Jenny Cr"AA"ig, Because Who Needs Another Meeting When Your Fat Ass Is Already Late For Happy Hour?

So Alanis may have thought a "No Smoking" sign on her cigarette break was ironic but lately I feel like I've been in a staring contest with a "No Smoking" sign in an airplane lavatory half way through an international flight in first class after drinking the plane out of twist top champagne... AND ALL I WANTED WAS A XANAX! Might have happened once....

Since returning from vacation a few weeks ago the binging hasn't stopped and in fact I had decided on Sunday night, after a 3 day 4th of July bender, that I was going to go ahead and NOT drink (at least every night and/or alone) this week. Especially considering that I realized Sunday night that I needed to register for the Fall semester on Tuesday and then followed up that fail with realizing that I also needed to apply for graduation next Spring by this Friday. So when I ended up at happy hour Monday night by myself I still felt like at least part of my goal was in tact, the not drinking alone part, because hey strangers are people too. After throwing down a peach martini(s) I met up with a friend of mine from high school who always seems to make me feel better about my life* and last night was no exception, by the time I dropped her off I felt like a winning winner who wins at all things life related and was pretty sure I would make it through the night.... Or not. After catching up on approx 28 tivo'd episodes of Cheaters I found myself at the 24 hour CVS with my hand in the beer cooler and only minutes to spare before last call. As if that wasn't bad enough by the time I made it to the checkout I had picked up a bag of gold fish, 2 rock stars, a pack of cigs and a bunch of crap from the Summer clearance rack. None of which I needed or even wanted for that matter. Matching plastic tumbler and bowl sets anyone?

The point of this rambling mess? Lilo needs a day planner, some Nicorette, AA and maybe Jenny Craig for good measure. I'm just saying it might be helpful in my quest to become less of a social ratard and more of a "lady" or at least a semi-functional member of society, girlfriend, employee, friend and/or student. I'd take any one of the above mentioned , no need to bogart all the life skills.

*We all have that friend, the one that no matter how shitty you think your life is can trample it with stories that include but are not limited to: having 3 kids under age 5, being married, divorced and then married again to a parolee, all while living in a 1 bedroom apartment at the ripe age of 25.

Sold Bitches

After work on Friday all I had to do was go to the market, go home and just enjoy my weekend...I was busy @ work so got off an hour later, but I wasn't going to let ANYTHING get in the way of my glorious weekend. I got to the grocery store and yeah I forgot my list.. grrrr... and yeah the lines were a bit long... but, like I said... I wasn't going to let ANYTHING put a damper on my 4th of July weekend!

As I was unloading the groceries @ my parents house I heard this horrible noise.... like a baby screeching... then I kept hearing it... I thought.. "What the fuck is that noise??" It was horrible and something I had never heard before, and it felt like it was directed just for me??

I figured out, it sounded like a dog... either giving birth or dying.. I've never heard either, so I really couldn't tell you exactly which one.....

I know the neighbor (the HOT neighbor who I would totally marry or even settle for a one night stand) has 3 dogs, so I glanced over at his house and there was this pathetic dog looking at me....... no barking, but talking?????? I felt like I was in the movie... "Dr. DooLittle"

It was at that point I realized it was the 4th dog... his girlfriend!!!! She speaks??? The same person who could lose a talking war with a dead person..... and can you guess what came barking out of her mouth..

"We sold the house!!" (We.....I mean unless her hot boyfriend has a mouse in his pocket... it was/is HIS house) So, I put my fake smile and nice voice on and said..... gulp, breathe, sigh.... "Congratulations!!"

That bitch!!!! At least she could have done was to put some Vaseline before she RUBBED it in? The nerve... She was so excited just to break the bad news to me.... I mean she NEVER talks to me... I'm convinced she has a stopwatch and every time she pulls in the driveway she is playing a game of how fast she can get inside the house without making contact with anyone....probably rewarding herself with a dog biscuit!

