidays! Now that I'm older and my parents aren't piling gifts under the tree for me, I'm just happy to have a few days off and being able to sleep in a few extra hours!

The end of this year has been challenging to say the least. So many of my friends are struggling with the possibility of losing their jobs after already losing most of their money in their 401k plans. It seems like everyone needed a little hope and needed a festive and glorious holiday season to bring us all out of this funk, also we felt the need to try to and end this year on a good note.

Enter the Anchor (Lilo's Roomie/my client), who is a HUGE fan of Christmas. A little over a month ago he began asking us questions about Christmas and what we planned to do, then he started up with this idea of having a Christmas Party and how "we" should do it and how great it would be if everyone came and "dressed, you know, respectable."

For those who don't know the Anchor, we call him the Anchor because no matter what he does he slows us down. He may have a lot of great ideas but he has never had the intention of following through on anything that isn't part of his job description at the video game company that he works for. So of course when he starts on about this Christmas party and how "we" (he likes to say "we" a lot meaning me, him, and Lilo but really he means me and Lilo) should reserve the club house in Lilo's condo to have this party, me and Lilo looked at each other and know that "we" (her & I) will have to do everything. We agreed and the party turned out to be a great idea.

Who knew that having an XXX Mess party to plan would put us all in the Christmas spirit? Lilo bought her first real Christmas tree which we decorated and topped with the famous swallow bitch swallow hat. I bought a wreath that I even HUNG on my door and the Anchor is actually HELPING with the party! Sure we had to pressure him into coming with us to Costco to buy all the booze and treats but now that he is seeing things come together he has actually taken a role in hosting and planning the party, albeit at the last minute, but we're both shocked and amazed that he's doing something! The party is on Friday and in the past few days he has taken care of: following up with his invited guests and getting us an accurate list of rsvp's, reserved a keg that he will pickup on Friday, got us an Xbox with Rockband (the entire set up of guitars, drums, mic, etc), downloaded over 200 songs to play on Rockband, and has hired a bartender (some chick, who is supposedly hot). He even took the day off on Friday to help us prepare! It's totally random and unlike the anchor like but things are just about ready to go!

Thanks to The Pioneer Woman we have some of the appetizers taken care of such as these glorious bacon wrapped appetizers and mystery rolls which are about the worst thing for my ever expanding waistline but going to be oh so good on Friday. When I was making the bacon wrapped thingies (to freeze and reheat) I probably ate 10 of them just because the whole house smelled like ~~glory~~ bacon and they were so warm and fresh. Originally we planned to cook everything and not just appetizers, but with a guest list of 70 people, we decided we actually wanted to have fun at the party so we ordered a bunch of pre-made appetizers and a honeybaked ham and are only cooking up a few of the things.

As for the booze, we have enough booze to keep the entire nation of Russia warm for the winter...which is a good thing seeing how every person we talk to plans on getting "really wasted and taking a cab home." See, the company that the Anchor works for (which is an account of mine) has laid off a HUGE number of their employees and actually had to cancel their company holiday party due to the economy. Needless to say, things at his company have not been too jolly and most of his co-workers and bosses who are joining us haven't attended any holiday parties this year. The good thing about it is that all of the guys who work with the Anchor have been IM'ing me and telling me how excited they are to party and how this party is one of the only things they are looking forward to this season. Others have been hitting me up to warn me of their singing capabilities or lack therof in Rockband. Basically, the Anchor deserves a lot of credit for bringing everyone holiday cheer (and getting them wasted) and I told him that last night and I think it made his day.

I can't even begin to say how excited we are to party on Friday! I was at Lilo's last night just looking at all the booze and snacks and salivating. The Anchor was actually even talking about going shopping for a new outfit since he has lost some weight and wants to show off the fact that he has a waistline!

Speaking of outfits, I went shopping yesterday for a few hours and tried on about 8 million things and NOTHING fit. I was totally looking for a festive dress or something fab to wear, which I found many, they just must have had the sizes mixed up or something BECAUSE NOTHING WOULD ZIP UP. So I decided to wear a Rachel Pally dress I bought a few weeks ago that I haven't worn yet, it's not exactly festive but at least it fits. So as of right now this is my dress (sans the belt as they didn't have any belts that would actually FIT around my gut) and my L.A.M.B. booties (aka the most uncomfortable shoes in the world):

I just hope that I don't look prego wearing the dress in pics, that would totally suck! I love Rachel Pally clothes but sometimes they don't come across as flattering in photos. Maybe it's not the clothes...

The Holiday Shakedown

2008-12-11T10:58:00.000-08:00

I'm going to preface this post by saying that I know I am a selfish asshole sometimes and this is probably one of those times.

The holidays are upon us and with that comes the holiday shakedown. Everywhere I go people are trying to shake me down for money. It used to only be in front of Target or the supermarket but now it's in all aspects of my life. Clients are sending me emails to donate to their charity, the owner of my company doesn't want a Christmas gift but would like me to donate to another charity, in lieu of an office secret santa gift exchange (which I don't ever participate in) we are donating to the red cross fire/disaster fund, and today we find out that my boss doesn't need anything but would like us to donate to a cancer research fund.

Where the fuck is my fund? How do I announce that I have a Loubou fund or the Ringleader's Maldives vacation Fund (Speaking of Maldives...Gravy Train HOW WAS IT? I'm SO JEALOUS!)

Ok now back to the ~~donation shakedown~~ acts of being selfless. First of all, I like the fact that people are just expecting gifts these days, and instead of being thankful or surprised that someone was thoughtful enough to get them a gift, they are just putting it out there that they don't want your gift or anything you would pick out for them. They want your money for their charity and in their name. And if you do not donate to their charity then you're a selfish asshole who deserves to rot in a homeless hell and they will be sure that everyone knows you don't give. And what is this GIVE business? How come giving feels more like taking?

For example, the person in my office that is collecting donations for the 3 different charities we're encouraged to donate to is literally COLLECTING. Like a debt collector.

I have been approached 2-3 times now re: said donations and wanting to know WHEN I would have a check for them. Look, I don't roll with my checkbook on the regular, in fact I don't even WRITE CHECKS except for my car payment which is my only bill I cannot pay online! I guess I'll have it WHEN I REMEMBER TO BRING MY CHECKBOOK TO WORK. Next thing you know they are going to ask if they should call me at home tonight to remind me to pay up. I mean who knows how many more reminder emails are going to go out (marked with high importance! Of course) and only addressed to the selfish broke ass people like myself. I've really just had enough of being shaken down for money. Don't I get enough of that regularly? You know like my BILLS that come in THE MAIL?

I also really love the donation list with everyone's first and last names followed by the amount they are donating that they pass around to everyone. I mean why can't we just slip our CHECKS in the ENVELOPE and then they can calculate it for a final donation? Because they want to pressure you into keeping up with the Joneses or the executives that can afford that $50 - $100 donation to help others. Those same people can also afford to buy their wives Loubous and afford to pay regular prices to go to the Maldives.

It's impossible to hold onto any money. I haven't even gotten paid and that shit is SPENT.

How do you guys deal with the holiday shakedown in addition to your regular holiday shopping and gift buying?