Friday was this bitches day to bask in the glory, and I'll be honest she won! But, I had my "trump card in my back pocket"... Hot neighbor told me that they were looking into buying a house in the small little town where I have my business, "TERRIFIC"... I do women's retail, but would TOTALLY make a house call for him!

So.... I said, "Oh, did you find a place in L.C.?" She replied no, "I put an offer on a house in Orange County"... So, now I'm confused...... This "ruff ruff" has not only changed the said location of the move.. but SHE has put an offer on a place that is almost 2 hours away by herself?? If he's so into her, why didn't HE put an offer with her?

You Are The Weakest Link...GOODBYE!

On my vacation to Jamaica I had an AMAZING time and will include some of the pics to PROVE IT!

When I wasn't playing beer pong,

running as fast as I could into the ocean (I think I twisted my ankle),

drinking,

doing cannon balls into the pool while fully clothed,

taking "questionable" pictures,

and going swimming @ 2 am - I was having FUN!!

After all, I paid for MY trip and I was going to be the one responsible for having or not having fun!

I ran into I was stalked by "TEXAS" who took my intoxication as a FREE PASS +1 point for Texas. Our FauxMance lasted only a day and a half and in that time, Texas spewed how beautiful I was, while I reciprocated how nice he was. I gave into the constant compliments and his determination but never thought...can a nerd be a player?? +1 point for Texas.

While his continuous invitations to go to the beach, the bar, and Margaritaville were inviting, I had to say "no." He did get a little butt hurt but thank GOD I read the book"Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man!" I stuck to my guns, I broke out with this line, and part of my dignity still clings to it "I'm going to be completely honest with you.. (if i ever start a line this way, duck, run, or jump) I might never talk to you again, and in a few months when ALL of my friends are reminiscing about all of the glorious stories of Jamaica, I don't want to hear about them! I want to be apart of them!" I'm not gonna lie, it felt great saying this to him... I had the ball... or BALLS in my court, right??

Apparently I have only seen previews to the movie "OUT OF SIGHT... (out of mind)" So, after I basically said he wasn't a priority, his eyes wandered...along with his mediocre face, bad clothes and horrific velcro sandals!!! Seriously, peep these sandals....WTF??????



So, since the trip consisted of 8 girls who are all assholes, you can bet I got shit from ALL of them for even talking to him! Oh and along with the cute guy next to me while I was playing beer pong who said to the Ringleader "Who's that douche your friend is with?" Besides 8 girls and a random dude, lets throw in the over weight security guard that also chimed in said "I'm not going to say anything, but are you REALLY with that guy??"

Needless to say, the fauxmance didn't last, and now I'm back home and thinking...
Why do I always lower my rate???? (per Miss Communication who advised us what lowering your rate means in the porn industry...)

Why do I keep these guys that I really don't even like, or care for around, and let them keep coming around??

When do I start deleting numbers off my phone???

Deleting "fauxs" from my facebook????

So, as I'm writing this blog I'm thinking about my next step, which is to go to facebook and DELETE...
and for those of you who are friends with me... look for my status....

ShamWOW is deleting ALL of the WEAKEST links.. GOODBYE!!!!

It's official, I'm a Used Ta

Once upon a time, I used ta be a friggin model skinny biatch who used ta gallivant around town wearing next to nothing and doing whatever the hell I pleased. I used ta have a sick a$$ body and I'd say that I had about a 12 year run of baring my midriff just about everyday. I for sure used ta think I was hot shit and apparently people used ta agree. Back in the day, it used ta be no problem to get any guy I wanted or just plain get whatever I wanted.

I mean how hard was it for me? When I walked it's like I was listening to Tupac's "I Get Around" in my head. Shoooot, I put my own spin on "Put a lil twist in her hips cause I'm watchin" cause at the time, they ALL used ta be watchin. The term 'shake it don't break it' meant absolutely nothing to me, in my eyes if you didn't break it you surely weren't gonna make it in my book! Well...that book was a book I USED TA write! These days things are so different! I mean, I would never even THINK about baring my midriff these days and lord knows I definitely don't have the same confidence I used ta have back then! Which brings me to my next question:

Is it better to have had your good years when it came to your looks and confidence earlier in life or later?