Things I Like to Steal From Boys

2008-12-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Throughout the years I have acquired lots and lots of stuff. Mostly it consists of all sorts of junk and items that don't belong to me which I'm too lazy to throw away. Why toss anything when there is tons of room to store shit in my walk-in closet?? In admiring my mess as of late, I realized that a great deal of the things I acquired were actually ~~stolen, borrowed,~~ lent to me from boys over the years. Boys of course who were promised that I would return their item the next time I saw them. Obviously I did not return anything and it's not like the things I held onto were of any sentimental value; it's just that they were boy things that us girls like to hang onto for things like rainy days. I decided to come up with a list of my favorite things to ~~steal~~ borrow from boys and why.

#1 Sweatshirts
I think every guy just knows they will never see their sweatshirt again after letting a girl borrow it when she is cold. Eventually the girl is going to leave and there is NO WAY she is taking it off after getting so cozy and warm in it! We always thank you fifty times for saving us from freezing to death and let you know just how warm we are in it before leaving and promising to wash it and give it back to you. And yes, we know that this hoodie is your favorite hoodie of all time and that it was probably a Christmas gift from your mom. We also know that said hoodie is probably the only hoodie that you hang up in your closet and is therefore clean. As opposed to your other non-fancy hoodies slung over that desk chair. If only you regularly did laundry you could have given us one of your other hoodies. Waaahhh waaahhhh wahhhhhh. It's funny because on cold days I regularly walk around sporting Chicago Cubs, USC, and Michigan State hoodies and could careless about any of those schools or teams (especially Michigan State, I HATE Michigan state - Go Buckeyes!) People are always trying to high five me or say something team or game related to me and I always reply that this sweatshirt is not mine and I don't know anything about it. If given a choice for my preference of sweatshirts to steal I would say anything Nike, Adidas, or some random surfwear company or zip up hoodies would be my favorites.

#2 Plain White T's

Guys have like 500 plain white t's so I see nothing wrong with stealing one to sleep in and take home as memorabilia of our night together. Lol, NOT! Actually most of the time I steal one of your plain white t's is because I drank heavily the night before and ended up spending the night with you; and in bonus news, you actually had something clean for me to put on and sleep in. Thank you for that! If combined with a pair of your boxer shorts you may also have saved me from drawing attention from your neighbors in a walk of shame in a sequined top and a mini-skirt. I do it all for you, can't have your neighbors thinking you're whoring around with whores, can we?

#3 Movies & Video Games

Have you noticed that guys have these incredible DVD libraries? I find myself browsing the DVD collections of boys the first time I go over to their house. You just want to know what they are into and sometimes their movie collection says a lot about a person. I almost always find a movie I have been dying to see and then ask to borrow it, said movie joins MY DVD collection the moment it comes home. Another thing I will borrow and not return in this same category is video games. These are the easiest to never return because once a boy has beaten the game they are usually uninterested in playing it and beating it again. So far the ONLY video game I have ever had to give back was Guitar Hero and that's because not only did I borrow the game but I borrowed both guitars, the playstation, and the memory card. I had it for about 8 months and Lilo borrowed it about 5 of those months. I'm thinking about starting an ebay business selling stolen video games, in fact I'm going to start asking if I can just have games from boys. Lilo, tell your roomie we need games.

What are your favorite items to borrow and never return from boys/girls you're involved with?

FINALLY!!!

2008-11-26T11:34:00.000-08:00

I. FINALLY. GOT. LAID.

Thank you sweet baby Jesus! Hallelujah! Praise the good Lord...AND THE FRENCH! It's been so long that I almost forgot what post-bone-glow looked like and how GOOD IT LOOKS ON ME! I was really worried that I was going to be celibate but NOT by choice for a year or more! It really seemed like it was never going to happen. Now that it has, I can relax and not worry so much about it, seriously it was psyching me out and I think it was counter productive to actually getting laid. I can't believe how wound up I have been for the past 7 months and how much better everything is once you are able to just release all that pent up frustration! Whew! I am back in the saddle and the best way to describe my feeling now is Irie mon. And normally, I'm only Irie when I'm home in Jamaica.

I owe it all to my favorite video game, Guitar Hero...or rather our new take on the game 'Strip Guitar Hero' which sounds like a real glor idea when you're really intoxicated. The Frenchies are good at coming up with things that involve stripping and it just sounds so much better in zee accent.

We started out pre-drinking and playing Rock Band with the boys, then headed out for dinner at Katsuya which consisted of two huge bottles of cold sake and a large Asahi each for me and Lilo, oh ya and some sushi. We were having a sexually charged conversation and of course dome was brought up, and the Frenchies didn't know what dome meant. Well, thank God we were there to teach them and let them know our slang for it! They were so excited that they referred to it as their 'Word of the day' because everyday they try to have a 'Word of the day' to use. It was so great, they were even trying to figure out how to incorporate that word to apply to the 69 position and said "That must be zee DOUBLE DOME!"

Lilo and I looked at each other and said "THAT IS SO GLOR! DOUBLE DOME? What is better than DOUBLE the DOME!?!

I don't know how sake affects you guys, but it has be known to CREEP up on me and Lilo and get us REALLY FADED like 30 minutes after drinking it, and that's exactly what happened when we got back to the Frenchie's apt. We decided we had had enough of Rock Band and decided to rock out with our fave, Guitar Hero. Somehow or another we felt the need (and by "we" I mean "they" the Frenchies) to make it a bit more interesting. So we were battling each other and whomever had a lower score on the song had to remove an article of clothing. Obviously that wasn't getting the job done quick enough with people removing belts and watches, so we then moved up to playing for specific articles of clothing such as: If I win, he removes pants and shirt and if he wins, he gets my chonies...

What sort of IDIOT bets her chonies that she will beat a guy who PLAYS the guitar in a real life heavy/speed metal band? Yes, THAT would be me --> she who ONLY plays GH on medium and considers herself an "expert" at "medium". Needless to say, I FAILED...and he won the panties. Somewhere around this same time, Lilo and Yann went to the bedroom to play a little strip blackjack, strictly to brush up on skills because the Frenchies are going to Vegas tomorrow.

This is when the details get a little fuzzy...

I'm not sure how it began but, I was hooking up with the one boy in the kitchen while there was another guy in the living room solo. Things must have started to progress to the point where I didn't want to be around the other guy who was just playing GH by himself since there were no other girls, like the way I made the odds work in our favor? So, I decided I would drag the kid I was hooking up with to the bedroom (where Lilo and Yann were) and I really didn't think it would be an issue to just sort of take the floor area. Well - WRONG!

I don't remember a whole lot but we left the room and then the living room guy went for a drive or something. Me and the boy started hooking up on the couch and....

*cringe + shudder*

Lilo and Yann walked in.

May or may not have seen me getting some dome zee French way.

I know, VOM.

So Lilo left, Yann walked her out I think, and me and the other boy went to the bedroom and handled the business.

There is pretty much NOTHING HOTTER than having sex with a boy who is speaking French to you while lightly pulling on your hair. Needless to say, I'm a big fan of zee French way.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

When Did Scamming Become Making Out?

2008-11-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

Remember in 6th and 7th grade when you used to play 'Spin the Bottle' or '7 Minutes in Heaven' at parties? Where you would get locked in a closet with a member of the opposite sex for a few minutes and you would "scam"? It never used to be called making out. There were straight scamming parties and that's the type of action we had and the way we used to get said action. You would go to a party at a friend's house and have a planned scam for the night, said scam would be arranged via 16 of your closet friends, 75 notes passed in between classes, and multiple 3-way-calls where your friends would find out whether the scammee(?) was interested while you were listening in with your phone muted on their call.