As much fun as it was, and believe me, I took FULL ADVANTAGE of what I was working with, I feel like all of the perks I used ta have and how easy things used ta be for me has totally jaded my point of view. I guess it's because I know what I am missing and NOT getting compared to what I was used ta. Does that even make sense? It's like flying first class. If you have never laid in a fully flat bed on an international flight, then you don't know what you're missing. You can just carryon flying coach and be uncomfortable but not really know the difference or know what you're missing. But once you cross over to the land of warm nuts, fresh baked cookies, extra room, and free flowing booze, how do you ever sit in coach and not long for the luxury of first class? The worst part about all of that is that no matter how hard I try to get into shape, I just can't get the body back that I used ta have and that totally depresses me.

Not that I would want to be 115 - 125 lbs again, I mean I was skinny and had had amazing abs, but to be honest, I prefer to have some curves. I would prefer NOT to have to wear maternity tops to cover my friggin muffin top popover! WTF happened to my metabolism? It was ROCKIN until I was 23, once I turned 23 my metabolism took a permanent leave of absence! While I have lost a considerable amount of weight in the past 5 months and everyone keeps saying how great I look, I just keep comparing myself to how I used ta be. I used ta LOVE bikini shopping! I mean any bikini I put on used ta look great on me, and now I want to do anything BUT go shopping for a bikini which is kind of a problem considering I leave for Jamaica in EIGHT days and really need to pick up a few more bikini's.

Needless to say, I am going to keep working towards my goal of losing another 20 pounds. I don't know if I will get there, but I just need to work at it while working on accepting the fact that I am officially a used ta...for now.

And just because I love to torture myself, here are some pics of when I used ta be able to wear whatever the hell I wanted to.

Back when I used to make out with soap opera actors and when I used to have no popover belly:

Always rockin the bare midriff

Skinny Biatch (and I don't want to hear it about my awesome Doc Martin's)

Move Bitch, Get Out the Way

There are just some things that really just plain PISS ME OFF. I could be in the best mood ever, and when these certain things happen? I stop, stare, and say to myself "Really... Really... Are you fucking kidding me???"

In no particular order:

1. Cold fries from McDonald's. If I wanted cold fries, I would have eaten the fries left over in my fridge from the day before! Or, if I actually polished those off, I would have opened the freezer and took a bite out of a frozen one! Make them fresh or use a damn HEAT LAMP!

2. When I get my legs waxed and they leave wax/hair on my leg. Listen ladies, if I wanted a sloppy job, I so could have done that myself! I mean, if that is what you do for a living, be good at it!

3. In the bathroom and the toilet seat is UP. It's just annoying and disgusting all at the same time. Now, not only do I have to get toilet paper to put the seat down, but I get to see the base of the seat which is filled with all sorts of urine drops and the occasional PUBE... put the seat BACK down, and AIM good!

And last but not least #4:
When you see a quality guy/potential husband walking with a DOG! Those little 4 legged things that bark are okay... But, I'm talking about the girl he is with!

I don't want to name anyone specific, but since this is the BAD GIRLS guide to Glory... I'm talking about the BITCH who is dating the hot successful guy next door! He is very good looking, has a great personality, is successful, and definitely marriage material! She is boring, boring, and oh yeah.. Booooooooring! I've meet her probably 6 or 7 times, and I just can't even remember her name for the life of me, because she is nothing to even remember! Then I'm reminded when I'm bitching about the BITCH, that her and I have the same name! That is how boring she is, I can't even remember her name and we have the same name!

So, she's ugly.... and boring. And on a realistic scale, I would probably put her at a 5 (and two of those DON'T make a 10)
I would put him about a solid 8.5 to 9
So where is she making this 3.5 to 4 point difference?

I can only think of one thing... BEDROOM??

Since when do hot guys allow ugly bitches to sleep with them...AND keep them around afterwards?