Things were so easy back then...unless of course your mom picked up the phone and yelled something about getting off the phone. Moms always find ways to burn you out on things like that, why is that?

Last night about 30 of my friends got together for our annual friends Thanksgiving deal. While we were cooking we started talking about my Saturday night and the whole scamming bit came back to us. It was so funny to hear us reminisce about scamming and the way we used it in conversation. People used to scam him, bust a scam on her, things would be getting serious if they were scamming at every party. It was just so funny! I wonder when it went from scamming to making out? I say we bring back scamming, I'll start with my Saturday night.

Saturday night: We started out with dinner at Fogo de Chao for my Roomie's birthday. All you can eat meat is NOT condusive to looking skinny and/or pretty but it's what the hardest working trainer in LA wanted so we went there. Lilo turned white as a ghost at dinner and my ex-boyfriend Skipper took her back to his place in Hollywood so she could rest while we finished our evening. I will also note that Skip has a tempurpedic mattress like me and he did double check with Lilo as to whether she had any issues "peeing" in beds and things, to which she replied that I would vouch for her. Skip then offered Lilo some Absinthe, just in case she needed to hallucinate while feeling like shit. My ex-boyfriend is a good man, lol. He left Lilo at his place and joined the crew at Citizen Smith where everyone else was meeting to celebrate the birthday.

Along with the usual suspects at Citizen Smith, there were a few newbies. Remember the cute French boy Yann who showed us around Paris last month? Well he is in town visiting and we invited him and his friends to the bar to drink and party with us. It was a lot of fun, everyone was in the same place drinking and I had to entertain 4 French boys, POOR ME!!! After many drinks and much flirting, my client JJ (the French guy who lives in LA and hooked Lilo and I up with Yann) decided to kick things up a notch and wanted to teach me about "Zee French Way."

Zee French Way is something zee Lilo and zee Ringleader didn't get zee taste of in Paree. We FAILED at hooking up with boys out there. For a culture that supposedly treats sex as no big deal like we personally do, we found it hard to just make it happen out there - although we DID try!

So JJ goes on to ask if I ever had zee French kiss with zee real French guy to which I responded that NO because that which is zee Ringleader, FAILED! So he says well, you have 4 French guys here right now and I think it is zee time, so let's do this. Now, I should let you know that I talk a big game but when it comes down to it, I actually get embarrassed when told to do something like kiss this guy or that guy. I usually like to get drunk so these things just naturally happen. So of course when JJ tells me to handle the French guys I have to up the ante and say things like "All four of you, I mean yeah? Who wouldn't want to kiss you boys?"

And JJ called bullshit. Next thing you know, I was pointed in the direction of JJ's cousin for my 1st real French kiss. I am NEVER the girl making out tongue down the throat of guys in bars and clubs, it's just NOT ME. So I went for it and it was good, the boys were so cute and thank God I was buzzed. At this point I could just FEEL every single one of my friends looking at me from behind and I really didn't want to turn around and then JJ says "Ok, I am next." And next he was, great! Now I'm making out with clients and multiple guys who are all seemingly OKAY with what I would call sloppy seconds! I later learn that this is zee French way, sloppy seconds and all, the French just want some action and they don't care who may or may not have been involved in said action.

Good God! I realized that not only am I making out with boys in front of all my friends in a PDA nightmare being THAT girl, but let's not forget that SKIP my ex-boyfriend was there and well this is "weird" seeing his ex jumping guy to guy like some whore. But what could I do about it? I mean, there was still cutie patootie Yann left to kiss so FUCK IT! 3rd time is the charm, right? It was hot.

Next JJ asked me who was the best French kisser. God I was so embarrassed, I think I just said they were all great and I needed to think about it. Eeeeek! Needless to say, it was all equally great and fun and yay go me! I so needed something like this!

I also found out that Yann was pretty upset that Lilo was NOT there. We found out after we returned from Paris that Yann wanted a piece of the Lilo and he for sure thought that was going down Saturday night but Lilo got sick and well what can you do other than offer yourself up as a substitute? Ha ha. Good thing we have a date with the Frenchies tomorrow night, we will need to make up for it!

Zee Ringleader wants to see more of zee French way.

Investing in 5 Letters

2008-11-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

As we all know, our economy is in the toilet. I didn't want to look, but when I did, I noticed that my 401k plan is down something like 35% - nearly HALF of my retirement savings are GONE! Luckily, I'm young and everyone keeps saying how you just have to ride it out. Like a bad relationship just RIDE IT OUT and my money will magically reappear when the market fixes itself. You know things always fix themselves - in fact I just know that when I don't pay my bills my credit will just fix itself right along with the economy!

What the FUCK.

I don't know dick about investing or portfolios and while we're on the topic, I'm really not known for my ability to do this thing called saving. I'm much more of a spender, in fact for you savey type people, feel free to inquire within if you need any help spending any money. I'm award winning and certified.

In fact, I just came to a very important realization regarding my spending habits and it turns out that I actually did something right and items I purchased have actually APPRECIATED! And what items were those?

HANDBAGS.

My most favoritest things in the whole wide world that make me more happy than anything could ever make me happy. Handbags with names just 5 letters long (and one of these days I intend on buying a vowel to upgrade to the 6 letters such as Hermes and Chanel). I don't know what is going on but, nearly every handbag I own and use on the regular has increased HUNDREDS of dollars in price. Now, I wonder why the hell I wasn't investing in handbags and 5 lettered items, sitting on them, and then selling them a few years later for HUGE profits?

Hmmmm, because I have no self control and could not imagine buying handbags and just looking at them in my closet. I would feel so bad for my dear Louis and Fendi who are stuck at home like a barefoot and pregnant wife with no social life. Also, because my shoulder and arm would just fiend to carry those bags and pair with a cute outfit so they could be photographed and added to my Facebook and My Space accounts. Because things like new photos and accessories are very important in these trying times...well maybe not that important, but it is a bit lighthearted and takes my mind off of all the scary things going on right now.

Here are a few examples. I bought this bag brand new in black about 4 years ago for a price of approximately $1600 including tax. Today, you can buy this EXACT SAME bag for $2240 + tax. That's a $640+ profit! I also bought this bag brand new in bronze and off-white for under $500 each and today they are going for $740 EACH! That's a $480+ profit for both of those handbags! I mean where else can you spend $2600 and have your items appreciate over $1100? I mean if I had a few hours I would figure out what % the item increased in price, but I really don't want to try to figure that out and knowing things related to math would definitely ruin my street cred. I certainly wouldn't want people to expect that I know things and ask me to figure out how to split a bill or something.

For all the boys and people that just can't understand WHY you would spend SO MUCH MONEY on handbags and accessories, now I can legitimately say it is an INVESTMENT. One that is ACTUALLY profitable.

Now, if I only had any money to INVEST...

Flamin' Hot Cheetos - The Red Menace

2008-11-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

On my way to work this morning, I learned of a serious problem sweeping the nation: Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Seriously.

Taken from NPR:
"If you've got kids between age 5 and 15, you're probably already aware of a pernicious red menace that's sweeping the nation these days -- Flamin' Hot Cheetos. That's right, the snacks, introduced in 1991 by Frito-Lay (which also makes Original Cheetos, the nation's best selling extruded cheese-flavored snack), have exploded in popularity over the last few years. All over America, school kids can be seen stumbling around in Cheeto-induced dazes. Their eyes watery, their mouths ringed with the atomic red powder that gives the Cheetos their zest."

They went and visited a school in Pasadena, CA and talked to the kids about Flamin' Hot Cheetos and I seriously can't believe how crazy the kids sound over the Cheetos! Listen for yourselves here.

I never had ANY CLUE that Cheetos were such a big issue for schools! I mean, I don't have any kids but, I guess I never thought that an artificially flavored cheesy chip-like snack could take over schools and ruin lives! In fact, after listening to this report this morning I figured that NPR had nothing to report post-elections and were making things up, this can't really be true...can it?

So, I ask my girl Cassie who works for LA Unified School District as a literacy coach:

Me: let me ask you a random question
Cassie: haha ok
Cassie: let me give you a random answer
Me: are flaming hot Cheetos a big problem in your schools?
Me: have you heard about this?
Cassie: um YES
Cassie: stupid Cheetos
Me: dude I'm writing a blog about this
Cassie: tell Newman not to let his daughter eat them
Me: i heard about it on the radio it's so bizarre
Cassie: they have red dye #5 or whatever which causes add
Cassie: and they're toxic
Cassie: BAD and they smell
Me: I really can't believe this
Cassie: and kids smear the orange crap EVERYWHERE
Cassie: hate those stupid hot Cheetos
Cassie: i used to outlaw them in my classroom
Me: I heard a report this morning on the radio and they said it's a "janitorial nightmare"
Cassie: it really is
Me: they referred to them as "the red menace"
Cassie: they leave this orange film
Cassie: EVERYWHERE
Me: it sounds like a very serious issue sweeping the nation
Cassie: ew, even the smell makes me mad
Me: LOL, I love hot Cheetos
Cassie: i HATE them
Me: but i can't eat a lot of them, it would take me all day to eat a bag
Cassie: they're the worst
Cassie: kids show up with the jumbo bag for a SNACK
Cassie: and we wonder why we have a childhood obesity problem?
Cassie: i mean, REALLY?
Me: these kids were screaming "I get crazy when I eat Hot Cheetos, I just LOOOOOVEEEE Hot Cheetos"
Cassie: it's awful. you have no idea
Cassie: those things are the devil
Cassie: even the smell give me anxiety
Me: And teachers called into the radio show and said kids bring huge bags and at recess they all huddle around the flaming hot Cheetos and some kids dip them in cream cheese like it's a bagel + cc for breakfast
Cassie: yup
Cassie: so gross

So random, has anyone else heard about this? It's just one of those things like when I heard that pirates were a very serious issue off the coast of Africa. I mean WHO KNEW that pirates were really out looting and holding people and vessels hostage? Now that's all I hear about are pirates here and there taking over the world.

I bet the pirates are eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Tagged - 15 Questions

2008-11-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

We've been tagged by Himbo over at My Hair is Luxurious for a short 15 question deal.

1. Were you named after anyone? Yes. I was named after my great-grandmother and a stupid song. My full first name is Cara-Mia (yes like the artichokes and yes like what Morticia and Gomez call each other on the Addam's Family). I always thought my name was super uber corny and lame: it means my darling, my beloved, my dear, my friend (= LAME/CORNY) and no one is able to pronounce it properly.

2. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes...so don't expect me to swallow.

3. Would you bunjee jump? I like Himbo's response "Nope, I'm Mexican." I don't know what being Mexican has to do with NOT bunjee jumping but if that is a legit reason of race then I'll keep my Mexican ass away from any ledges.

4. What is your favorite cereal? Rice Chex is what I eat most often these days but I also love Cocoa Krispies.

5. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I don't usually wear shoes that tie.

6. What is your favorite ice cream? If my roomie/the hardest working trainer in LA is reading then I like cookies and cream. Otherwise if she's not, I've become a fan of chocolate and vanilla gelato.

7. What is the first thing you notice about people? Teeth and smile.

8. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I'm lazy and unmotivated.

9. What was the last thing you ate? 1/4 chicken white and chinese cabbage salad from CCC. Mmmmm CCC is the best - sorry to those that don't have one nearby!

10. What are you listening to right now? My IM ding and make noises every time I get a new IM - it's exciting.

11. Last movie you watched? The Dark Knight on the plane home from Paris. It was SO GOOD!

12. What did you dream about last night? I didn't really sleep well last night.

13. What book are you reading? I just finished reading 4 Blonde's on the flight.

14. Summer or Winter? Duh, SUMMA! This California girl loooves the sun and bitches.

15. Do you have any special talents? I am a master trip planner, queen of introductions, and I make a MEAN grilled cheese sandwich. No joke my grilled cheese is like NO OTHER!

I tag Penny and whomever else is doing the NaBloPoMoFoRo deal and doesn't have any material ;)

I've Been Missing in Action

2008-11-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

So I've totally gone M.I.A. from posting, I just don't feel like anything spectacular has been happening and I'm really like blah and boring these days and I just think it's depressing. After coming back from Europe, I've totally been in post-trip depression and it just seems like there is nothing to look forward to. The truth is, I never want to come home from the vacations and trips that I take with the exception of the trips "home" to see my family. I am always ready to return from those. Most people I travel with end up missing home and are ready to come home to their family, their dog, friends, and love interests - which I definitely understand. But, I really don't have any of those things to come home to except for my wonderful friends who of course have their own wonderfully busy lives.

Coming back from my trip meant coming back to LA for the holidays and ever since my family moved away 2.5 years ago, the holidays just haven't been the same. Everyone is always really great and makes sure I have somewhere to eat/be for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I'm never left alone with a lean cuisine watching the Laker's Holiday game or anything. I get invites to go out of town to my friends families homes, and I get to determine where I choose to be by asking questions about what sort of stuffing they have or just how whipped and glorious are their mashed potatoes before committing to anything, it's a pretty sweet deal but still, you can't help but feel like an orphan on those days.

Work has been really slow and boring, so many of our big corporate accounts are not profitable and the first thing to get cut is T &E. It's so crazy how our countries economic problems are really trickling down onto everything. So many people are going to be without jobs or trying to get by on newly reduced salaries this holiday season. I heard from so many of my clients and friends that their company holiday parties and even holiday parties for popular TV shows and their cast/crew have been cancelled due to costs. My company is still going through with our holiday party which is in Palm Desert at the JW Marriott Desert Springs. They get everyone a room and it's such a nice party + mini-vacay but, I'm worried whether or not we should have gone through with the party this year. Is it going to seriously affect my profit sharing/holiday bonus? Obviously I would rather have $ in my pocket than go to a party. I dunno... Lilo is coming with me as my date since ~~I don't have a real date~~ she has never been to Palm Springs. I'm trying to be positive and think that this party is a good way to close out an OK year in business. I just can't help but worry about how much worse it could possibly get and if I should be concerned about my job stability.