Does this Dog know some tricks that I don't??

Is the owner just trying to help keep our Earth a green place... he obviously knows he needs to keep the lights off with this "ruff-ruff" in bed.

It's not going to be easy to get rid of this dog... throwing a bone, probably won't work.

I'm open to suggestions ladies....

(And knocking on his door has already been done.... Jogging in the morning has been tried)

The Mean Girls' Next Door??

ShamWow and myself (the two single Mean Girls) have really been working to expand our social and dating horizons lately. We already have a pretty full and active social calendar and are constantly going out and meeting new people, but we just haven't had any luck meeting any new boys with any real potential. We have a bagillion friends who have a million friends and I swear it seems like we have met EVERYONE connected to everyone, yet all of the guys we already know/have met are in the "friend zone" with no possibility of romance pretty much ever.

So lately, rather than laying out drinking margarita's with our usual clique in the black hole (aka ShamWow's house), we've been taking other friends up on their offers to go out with the hopes of meeting new boys. Last night, two of our girls, Miss Communication and Capt Pants who are over at Whoremotions invited us out to a birthday party at Lola's. It was open bar and it was all dudes, how could we go wrong?? Everyone was really nice and it was definitely fun to meet some new people! There were a ton of guys, and although we just got to know some of these people, there could definitely be some potential in this group, at the very least we made some good contacts and connections!

Oh yeah, and because we went last night...we scored invites to party tomorrow night at none other than, THE PLAYBOY MANSION. Now, I've lived in LA my whole life and have NEVER gotten to go to the Playboy Mansion, so basically I am stoked beyond belief! Well, stoked about everything EXCEPT WTF AM I GOING TO WEAR?? And don't say nothing or you will get virtually punched in the face. It's a jammie jam/lingerie party and I'll be honest, I might have lost about 30 pounds but I am in NO SHAPE to be parading around in a bra and panties! Nor do I have anything that is jammie related that I'm willing to wear out in public so that I can be compared to anorexic playmate's and bunnies. I can see it now, someone photographs the event and the next thing you know my picture is posted on The Dirty with some sort of Shamu caption and a note how Playboy is working hard to save the whales.

I. WOULD. DIE

So what the hell am I going to wear? I'm pretty sure this means I'm going to have to go shopping...

De La WhoreYA

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be turning the dirty 30 this year, and it'll be oh so dirty! My past has been that and then some but thank GOD it was not me on the "dirty" side!

After high school, a friend of a friend asked me if I wanted to pass out flyers for a night club and get paid $50.00 for an hour or two of work. After checking my calendar of babysitting, shopping, and drinking 40's, I was available so I said yes...and that is where my "Body Shop Chronicles" began...

I'm about 5'4 and at the time, a size 2/4. It was around 2000, Britney just had her first hit "Hit me baby one more time" and people would always tell me I looked just like her. Let's just say I was no dog paddling for the step... if you catch my drift.

As I went to help my friend pass out flyers, I was befriended by the "Grim Reaper" or "Walking corpse" and also known as "Aboud." Aboud was responsible for all of the hired talent for the famous Strip Club on Sunset Blvd. Unfortunately for him, I actually graduated high school, was currently in college, and had a pretty high self esteem, so his "YOU DANCE FOR ME" just really wasn't a tempting offer for a girl like me. So, after an hour or so of "wood chopping" at the tree that was me, his next question/demand was, "YOU WAITRESS."

And so I did, I "waitressed" and I made BANK! I paraded around wearing all black, charged pervs for waters and sodas and made great money! It really was the jackpot of part-time jobs and I literally thanked the sweet baby Jesus for this hook up, you know because Jesus and strip clubs go hand-in-hand, right?

So, I already mentioned it was the hottest strip club in all of Los Angeles and located in a prime spot on the Sunset Strip. I would regularly serve TONS of CELEBS, and trust me I will get to those stories later on, but for now, I have only ONE fight and the gloves are ON!!!!