Oh ya and... I have decided to forgive a friend whom I cut out of my life about a year ago. She was best friends with me, my roomie/the hardest working trainer in LA, and Posh Wife (former posh bride) until we realized she had a serious problem with the truth and her lies had snowballed to epic proportions. I think I forgave her because I used to be a liar, and I did it for no apparent reason other than getting away with it or just because it was what someone else wanted to hear. I got over that and quit lying in my teens, being caught in lies is a horrible feeling. I know that it had to be really embarrassing for her to literally go down a laundry list of lies and explain the actual truths. It's real hard to admit when you're wrong so I guess I respect that. Obviously, our relationship will never be the same and I'm proceeding with caution. I guess it's just tough, sometimes I think I expect too much from friends or maybe I just give too much and expect the same in return? People are bound to screw up and it's just a matter of whether or not you can forgive them and try your best to forget it. I find that while I'm super forgiving and understanding, I have a real hard time forgetting the disappointments.

Lastly in totally random weird news, my mom called me earlier this week to let me know that her and my dad have decided to get married. The first thing out of my mouth was gay. Not gay in a homosexual way, but gay as in LAME. Gay because why get married NOW? I mean GAYS can't even marry yet my parents just decided that they are going to, what? In case someone decides to ban regular marriage? They have been together 32 years without being married and although their relationship is unconventional and they are weird freaks, it works for them. I wonder if having the title will ruin it? I just don't exactly understand the whole why business, I mean it's not like either one of them works and they're doing it for tax purposes, LOL. My mom def isn't pregnant. Eh, either way, I'm not really close with either of them and I'm not all that interested in attending any Vegas nuptials. God I am an AH.

Other than that I've been tagged for another post which I'll work on next, hopefully that one won't be as depressing and lame as this one.

Re-Open Proposition 8 for California

2008-11-06T11:21:00.000-08:00

This issue is very important to the Mean Girls. If you are a resident of California, please sign this petition!

For more information on Proposition H8TE or to view the petition please click below.
Re-Open Proposition 8 for California

Let's stop PREACHING equality and start living in a country where each individual is treated equally.

The Mean Girls Euro Mess '08 Slideshow

2008-11-04T12:31:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone!

Lilo and I returned safely last night from an amazing and interesting trip through Europe! Since I am the only one to have uploaded pics (**cough cough ** get on it Lilo) you're only going to get 1/2 of the story through pics for now! Most of the pics I have are of Lilo doing things and most of the pics she has are of me doing things - it was just easier to whip out are own cameras and snap a photo of the other.

The Flight:

A picture of our in flight menu, our champagne and the electronic buttons you get to push for your seat:

The Ringleader, laying fully flat in my airplane "bed":

England:
At the Tower of London, this is where Anne Boleyn got her head cut off:

An ad for The Hills in the Underground. I just love the LIAR/LOSER bubble:

Lilo (and my LV) at The Mandarin Oriental after REALLY expensive drinks:

Amsterdam:

The Ringleader, with an extra cold Heineken and a spliff in hand...When in rome, right?

Lilo, when in Rome-ing. Note her shirt says "I'd rather be getting dome" LOL:

The most glorious Frite's in the world, we ate them 1-3 times per day:

Tosti sandwich, mmmmm:

The Redlight district (that I was allowed to photograph):

Lilo with the Redlight district behind her:

Lilo posing with some of the 1 million bikes in Amsterdam:

An awesome name for a gay bar in the Dam:

Paris:

Some pictures of the Pere Lachaise cemetary - note the color of the leaves! They have SEASONS in Paris:

Jim Morrison's grave:

Eiffel Tower - duh:

Lilo at the tower:

The Ringleader at the tower:

Both of us Eiffeling:

Bastard panties we found in Montmartre:

Lilo at the Arc de Triomphe:

Our new French boyfriend, Yann:

Sacre Coeur Basilica:

And now we're back to regular life in LA. Both of us woke up this morning and VOTED and are anxiously awaiting the results of this election!

Why I don't cop a squat...

2008-11-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

Aside from my previous "issues" with copping a squat and getting cited for said behavior in Orange County, I have issues "squatting" over toilets - you know, when they don't have toilet seat covers.

Well, Europe doesn't do toilet seat covers, which I'm used to. Tonight, about 15 minutes ago I experienced my first Parisian toilet sans TOILET SEAT! WtFAILLLLLL.....I'm in an upscale club in the Saint Michelle area of Paris (with my fucking HOT Paris boyfriends/dates/tourguides) and I go to pee and there is NO SEAT! So I'm forced to squat and I do, I should mention I had not peed for the last 2 hours and have been drinking for a solid 6 hours now. So I am peeing with authority and I think I'm done and I manage to stand up post-wipe and piss down my tights wearing leg. GREAT!!!! So I peed on my legs, my tights, and fail! And THEN when trying to squeeze out of the stall (the toilet was far too close to the door...) I don't realize there is a step down to exit and trip and fall only to catch myself on the sink...in front of a French guy. Said French guy then proceeds to speak fast French to me asking me if I'm OK and all I can say is "merci"

I'm an idiot and shameful internationally...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Louis doesn't do rain...

2008-11-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

There is a reason my Louis Vuitton multicolore speedy does NOT do rain, because Louis does not like to get wet...from the rain. Lilo and I also do not do rain, its impossible to look pretty when you resemble a drowned rat with curly hair and it just sucks trying to navigate Paris through and around its many puddles :(

Today we set off for Père Lachaise, the famous and beautiful cemetary where Jim Morrison is buried. We left and were camera ready to pose for pictures and capture the beauty of a monumental French cemetary, only to realize that we were not prepared for this situation. It took us over an hour to find Jim's grave and when we arrived it was fenced off and hard to photograph while standing in a muddy puddle and balancing on someones tombstone. We did the best we could and are now heading back to the hotel to get ready for our night out with some French boys (friends of one of my clients). We had planned on making our way to Sacre Coeur to take pictures of this famous church on the hill but we're both too wet and worried about missing our date at The Plaza Athenee for drinks and our date w/ our Frenchies.

There is no way in hell I can wear heels (sorry L.A.M.B. Booties) and no way I will be able to take my GLORIOUS LV out for his day/night returning to his roots of Parisian glory. Instead, I'll be rocking a sweater dress, tights, and Clarks mary jane esque flats. I hope we will be able to seal the deal by meeting some American "chubby chasers" ;)

In bonus news, believe EVERYTHING you have ever heard about baguettes/bread here in France! Its sooooo crusty and glorious! We had a ham, gruyere cheese, and butter baguette sandwich for only €3!!! What a bargain! So far France isn't as pricey as we had thought!

P.S. My French sucks. With as many phrases and words I have learned, the only things I have put to use are: asking for a glass of red wine, merci, and bonjour/bonsoir. I pretty much just stare at people looking clueless and they get the point.

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You don't have to put on your red light

2008-10-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

Well, you def put on the red light if you want the business and to get laid...but alas that didn't happen and we're batting 0 for 2 cities with the boys...

We made it out of Amsterdam along with our shoes and our pride. Currently we're on one of those fancy Thalys trains somewhere in Belgium, drinking mini bottle after mini bottle of french red wine, we're en route to Paris.

The past few days have been a blur of heineken, hashish, frites, tosti, and whores...in other words its been GREAT! Like finding the holy grail of all things illegitimate in a legitimate setting, Amsterdam is hedonism and truly an adult playground in Europe.