This boxer, Oscar de la WHOREYA (who is married and had just won a fight) comes in with his entourage. I hook him and his 6 or 7 peeps up with drinks, and when I say drinks...I mean "special" drinks." I smile, flirt, act like I care...and wait...and wait some more... AND WAIT... and then look at my watch... and stand! At this point, minutes had passed and nothing... NO TIP?? So, I walk away and sit and muster as to what the FUCK just happened???? I looked cute, gave them "stiff" drinks and waited, and nothing! He went and did his thing in the back "area" (aka the champagne room) and left! In my head, I was thinking "PEACE OUT, LOSER!"

So, a week goes by and guess who and his pussy posse comes in? Yup Oscar and the same guys. So, I'm a fighter and I think that last week must have been a fluke. So I smile, flirt, and give some "special" drinks again and get the same response... NADA.. ZIP.. ZILCH.. ZERO.... NO TIP! Last time I checked, I didn't work for free! He does his same routine as always, but this time he takes the dancer to a "special" place (aka owners office) and leaves like a happy camper after a s'mores roast. She walked away like her face had gotten a little too close to the fire, she was all red, and full of glee - classic star fucker face! I might not have noticed but, I was so BUTT hurt after NO tip! I saw EVERYTHING! And he was married... so a cheap pervert???? Does it get any worse?????

Not even a week later, and guess who strolls in again? Oscar de laDOUCHE. Yeah, I'm not a quitter, but I'm not stupid either. It's at this point that I realize he's not tipping me because I'm a "white" girl, so I insisted that the hispanic girl who worked with me try waiting on him, because he would for sure take care of her, right? And I was wrong, he gave her nothing and treated her the same way he did me.

Nude ladies, a "special" drink, and special VIP "room/office" wasn't enough for him, HE'S CHEAP!!!

I'm not sure whether or not he actually got the whores # after his 3rd visit, or if he found someone else, but he did not return again. In 2002, I got free tickets to see Oscar fight Vargas in VEGAS! It was a great reason to go and cheer on someone else, plus it's VEGAS! I sat down next to a FAT, DISGUSTING, mole of a man, who of course was cheering for the Cheap Perv, GREAT! And yes, the WHOReYA won afterall and I was pissed! To this day, I still haven't gotten over it. I don't know why but cheap just stays with me!

I guess it's one thing to deal with a man that is a pervert or scum bag... but when he's CHEAP on top of all of that??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO???????

So I decided to tell you all what a douche this guy is as well as post these really cute pics of him.

The Princess Doesn't Fall Far From The Queen

All winter long she wore her tan crochet Ugg boots, tan ultra suede purse with fringe and leggings of course! Now that the weather has warmed up, for us in sunny Los Angeles, she's in her Michael Kors jellies and when she's not wearing those she is in her Guiseppe Zanotti inspired t-strap flats with the satin flower in between the toes and her new orange purse with a glitter peace sign! Her style is pretty much the same. If it's not pink, it has sequins. Although she has some great pieces of clothing, she sometimes gets a little too excited and shoots for "Samantha" from Sex in the City, but her mix and matching looks more like Punky Brewster. ( I never have the heart to tell her)

Ladies, we can all say that we are spoiled to some extent...... but sometimes its just way overboard!

While I'm doing loads of laundry, she's soaking in a bubble bath probably thinking how the damn world revolves around her!! When we go out, she tends to get a lot of attention, she's a huge flirt and a great ice-breaker when cute boys are around. So... I deal with her.

Then there are times I have to draw the line. I draw this imaginary line that on one side sits my pride, dignity, and the thought that maybe "part" of the world revolves around me; the other side of the line is HER. She can be bossy, rude, and just plain inconsiderate. She sometimes makes me feel like I'm her personal bitch, not to mention chauffeur, WTF??? When she acts this way, I want to say "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!!!!" It's at this point I realize, I CAN'T! I can't because that would require me to pull over on the side of the road, un-buckle her, carry her out and leave her on the side of the road... and can someone REALLY do that to their 3 1/2 year old kid?? (If so please privately email me the way) I actually haven't researched this, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal!