Night 1 - after flying into the Dam and taking the train to the Centrum of the Dam, Lilo & I dropped our bags off at the hotel and headed out to the nearest coffeeshop, which happened to be The Grasshopper, one of the most touristy & most expensive coffeeshops in the Dam. We paid €20 for 1g of Kalimist, €4.50 for 1 gatorade, and €4.50 1 bottle of water. FYI a pint of Heineken costs €2.10 so there is truth in the statement I had previously made about beer being cheaper than water (too bad coffeeshops don't sell booze anymore...)

We blazed a spliff and got sooooooo baked out of our minds, seriously SO retarded! When in <strike> Rome <\strike> Amsterdam right? So then of course we decide it would be a good time to wander around aimlessly in search of glorious frites and a bar to throw down some Heinie's. We walked up & down like 20 alleysize streets in search of said Heinie bar only to decide against each bar for not being "low-key" enough for us as we weren't really dressed up. So FINALLY we see a street that looks bustling and lit up and KNOW there HAS to be a bar down THAT street!

Lilo, walking a few steps ahead of me and more high than I have ever seen her (until the next night when she was the MOST high) and all of a sudden it DAWNS on me that SOMEHOW during our wandering we had managed to wander into and allow the main drag of the Red Light District to CREEP UP ON US! Yes that's right the broads in their stationairy boxes crept up on us! So I shout "LILOOOO, do you know like what's going on HERE?? I mean are YOU aware??"

She turns around and is POINTING at a bar located conveniently in between two boxes with their lights on, and goes "Yeah there's a bar RIGHT THERE!" Meanwhile, the directional pointing may have come across as pointing towards different girls and then came the massively delayed response of "WOW, OK I GET IT. I AM AWARE..." All of which happened in serious SLOW MOTION, I even heard her speak slowwwww.

And then we walked REALLY quickly out of that alley so that we could discuss what had happened and our thoughts re: said sex for money propositions. Its not that we're uncomfortable with it, in fact we're far more curious of the in's and outs (sans in/out live action) and how it works more than anything. But the fact that we had NO IDEA that we could end up there whilst wandering and thus we were unprepared, which scared us. It was like we were sleeping and someone crept up for some backdoor action without our expressed written consent, OF COURSE you're gonna jump and/or recoil! In fact the rest of our time in the Dam we couldn't help but keep bringing that moment up, it was SO funny and the reaction was oh so real!

Day 2 - we slept until around 2pm and then made our way down to the Leidesplein for dinner, heineken, and to legally smoke some more ganja. We finally realized that we need to buy weed from a coffeeshop and then go to a "smoker friendly" bar where Lilo could drink beer and roll me a spliff (since I don't roll) and then smoke out and chill. I'd like to mention that I'm positive that Lilo has a drinking problem. She drinks 2 beers/wine/whatever to my 1 drink and is the picture of beligerence. In fact right now beside me on the train she is beckoning for a "button" for the train attendant so she can ask for her to bring yet another bottle of wine over...

Day 3 - we decided to get cultured and things and made our way to the Van Gogh museum which I was able to race through in about 20 mins, they didn't even have the print of the skeleton skull smoking a cigarette for us to buy, that was like the coolest pic they had there in my opinion. I would like to note that I have NEVER been as cold IN MY LIFE as I am here in the Dam, England was WARM in comparison! We're talking -8 degrees out here and my makeshift balls are frozen! We found this place for Frites which after sampling at least 4 different frite places this was the best of all (and voted best fries #1 in Holland) its the www.Frietopia.nl. This place oozes mayonaise and glory topped frites! If I was to bring these frites to LA, I'm certain that an early retirement would be in my future! Needless to say we ate at this frite place everyday and had frites this morning for breakfast before boarding the train to Paris. We <3 frites, true story.

We have also become one with the Red Light district. Last night we decided to hang out in the district for research purposes alone, we wanted to see how the business became a transaction, so obviously we followed a group of boys who were in search of a "good time." The 4 boys came across a Russian/Ukrainian looking broad who was quite attractive and we saw her open the door for them as we walked by. I turned around and told Lilo that we needed to go back & see how this whole thing goes down. So we literally turned around and took out seat against a cement pole and watched a working girl, WORK it!

Working girl - "All of you! 1, 2, 3, 4 - let's go now."

Me - WHOA!

Working girl - "you and you, come on, two at a time"

Me - Lilo, is this on of those situations where "both boys LOOK to the RIGHT?"

Lilo - yes, I look right and you look right.

Me - WHOA! I mean, if I was paying I mean, wouldn't you want like your OWN time with her?

Lilo - yeah well, how do you decide who goes FIRST???

It was bananas. We love the Dam, its the gnarliest place ever and such a chill, welcoming environment for all things.

That's our recap of the Dam so far. We'll try to post as much as possible seeing how Stiletto's, our lead singer, is busy with her solo album over at her solo blog. Send her an email for an invite vee.hilton@gmail.com so you can get caught up with the happenings she can no longer post here.

We're almost in Gay Paree and we're soooooo ready for Eiffeling good times! Hopefully we'll have luck with some French boys and have some worthwhile stories to tell. So far, we've been in places where boys are more interested in red lights and hash smoking contraptions....

xoxo,

The Ringleader & Lilo

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Mobile blogging, part 1

2008-10-27T18:43:00.001-07:00


It's something like 1am and I have photographic evidence of a few things. #1 is below (hopefully you can see it) but it's me, your unfaithful Ringleader laying flat in business class. Yes, it was glorious... What is NOT so glorious was the fact that our luggage did not arrive with us @ 6am Sunday morning...so I had to gallavant around Londontown wearing SLACKS (required in business class as a travel agent) and my navy blue diesel sneakers, eew! I should mention that my slacks were worn on the plane with 4 inch boots and therefore were FAR TOO LONG for diesel shoes, oh ya and IT WAS RAINING all day long so I was wet from the knee down. But in bonus news, we didn't have to schlep our bags on the tube and upstairs or down the street to our hotel, I should mention Lilo's bag weighed 57 pounds and that cost her $50 extra dollars for a heavy bag! Our 1st meal in England was McDonalds, I know FAIL but on Sundays in the west end things don't open til after 1pm and we were hungry! More to come and be reported including our run-in with a working girl a la "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" on Showtime, ya she was ready to bone an OBESE man she was with @ the Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park's "MoBar", oh yeah and Lilo slipped and fell when exiting our "business" dinner at the Jumeirah Carlton Towers'. "Rib room" restaurant....should also mention she's been referring to the hotel as the Jamiroquai (like the singer) since then, needless to say, she's been wasted today. Tomorrow we depart for Amsterdam!!!! Woot! Expect a FULL report on our London whereabouts as well as a fear & loathing esque update of life in the Dam as per our soon to be experience in the coffeeshop. "Cheerio" bitches....

Baby You Can Go Wherever You Like

2008-10-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

Yeeeeahhhhhhhhaaaaaa.
Sorry I have been lagging on my posts, getting myself and Lilo prepared for this trip has SERIOUSLY been taking a lot out of me! I know that being travel agent extraordinaire, this is like "my job" but in reality, I don't usually book leisure foreign independent travel for people. It just takes too much time and is far too involved for me to get into. I'm usually dealing with business travelers needing upgrades flying from LA to London, staying in a fab hotel (recommended by me), going to some meetings, grabbing a bite to eat, and then flying back home. It's a quick wham, bam, thank you ma'am transaction and it allows me the time to reply to my millions of other work related emails, blog, and surf the web.