So, with Richard... or shall we say "DICK" out of the picture, I've got the full responsibility of: taking care of a kid, running my own business, and trying to have a little fun in my life in the meantime. At this point, I guess you could say I'm a "juggler," but with NO BALLS... literally! As hard as it is sometimes to deal with everything, it's just that much more rewarding at other times. I mean... I can't knock my own kid... all winter long I wore my metallic Ugg boots with leggings, and now that it's hot.. I'm wearing my Stuart Weitzman jellies! So, I guess the princess doesn't fall too far from the QUEEN!

Brown is the new blond

I suck at blogging lately. In fact, all of us suck at it right now. Lilo is slammed at her new job and with homework/school, and aside from that her boyfriend of almost two months is monopolizing all of her free time giving her no time to blog or update. However, she is still alive just too "busy" to hang out with anyone but her boyfriend. ShamWow has been busy busting her ass trying to sell as much stuff as possible at Showcase all month so she has plenty of cash for our Jamaica trip.

I don't know if it is a sign of the economy picking back up, but people seem to be spending more than they have in the past few months and because of that I am literally going insane at work! Seriously, work has never been crazier! I recently was assigned to a new $3 million account and am now handling entertainment and production travel which is a FAR CRY from boring corporate travel. Now I'm dealing with movie studios, actors/talent, directors, their weird quirks and freaky preferences and millions of changes ALL DAY LONG. Seriously, these people change their minds as often as they blink their eyes. I don't even have time to browse the internet or update my Facebook status during the day. I guess in the end it's good because I'm making money and am not worried about losing my job at this time. The only thing getting me through each and every day is knowing that in 43 days my ass will be planted in the sand with one hand holding a spliff, and the other holding a cocktail that may or may not have a festive umbrella in it.

As for my bikini ready bod, let's just say not so much. I have obviously hit a really gnarly plateau in my weight loss and am STUCK at a loss of 27 pounds since mid-January. The past 3 weeks I have lost NO WEIGHT AT ALL! I'm so goddamn frustrated it's not even funny. The worst part of all is that I've seriously stepped up my workouts and have pretty much cut alcohol out of my life except MAYBE once or twice a week (as opposed to drinking everyday like I was). I'm 20 pounds away from reaching my goal weight and I REALLY thought that I would be able to pull that off before Jamaica :( I'm realizing as each day creeps closer to my trip that my goal is going to be pretty much impossible to achieve. It's taking everything I have to not drown myself in a bottle of wine and use a quesadilla as my floatation device.

I've been needing a change for a while and had been toying around with coloring my hair and going dark again, but then worry I'll hate it because it's summertime and want to be blonder. I've been rocking the light brown hair and blond highlights for a while now and I'm just getting tired of it. I made an appointment w/my colorist last Saturday and after my fail weigh in, I decided I was definitely going dark. I don't know what it was but I was super emo after not losing any weight AGAIN and I just figured dark hair and emo would be a good combo. My colorist didn't want to do it, tried talking me out of it, but I did it anyways and I'll admit I'm actually pretty happy with my new darker locks. If I had a decent pic of my new hair I would post it but I haven't really done anything lately and taken any pics.

In other news, I FINALLY had sex again - HALLELUJAH! After almost a 2 month hiatus, I swallowed my pride and actually agreed to meet Jason for drinks followed by sex at my place. I pretty much set it up as a straight up booty call, I mean I need to get some action somehow and he's repeat business so I'm not adding anymore notches to my bed, so what is the harm? I've determined that he is totally wasting my time when trying to make date plans, he's definitely NOT boyfriend material (HELLO he doesn't travel or take vacation and that will NOT work for me) and aside from that he is really flaky and "busy" and I just don't have time for that shit. So we'll see how the straight up booty call situation works with him, no plans just a phone call and a 10 minute drive for him to get to my place. Something tells me he will end up failing at this too.