We're Leaving for Europe ON SATURDAY! I'm so excited that I can't stand hearing MYSELF talk about it anymore! Each day when I come to work I immediately start working on our trip, whether it be looking for better connecting flights with better business class seats, or searching for the perfect restaurant, bar, or place to meet boys. It's tough because I don't just have me to consider; Lilo is a pretty gnarly person who draws the line at doing lots of different things and obviously I need to run things by her to be sure said activities are kosher in Lilo-land.

We're starting things off on Saturday with business class flights on American, not just any business class, but flying on a 777 aircraft in their new flagship service, complete with world renowned wine on board, meals prepared by famous chefs, personal media screens, and an unlimited number of buttons to push! Lilo is even bringing a videocamera to document said button pushing and the fact that we will be able to lie flat in our glorious beds while flying. This is really the standard for traveling with me, there are things I just don't do and one of those things is fly coach. Now, I don't know HOW Lilo is going to make it sans cigarette whilst eating and drinking for 8 hours but I have a GOOD FEELING that our friend Xanax is going to help with that ;)

With only 2.5 days to see everything, once we touch down in Londontown we have to hit the ground running. Since we arrive at 6am and no hotel will let us check-in, it's a good thing we are flying business class and have use of the AA Flagship arrivals lounge. Where else can you shower and prepare the pretty and skinny for the number of photoshoots that will take place this day? Exactly. Then we are off to the Tower of London to see everything, Big Ben/Parliament, Westminster Abbey, and Camden in search of a photo op with her Royal Messness, Amy Winehouse. We heard she likes to hangout and sometimes DJ at The Monarch Bar and Hawley Arms, so if by chance she runs out of crack and feels like going for a beer, we might just have a chance at looking like serious beauty queens posing next to her Royal Messness.

Our nightlife situation in London could get crazy as I have a friend who works in the music and event planning industry, and she is looking into parties for us to attend where we could drink and party for free, of course. My friend Missy is LEGIT out in London, she's listed on website's as "The Queen of Partying" and she is always partying with The Black Eyed Peas, Kid Rock, Akon, Justin Timberlake, Timberland, etc. The last time I was in London, I ended up drinking Belvedere out the bottle while dancing on a VIP table in the Paper Club with some London rapper. Oh yeah, and I asked the Prince of Brunei if he would consider retiring me, because I too wish to lead a life of partying and leisure. Sure I spent the entire next day running from my bed to the bathroom to vom, but it was ALL WORTH IT. Needless to say my friend Missy has already commented on my Facebook that she is not sure if London is ready for the Ringleader again...and she hasn't even met Lilo yet! After we bang out our first day of sightseeing and partying the Ringleader has some business to attend to and is dragging Lilo around, the only reason why I even considered handling some business is so that Lilo and I could eat and drink for free. Currently we have an appointment to see the rooms at the Jumeirah Carlton Hotel on Monday night which includes unlimited free drinks and fine British cuisine in their 5 star restaurant. It's damn good considering the price of ONE martini is over $20USD and a Big Mac from McDonalds is coming in at $7USD.

Tuesday night we are off to the Dam! We're spending 3 GLORIOUS days perusing coffeeshops, the flower market, the red light district, and just chillin in Amsterdam. I got this ridiculous 67 Euro travel agent rate at the Renaissance and plan to take advantage of the abundance of ganja by sparking spliffs like the Dutch, drinking Heineken on tap, and eating at my favorite international restaurant, Wagamama. I swear this place must be as common as Applebees or Chili's because when I tell people how much I love it, I get strange looks like it might be the most common chain of food around. Well, we just don't have anything like Wagamama in LA and it's some gooood noodley deliciousness! Plus, I'm just happy to have something else to eat besides the famous Dutch French Fries dipped in MAYO, which I do love! What can I say? This girl will have the munchies and needs places to go to satisfy her cravings!

After destroying numerous braincells in Amsterdam, comes our arrival into the Fashion. Capital. Of. The. World. OMFG PARIS! Probably the place that concerns me most as I have never been before and Lilo most definitely expects me to know wtf I am doing because THIS IS SO MY JOB!! Again, I got us a RIDIC 67 Euro rate at the Marriott Paris in the Latin Quarter near Saint Michele, Notre Dame, and Bastille. Aside from our obvious Eiffeling, which is Lilo's word for "frolicking in, on, and around the Eiffel Tower" we plan to visit Jim Morrison's grave at Pere Lachaise, The Louvre, shopping on the Champs Elysees, and MOST IMPORTANTLY EATING FRENCH FOOD and DRINKING FRENCH WINE AND CHAMPAGNE! Of course I set up another "work" appointment with the Plaza Athenee in Paris and am looking forward to drinking as many of their $40 cocktails as possible FOR FREE!

Since we are planning on laying off the sauce and fancy restaurants (on our own dime) for most of the trip to save $$, we decided that in Paris we would have ONE glorious meal where we spare NO EXPENSE...

That is, until I realized just HOW EXPENSIVE fine dining is in Paris! It's UNBELIEVABLE! I was hoping to dine at one of the many restaurants operated by world renowned Chef Alain Ducasse UNTIL I read things like GLASSES of WINE for 38 Euro, Bottles of wine for 200 Euro and dinner for two = $600+!! My other problem has been with things on the menu, you see, I don't eat things like Calf Head, Foie Gras, and I don't know what pan seared meagre is, among other things... I also can't imagine that top notch 3 star Michelin restaurants in Paris would appreciate things like substitutions from stupid Americans. I guess we will just stick with drinking wine in wine bars and picking up grilled ham croque monsieurs from the brasseries and save our $$ to spend on things like Louboutin's and Louis Vuitton bags!

We will definitely be blogging while on our Eurotrip if one of us can figure out how to e-mail our posts to blogger, otherwise we will be e-mailing Stiletto's to post on our behalf. In addition to that, I'm sure we will be twittering the random things that happen so be sure to follow us there.

The Ringleader on Twitter

Lilo on Twitter

Tagged - D'OH

2008-10-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you. Thanks for linking us Momochacha!
2. Share Seven Random and/or Weird Facts about yourself
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog

I decided to choose 7 random "D'oh" moments. To this day, these moments STILL make me cringe and shudder when I think about them. I don't have any regrets in life but sometimes I wish I didn't do certain embarrassing things...

1. I went to Cabo in 1999 with a group of friends/co-workers. One of the "friends" was Mike, a guy I was secretly dating (everyone but my boyfriend knew) and another friend was my boyfriend's brother, recipe for disaster? Yes.

Mike and I were getting wasted and popping ecstasy and finding places throughout Mexico to f*ck without my boyfriend's brother seeing us. On day 3, everyone decided we wanted to rent/ride Sea-Doo's in the ocean in front of our hotel, we went in pairs/groups as the others drank/tripped out on the beach. Mike and I hopped on our Sea Doo and after about 10 minutes decided it would be a good idea to f*ck on a Sea Doo. The Sea Doo barely accomodated 2 people, I mean it's a JET SKI not a BOAT! We looked at the beach and thought that FOR SURE no one could see us. I jumped on top and straddled him and we sorta boned by rocking back and forth for a few minutes out in the open before deciding that we should ride our Sea Doo to Lovers Beach to finish off our little sexcapade. We parked our Sea Doo in the sand while we rolled around in it. Obviously, the snorkelers and people enjoying the day on the beach didn't bother us at all. Is it weird that I was bent over a rock? Eh, we were on E. When we finished and headed back to our hotel beach to return the Sea Doo, we didn't really understand why people were smiling and laughing at us (maybe they ALL were on E?!) and then we turned around and realized that EVERYTHING WE DID was in CLEAR VIEW OF ANYONE with decent eyesight on the beach...D'OH!

2. When I was a Junior in high school, my friend Tracy had one of the most glorious parties of my high school career. I had a fake ID and bought myself a 6 pack of Zima while chatting up some people about dome. At this time, I was still a virgin but I had given A LOT of blow jobs and was discussing blow jobs with Octavian/"Tavi", a recent graduate of my catholic college prep school. Tavi was a bit of a clown, we got along great and used to hook each other up with each others friends, but never hooked up ourselves. After about 4 Zima's and countless joints, Tavi asked me if I had ever given dome to a black man. I told him, no and DUH he would have heard about it (our school was small but gossip about me was HUGE).
He then said: "Oh, I see how it is. It's because of our black cum, isn't it?"

I was totally stoned out of my mind: "REALLY?? It's BLACK? Like the COLOR of it? How come I never heard this??"

Tavi went on to give me some explanation about how everyone was the same, no matter what and race didn't play a part in our anatomy books, that's why I never heard of it. He told me the black man had been held down enough and how do I know that white cum wasn't what was actually "gross"? Well, I never mentioned our conversation to ANYONE for YEARS. I felt like a racist even just inquiring about it, it seemed rude or something. Sure I was curious, but at the time I hadn't broke out with dome for a black man so I didn't know, for sure. About 3 years later I was having a discussion with one of my friends who was in a relationship with a black man, and I brought up what Tavi told me and she burst into laughter. She knew Tavi and told me that he used to tell girls that so that they would "just try it out" with him. I believed it for 3 years...D'oh!

3. I have a friend name Jake, we've been friends for 17 years, he was a bit dorky but the coolest guy ever. After two years away at college, Jake was visiting home for the summer and him and I met up for drinks, Jake was all of a sudden HOT! I decided that we NEEDED to hook up and it seemed like he was into it. We hung out the rest of the summer but nothing happened. So Jake went back to school in San Luis Obispo (3 hour drive to SLO) but he would drive back down to LA a few times a week to have dinner with me or even just to watch TV with me. We were going on weekly "friendship dates" and after every date, NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN. It was driving me (and all of my friends who I told) crazy! Finally, after one friendship date. I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I called him as he drove back to SLO and I said "Jake, we are REALLY GOOD FRIENDS, and have been friends for the longest time ever. But, there is kind of a situation I am having. You see, the more I hang out with you and the more time we spend together, the more I am realizing that I am starting to like you as more than a friend. And, I kinda don't know what to do about it but I figured that I needed to tell you and see what you thought...." Jake replied to me that he felt the EXACT SAME WAY and that he was REALLY glad that I brought it up because he thinks we should keep doing what we're doing and take things slow so as to not ruin our friendship. I got home and told EVERYONE about this! I was SO EXCITED and my friends were so excited! Jake and I went on a few more friendship dates and then out of the blue, out of nowhere I FOUND OUT THAT JAKE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. A girlfriend who MOVED from her east coast university to San Luis Obispo to go to the same school as him. I met her at his birthday party, she introduced herself as "Jake's girlfriend of 8 months" and how she was SO EXCITED to meet Jake's really good friend the Ringleader...That was the LAST TIME I have ever told a "friend" that I wanted to be "more than friends" - D'OH!

4. Senior year of high school. I had a huge group of guy friends that I hung out with who didn't go to my school. In this group there was this guy Robert that I had a crush on. One night after a big party we went back to our friend's house to continue the party. We decided we needed some privacy to hook up and our friend said we could use his bedroom. So we went in there and were hooking up, and Robert was unable to stay hard probably due to the drugs and drinking we had been doing. So we basically did everything else BUT have sex. At the time I was still a virgin but wasn't really waiting for anyone/anything in particular. When we were finished fooling around, somehow, Robert's plain white t-shirt was covered in blood and from what I hear so was our friend's sheets. I was MORTIFIED, I had gotten my period somehow at that moment when we were fooling around. I don't know what Robert told everyone, but the next day everyone was talking about how he had "popped my cherry" and now I was officially a whore, not just a BJ whore. To this day, people STILL talk about this incident. My friend Mrs. Tna (Laughlin WTA birthday trip in August) is married to the guy who's house this took place at and as recent as the last few years I have had to re-explain myself and let them know that Robert and I NEVER had sex and he certainly wasn't my first. I cringe and shudder everytimg I think about this, SO EMBARRASSING! D'OH!

5. New Years Eve 1995. Partying at the home of a Paramount Pictures executive who left his son in charge while he went out of town. I had hooked up with our high school football captain, Dave before and got into a conversation with his older brother who thought him and I should like be together. I had been drinking and his brother convinced us both that we should get together again, we would be a cute couple. I told my friend Guido that Dave and I needed to find a place to go and hook up that was NOT in the caves above the pool (where everyone else was). Guido sent me to this econoline luxury van on the street where he and the boys planned to sleep that night, he said he had already been in there and it's nice, so he tossed me the keys. Dave and I went in there, of course I broke out with dome and did not swallow (my MO cause I don't love them ho's) and I handed Dave a blanket to "clean up" with. The next day when we were at school, I told Guido what had happened in the van and about the blanket and he started DYING LAUGHING! He told me that he used that SAME blanket to clean up after this broad gave him dome and that the best part was that: my buddy Jay was sleeping with them in the van and was complaining about his bald head FREEZING! Of COURSE Guido tossed him THAT BLANKET which he wrapped around his head and slept through the night. I STILL feel bad about it, Jay is one of my best friends to this day! D'OH!

6. My actual "first time". I was out at a party with my then boyfriend and his friends, we had decided that tonight was THE NIGHT we were going to seal the deal. I decided I was going to be late on curfew and turn off my pager because I KNEW my family was going to blow my pager up starting at 1 minute past curfew. Our friend Brady let us use his house to handle the business, he went over to a friends house. So Jason and I were actually doing it and his pager starts going off and he ignores it the first 5 times. Then it's going off again and again and he stops to go check it, then tells me he doesn't know the number, so we go back to doing it. 3 more minutes into the sex and his pager is going off AGAIN and it's the same number followed by 911-911-911. He says "I'm really sorry but, I have to call the number, what if it's Brady and there is an emergency?" Well, he goes downstairs, calls the number back, comes back in the room and tells me "It was your Grandmother. She is wondering where you are and sounds really worried, you should probably go home." My Grandma had gone in my room and was going down the list of names in my phone book CALLING EVERYONE at 1am. By Monday morning I got to school and everyone was like WTF. My Granny had managed to burn out 3 of my friends and 2 frenemies by waking up their parents who had not realized their kids weren't home yet...D'OH!

7. Without a doubt #7 has to be my recent ticket for Urinating in Public. D'OH!

I tag the following to do this if they have time:

Stiletto & Lilo